Uplifting Notes

This morning, I couldn't stop crying. There were so many things on my mind-- how hard this last year has been, how hard it will be to fully heal from the things I've experienced, how confusing it is that we had to lose a baby which has caused a lot of this increased struggle and now have to wait so long to have another, how scary it is wondering if this new treatment plan will work, how hard it is to accept that sometimes our lives just don't go the way we thought they would, etc.-- and it all came out in non-stop tears. I dropped Brooklyn off at school and then drove to the store to make copies of the notes that will go inside the socks for the hospital. I sat in the parking lot for a good 10 minutes trying to pull myself together but with no luck. I finally decided to just get out and go, hoping my eyes weren't too red and my cheeks not too tear-stained.

I went inside and asked for 50 copies of each page on bright colored paper and then waited. While I was standing on the other side of the counter, I saw the woman making the copies reading each of the little notes. After she got done, she turned around and asked what this was for. I told her and watched as her whole body visibly melted and softened. And then she asked if she could make an extra copy, because she knows someone who without a doubt needs these words right now.

I started to cry. I couldn't get out the words, but what I wanted to tell her was that these are all words people have said to me in times when I have needed them most, and I'm simply passing on the love and kindness that others have shown to me. She was touched by hearing who would be receiving these uplifting messages and gave me a discount on the copies.

I walked out of the store with a smile on my face. Without knowing it, this woman lifted a huge burden and reminded me, once again, that there is some good that can come from darkness and pain. She warmed my heart today!

I wanted to share these notes with anyone else who needs them today. You are loved!

The Hospital

This last Saturday, after five days of a depression so severe that I could hardly eat or drink anything, my body and mind were weak. The suicidal thoughts had raged constantly for days, and I had very little strength in fighting to overcome them. I texted one of my biggest supports over the last year who suggested that I go to the hospital to be admitted. I have considered this many times in the last two months as things have been so incredibly difficult but have never gone out of fear.

Three years ago, almost to the day, I was admitted to the hospital in Iowa, and it was a horrifying experience to say the least. I felt much more like a prisoner than a patient and vowed that I would never put myself through that kind of torture again. And yet, here I was, considering the thing that scared me most and knowing my life depended on it.

With hardly enough strength to talk, I called an angel of a friend and asked her if she could take me to the hospital so Kyle could be home with our kids. She dropped everything to come to my aid and stayed with me in the ER holding my hand, comforting me, and telling the nurses the things that were too hard for me to say.

After a few hours and a bag of IV fluids, the admission process was complete, and I was taken to the psych ward. I didn't know what to expect or feel until a kind, loving nurse greeted me. She treated me like a normal person with a big, hard problem, and I knew in that moment that I would be okay.

To make a long story short, I was able to meet with a psychiatrist who specializes in hormones, and she provided me with long-sought and earnestly prayed-for answers. We immediately stopped my previous medications and started a new treatment plan. Now I am waiting to see if this is the solution that can finally bring lasting relief.

Right now, I am cautiously optimistic and hopeful. I have been through a lot of dashed hopes in the last 3 years, so it's hard to feel completely sure about this one yet, but I'm holding onto faith in better days to come. I am also overwhelmed (in a good way) with all the love and support my family has been shown in this difficult time. We are beyond blessed and humbled to see the goodness of people all around us. I'm thankful to be home with my family now. We need each other. This painful road is not over yet, but I know that I'm not alone and will continue to be carried through my darkest days.

Kyle Avery shared this poem with me during one of his visits at the hospital. I could never do hard things without his love, support, encouragement, and strength.

Joy

I read this quote this morning and it really touched my heart. I wanted to share in case it could touch or uplift another heart.

"Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place." ~Rumi

Kyle's Christlike Example

When I think of someone who gives Christlike service, many wonderful people in my life come to mind. But the greatest example of Christlike service I will ever know is my husband. He has supported and loved me as we have weathered the storms of life together. Last week, I had a really really rough evening and cried far into the night as Kyle held me and I told him what was weighing so heavily on my heart and mind. The next morning, I woke up to find little love notes hanging all around our house. I don't know many people who would be so loving, kind, and patient through the hell we've been through in the last year, but Kyle has always been there. He may not understand what I feel, but he is willing to listen and comfort me and will repeat to me as many times as I need to hear it that he loves me and needs me just as I am. He gives me the strength to stay.

Home

One year ago, we packed up our little apartment, left all of our Iowa friends and the comfort of a place we had called home behind, and traveled across the country to make a new home. I cried much of the three days and nights we drove as the anxiety of making new friends and adjusting to a new place felt overwhelming. I prayed a lot in those three days (actually it was just a continuation of many prayers I had prayed in the last month since finding out we were moving) that there would be people prepared to help our family face the darkness of depression that was just beginning to surround me again after delivering Garrett. I felt fear and loneliness as I wondered once again if anyone could love someone in a situation like mine. I worried that no one would understand me or care about me or be available to wrap me in their arms when my heart felt like it was breaking.

But I moved forward in faith knowing that this had felt right when the opportunity first presented itself and that Heavenly Father was aware and would take care of me and my family.

