Infertility Awareness

 #VulnerableMoment  #Ugh

Apparently this week is #NationalInfertilityAwarenessWeek, and honestly my heart has hurt so much recently given our baby situation. I know I have two beautiful kids, and I can be happy if our family has to end here, but my heart aches for one more baby to complete our family. This happens each time I get to a good place medication-wise. I want to go off right away and have a baby. Except now, I am really struggling with the thought of going off and facing darkness again. It seems like too much to bear, which leaves me feeling a sense of selfishness that I don't know if I'm willing to go there for the sake of having another baby. We have a tentative plan for if/when I'm ready, but who knows if it will work in successfully getting pregnant or if my body will be able to keep that baby alive.  All of it hurts so much and sometimes feels like if I were a better mom then maybe it would have worked out the last two times.  I know that's not really true, but sometimes that's how I feel.

Anyway, a friend wrote a beautiful blog post that resonated with me. Here is some of what she said that I've really been feeling:

"What is secondary infertility?

It’s remembering how much you loved feeling the movements inside the womb and never getting to feel that again.

It’s imagining the bond that your current children will create as they meet and get to know their baby brother or sister and never being able to experience it.

It’s hearing your kids talk about how they want to have more siblings that they can play with, and wishing you could have given that to them a long time ago.

It’s keeping all of your baby clothes for years for your future children only to have to get rid of them without ever using them again.

It’s loving your little family with all of your heart, and also feeling like it will never feel complete.

It’s feeling lots of emotions when friends have babies while you can’t, and then feeling guilty that you feel all those things because you love them, are genuinely happy for them, and would never want them to not be able to have more.

It’s dealing with the normal emotions of having had your last child, without getting to cherish any “lasts” because you never thought you wouldn’t be able to have more.

It’s being absolutely certain that there is another child waiting to join your family, and then being just as certain that it’s okay to be done, and not knowing how to reconcile that."

Side note: I can completely truthfully promise that I am so overjoyed at the success of my friends and family in having more kids. Really, I am. It only stings sometimes, because I am human and my heart wishes for that success in my own family too.  It's so hard to explain that emotion without sounding like I'm just not happy for someone else, so please try to understand what I'm saying and know that I truly am happy for you!! I hope my day is coming, but if not, I will always be thankful for my two sweet kids who made me a mom.

The Savior

The most hopeful little corner of my house.  I put all my trust in the promise that Christ can and will and is currently doing this for me.  These words bring me comfort and peace.

Healing

Happy is a good place to be.  

For the last 7 months, I have faithfully gone to counseling every week.  Thanks to my amazing friend Casey for watching my kids during every single appointment, to my other incredible friend Kristina for helping me find the right counselor and for talking after every counseling appointment, to Kyle for supporting me in this and also talking through each session, and to everyone who has supported me in photography and my Etsy shop for making it financially possible.

Last week, I felt like I could take a break from counseling for a while.  So many of my broken pieces have been coming together again, and I'm finding peace.  Not much has changed as far as certain circumstances in my life, but the way I can face them and move forward has drastically improved.  It's not all magically better.  In fact, it takes a lot of hard work, but it's work that I am now strong enough to bear.

The next step is taking time each day to ponder and write in these awesome workbooks/journals I found on Amazon.  I know they will be valuable resources in my continued healing.

I still don't know what the future holds for our family.  I don't know how long my peace will last, if we'll ever get our last baby, or what other challenges will come to our family.  But I'm okay with not knowing and simply hoping for the best.  That's how I know I'm healing.

Christmas Socks 2021

You guys!  I have watched the price of socks every single day online and every chance I've been at the store for the last couple of months.  So many of you have watched with me and have sent me messages with different prices and locations too.  Last night, the price finally dropped to where I wanted it, and this morning, I was able to get 150 pairs of socks with the extra money that was donated last Christmas for my "Christmas Socks for Hope" project.  I can't thank all of you enough for supporting this and supporting me.  This project brings me a feeling of purpose for what I have experienced.  The support I've received in doing it brings a feeling that #MentalHealthMatters, and that does so much for my healing heart.  Thanks times a million for helping me spread light and love!  