Little did I know at that time what wonderful people Heavenly Father had prepared for us-- people who would listen to countless hours of me explaining what my mind and heart felt, people who would ask questions because they really wanted to understand, people who would drop anything to sit with me while my world was dark, people who would repeat to me as many times as I needed to hear it that this struggle does not make me any less loved, people who would wrap me in their arms and cry with me when there were no words to say, people who would help me get the medical help I desperately needed, and people who would save me in the hardest year I have ever experienced. It brings me to tears when I think of the selfless service and kindness that has been shown to our family in the last year.

And now this place is home.

Enjoy the Good

Every time I am manic (which is usually once a month for a day or two, maybe even a few if we are lucky🤞) Kyle says, "We know the next 24 hours will be good. What do we want to do with them?" I love having him by my side to spontaneously make the most of the good days and to help me get through the ugly days. We'll have to see what wonderful adventures tonight holds for us. I'm sensing a random trip to the thrift store to celebrate 😂
#EnjoyTheGood #SoHappyTogether #ThriftStoresRock #ManiaRocksMore

My Birthday

The days and weeks leading up to my birthday, I cried a lot. I didn't want that day to come. It felt like this painful reminder that it's been another year and I'm still not better, that I am still so young and overwhelmingly have so much life ahead of me yet to live, and that this used to be one of the most exciting days of the year but I am different now.

Despite all of the worrying and sadness leading up to it, yesterday was quite possibly the best day of the last year. I literally felt showered in love. I felt the warmth of so much friendship surrounding me and lifting me up. I felt like I could have a new start for my life, like I could build on the brokenness of the last while and make sense of some things again.

The best part of it all though was that I had my appointment with the hormone doctor after getting lab results back, and it was incredibly hopeful. It's going to take some time and tweaking to figure out how much supplementing I need, but he is confident that he knows what the problem is and that there are very good days ahead.

Also, I was too busy soaking in the day yesterday, so this is the only picture I got. 😂 Thanks to everyone who made me feel special and loved. I can't really describe how much it meant to me.

What Makes Life Worth Living

This last month has been the hardest month of depression I've ever experienced. The days are long as I fight every day to find the hope and strength to continue living. Often as I am laying flat on my back in bed trying to survive until Kyle can get home, the thought slowly creeps into my mind, "Is it worth it? Is it worth it to go through so much heartache and bitter pain only for fleeting, intermittent moments of light? Is it worth it to put in the effort it takes to heal from where my heart and mind have been? Is it worth it to keep trying, knowing that things aren't better yet so this isn't the last time I'll be in this dark, painful place?" When these questions arise, I make it my mission to find what makes life worth living. It's taken a lot of effort to find it this last month, but the glimmers of hope have been there as I've tried to focus on looking for them.

--My family will forever be my main reason to hold on. Loving them and being loved by them makes my life worth living, even when it is difficult. They bear my burdens with me and make them lighter, like this last weekend when Kyle got our whole house cleaned. My family has always given me a reason to feel loved and needed, and they are willing to do anything to help me stay.
--Garrett is 16 months old and has struggled with learning to talk. We have been working with a speech therapist for the last 3 months, and this week, he said, "uh oh" for the first time. Since then, he has been trying to make more sounds too. Hearing his sweet, sweet voice made me feel that it was worth it to be there for that one beautiful moment.
--A few weekends ago, we took a hike as a family. I was really really struggling that day, so I decided to focus my time on looking for little beautiful things around me. It helped me remember that there is beauty all around me and that the darkness of depression can't take away my ability to find it.
--One morning, I was crying while making my kids breakfast. I couldn't comprehend how I was going to get through that day. I looked out our window and there was the most beautiful sunrise right in front of me. I suddenly felt this peaceful feeling that Heavenly Father was aware of me and wanted me to know that I wasn't alone.

I don't understand why things happen the way they do sometimes or why my heart has been allowed to be broken in this way, but I do know that it will always be worth it to hold on. I am determined to do whatever it takes to win this fight. And thankfully I never have to do it alone.

Halloween

I'm not going to lie. Life has been extremely overwhelming lately. The littlest things feel almost impossible to accomplish every day, and many days have been a harsh fight for life.

As things continued to get worse and as Halloween came closer and closer, I finally accepted the fact that I couldn't make cute Halloween costumes and I couldn't coordinate our family to have some fun theme this year. In some ways, this was and still is incredibly frustrating to me, because it's something I've always loved and enjoyed doing with my family. But when I went to the thrift store to buy whatever random costumes were left, I reassured myself that this is really a win, a huge mental health win. I'm taking care of myself and my family all at the same time in the best way that I know how given my current circumstances. I'm succeeding by recognizing my limits and adjusting accordingly.

I really hope to be more motivated and able to enjoy things like this again next year, but if not, I will remind myself then just like I remind myself now that ultimately my family needs me, and if that means letting go of some things to relieve stress and anxiety and exhaustion, then that is what I will do.

Not to mention, how cute are my little witch and Dumbo?! 😍

How to Help Someone Stay

14 times.