Also, I had to laugh at the number of eye rolls and snarky remarks about being hoarders or selfish that came when people saw my cart full of socks.  Pretty sure they thought I was a #DoomsdayPrepper and for some reason thought all these socks would save me from the end of the world 😂😂😂

And finally, check out all the variety of styles I was able to get.  It makes my fuzzy-sock-loving heart happy 😍

***Apparently I can't count. My receipt shows that we got 186 🙈😂

She Kept Going

 Sometimes I feel like my life is some dramatic, weird story 🙈😂 when I would really be fine with it being a normal, boring story. But let's face it. Where's the fun in being "normal"?! Or at least that's what I tell myself... 😉

This last October, after losing another baby and pretty desperately needing stability in my life again, I went back on the "miracle" medicine that had brought so much peace into my life before. I was more than ready to get back to a good place and to work on gaining strength before wanting to try for a baby again this spring. But this time, the medicine didn't work the same.

I became incredibly anxious, to the point that my muscles would tense up and make my arm and leg randomly go numb, which only served to increase my anxiety to an unbearable level as I wondered what was happening to me. I tried to tell myself that this was normal and was just my body's reaction to starting the medicine again, but it kept happening. I also tried to tell myself that the anxiety was caused by counseling as we dug into really hard, painful things. But after more than two months, nothing had improved, and the constant worry paired with the feeling that I couldn't breathe or function normally made me finally reach out to my doctor. I was terrified of what he would think or if he would still believe me. Thankfully, he is not like that, and I was really just crazy anxious about that too.

At my appointment, he mentioned how something must have changed in this process. We remembered how when I switched from the one month supply of the birth control to the three month supply, just before going off to try to have a baby, the brand had changed. Everything else was exactly the same, but the brand was different. When we realized this, I immediately felt something so comforting inside of me that maybe there was a reason for this unexpected reaction and that things could improve without having to start all over with trying to figure out what to do next.

A few days later, I took my normal one week break that I take every three months and then switched to the new medicine. Unfortunately, all of these hormonal changes threw me into the deep trenches of what I call "suicidal hell." I suddenly didn't think I could make it. I didn't want to be here anymore. And even worse, I didn't want to tell anyone. I thought I had to be gone this time. I was so discouraged and frustrated and sad. I couldn't foresee things getting better and felt no hope for my future. It was like the darkness was caving in and swallowing me whole, and I was all alone in fighting it.

One day, a good friend let me into her home and somehow asked the right question that broke through my silent darkness and allowed me to share my very honest feelings. I was so scared that no one could love me anymore like this, but she reassured me of her love and encouraged me to open up to more people. I told a couple more people in my close circle and felt the comfort of loving family and friends in my life again.

I continued to struggle deeply for days, reaching out for help when I needed it and spending time with people constantly, until the darkness began to part and let the light in again. The light has been increasing slowly each day, so I think the old brand is working, and that really was the problem. 🤞

We also found out during this time that the surgery I had hoped would give me a better chance of having a healthy, living baby is not a possibility for me. I'm not ready to try again any time soon, but I'm holding out hope that our family will still be able to grow one more time.

So there you have it. Everything you didn't need to know, but you do now 😆 You're welcome.

I hope someday the summary of my life story can be condensed into three words, "She kept going."

Broken

 This last while has sure thrown me down. Unmanageable levels of anxiety and bouts of depression mixed in have left me scared, confused, and concerned. My medicine hasn't been working the same this time as it did the first time around, and that has been disheartening, to say the least. At the same time, I've been amazed, once again, at how the darkness makes even the tiniest glimmers of light shine brighter. Really I write these things down for my own benefit to help me recognize and remember, but I share in case they could benefit someone else.

I see the light in my incredible husband who reassures me when I need it that he won't leave me for some better, happier life and who is always there to comfort, uplift, and walk with me through the dark.

I see it in my kids who give me every reason to get out of bed and to keep finding my purpose and who make me smile in the process.

I see it in my good counselor who has helped me take lots of little steps of progress in the last several months and who is slowly helping my heart heal.

I see it in my kind doctor who I know cares about me personally, who won't ever give up on me, and who takes the time to remind me that better days will come again.

I see it in my friends who help with my kids so that I can go to counseling, who listen to countless hours of me explaining what my heart is feeling, and who also don't give up on me, even though they don't have to be there.