14 times something in my brain has snapped, and I have suddenly and painfully thought that I could not go on.  Each one of these times has added to the pain and trauma built up in my heart now, and yet, each one has been filled with life-saving miracles.  Unfortunately, 9 of these 14 times have been in the last 10 months.  One of the most common questions people ask me when they find out that this has been my struggle is "what can I do to help?" either in reference to me or their loved one going through similar challenges.  So I thought I could share this very vulnerable post about the most helpful things people have done for me or said to me that have given me the strength to stay.

1. Check on their immediate safety.  First and foremost, when I have reached out for help (I almost always do this by text), people have responded quickly by checking on my immediate safety.  They've done this by asking questions like: "Are you alone right now?"  "Are you thinking of doing something?"  "Can I call and talk to you?"  These important questions can allow the person I have entrusted with my deepest darkness to evaluate what is going on and decide if they need to intervene.

2. Make sure they are not alone.  If I am alone in these weak moments, people have stepped in to make sure that I am no longer alone, either by coming to my house to sit with me or by picking me up to be with them.  This is SO important, as being alone only causes the thoughts and feelings to get worse until they seem unbearable.  I literally cannot get through these moments on my own.

3. Express love.  It's difficult to emphasize enough how important this is.  Do you know how the three simple words "I love you" translate to my broken brain?  They speak to me and say, "I need you and want you to stay.  If you were gone, I would hurt, so please hold on."  These words give me strength and add to my ability to endure just a little longer.

4. Promise them that it will get better.  In my darkest moments, I am entirely blinded by the depression.  It feels like I am forever stuck in that broken place, like my world will never see light again and my heart will never heal.  Reminding me that there is hope, that how I feel in the present moment is not how I will feel forever, gives me something to hold onto again.  I can't comprehend at that time that things can possibly get better, but I can trust in someone else's hope for me.  

5. Give warm hugs.  That kind of physical contact brings immediate comfort to my aching heart.  The comfort doesn't last, but while I am wrapped up in someone else's arms, I feel safe.  The overpowering sorrow and fear subside for a small moment.

6. Help meet their physical needs.  It seems so obvious when I feel well that eating, drinking, sleeping, etc. are necessary for mental stability, but when everything in my world is falling, these important needs are difficult to meet.  My husband makes me food.  He reminds me to drink water.  He helps me do the things that are necessary for a good night's sleep, including helping me have access to sleep aids when needed.  These things are all so directly tied to mental health.  It's hard to have the strength to fight when my physical needs are being neglected, because I am too overwhelmed and tired to do these things on my own.

7. Repeat, "I won't stop loving you.  You are not burdening me."  This last while in particular, I have been paralyzed by the fear that I am going to lose everyone who has ever loved me by asking for help or telling them about this struggle.  It is terrifying when this happens, because I desperately need love, but I am often so afraid of losing the love of those closest to me by sharing my burdens with them.  I know it doesn't make sense, but I don't think I can ever hear enough in those hardest times that I am not going to lose everyone around me by asking for help.

8. Be available to listen and talk.  When I am surrounded by darkness, there are a million thoughts swirling around in my mind, and they continue swirling until I can tell someone about them.  Sometimes just hearing myself say what is on my mind allows me to recognize that it is not rational.  Other times, it is in the response the person makes that I can find clarity and peace.

9. Remind them that they only need to take things day by day or minute by minute.  This is hard to explain, because it simply doesn't make sense, but when I am severely depressed, I cannot stay in the present moment no matter how hard I try.  Everything, and I mean everything, big or small that I have to do in the near or far future fills my mind all at once, and it is understandably overwhelming.  Having someone remind me to let go of all of those things pressing on my mind relieves some of that stress until I feel better and can handle life again.

10. Have them promise you that they will stay and will continue reaching out.  Promises are powerful, even in my broken world.  Saying out loud, "I promise I won't do anything" brings incredible strength.  It's honestly very hard to say those words in the most difficult moments, because it doesn't really feel like a promise I can keep, but once I say it, I know I have to hold on.  I know I can't break my promise.  One of the best promises I have ever made is the promise to reach out to 3 people when I feel like my world has crashed.  That promise has saved me, especially in this last very difficult year.

11. Help them get the help they need, including going to the hospital if necessary.

12. Share your confidence in their ability to stay.  Some of the most helpful things people have shared with me in my darkest moments have been their expressions of confidence in my ability to endure this heartbreaking pain without giving up.  One time, someone said to me, "You have been to the lowest point multiple times before and you got back up every one of those times.  You can do that this time as well."  Another time, I was promising someone that I would reach out before doing anything.  They simply replied, "You won't do anything.  You've got this."  That confidence gives me strength.  It helps me recognize that I am stronger than this depression, and I can win.

13. Remind them that you would be sad if they were gone.  I know that might be uncomfortable to say, but for me, it helps me think outside of myself for just a moment and to remember those I love the most and how hurt they would be if I were gone.

14. Help them recognize that healing is ALWAYS possible.  Honestly, sometimes it feels like I have gone too far or I've struggled too much and can't come back from this.  One of the most comforting things someone has ever said to me was, "You haven't gone too far.  You can't go too far if you're still here."  I think of that often now, especially when the lies in my mind tell me that I am too broken to heal.