I see it in my church family who let me share my whole heart with them this last Sunday and who have since embraced me with such warmth and love. 

My heart physically aches right now for the hurt that it is bearing, but knowing that I don't have to bear it alone is the greatest blessing I could be given. 

One Year Later

One year ago, I was released from the psych unit of the hospital after spending a few days there, and simply stated, I was terrified. I didn't know how to go from the rock bottom of not eating or drinking for 5 days to making a life for myself again. I didn't know if this new medication I had been given, the 14th one I had tried in 6 years, would finally be "the one" that could help me. I didn't know if healing was a possibility for me anymore. My friend drove me to my house and gave me a big, warm, loving hug while advising me to take the day one minute at a time. I got out of her car and slowly walked up to my front door while feeling the heavy weight of the world pressing down on my weary shoulders. I opened the door to the silence of an empty house, and while dropping my bags on the floor and slipping off my shoes, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It was this "Welcome Home Mom" sign my family had made for me. No sooner had it caught my attention when I fell to the ground sobbing as the strength in my knees gave way to the emotion that overcame me in that tender moment. The love of my family instantly wrapped me in comfort, and I knew that somehow I was going to be okay.

One year later, the 14th medication didn't end up working out, but the 15th one did. I started seeing a counselor a few months ago and am continually working hard to do my part in the healing process. And now today, with the help of lots of eager youth and such generous, supportive friends, we finished a gift of 100 pairs of fuzzy socks with encouraging messages to donate to the psych unit of the hospital, the place I left one year ago feeling so completely and helplessly broken.

The truth is, I'm still healing and still learning how to pull myself out of surviving and into thriving. But I'm here, I'm trying, I'm progressing. My little family is supporting me through every step of this long process, and I feel blessed to able to give of myself, because I know what it feels like to wear those uncomfortable hospital socks with doubts of living a good life again. It's just one year later, but my future really does look bright.

Beautiful Winter

 Winter has always been a difficult time of year for me.  Less sunlight, less getting outside, and less opportunities for natural exercise with my family has led to worse depression.  For the last several years, taking pictures of the beauty of winter has been like a lifeline for me, helping me find the good that is in the details that surround me.  This year might be the best winter I've had in years, but I still can't help but find joy in the unique beauty that only winter can offer.

What I'm Thankful for about Depression

I have this secret note on my phone listing all the things I am thankful for about experiencing depression. It's secret because often I don't want to think about being thankful for something that has hurt me so much, and I certainly don't want other people to tell me to just be thankful in my darkest moments, but since this is the month of thanks, I want to finally share it. Please know that if you struggle with depression too, I am not telling you to be thankful for it. This is just my perspective.

1. Depression has brought my little family closer together, especially my husband and me. This is not my trial; it is ours, and we fight through it together. 

2. Depression has made me hypersensitive to the sadness of others. I think about how others feel more often and am aware of what depression might look like in someone else. I am no longer afraid to ask someone if they are doing okay, even a stranger. I'm also not uncomfortable talking about "hard" topics.

3. Depression has given me opportunities to help others that I know I wouldn't have had otherwise. It has allowed me to speak up, reach out, and connect with people literally all around the world over this common struggle so many people face.

4. It has taken away *almost* all of my fear of being vulnerable. It has given me the burning desire to be 100% real and to share my story in an effort to help others know they are not alone.

5. It has made me appreciate the light in my life in a way that I know I wouldn't have had I not faced such frequent, debilitating darkness.

6. Depression has taught me valuable lessons about asking for and accepting help, learning to say no when needed to protect my mental health, simplifying my life, and being patient with myself as I do these things.

7. I have learned how to love more completely. I'm not perfect at this **obviously**, but depression has opened my eyes and my heart to understanding others and trying to see how they feel from their perspective. This has literally changed me and how I feel about the people around me.

8. It has made me appreciate and not find shame in embracing the God-given gifts of medicine and counseling to overcome and heal.

9. Depression has allowed me to see the goodness of others so clearly.  I have been the recipient of such kind encouragement and love over these years of struggle and have seen firsthand the powerful effects of simple ministering.

10. It has given me opportunities to talk to my kids about depression openly and age-appropriately. We talk about "happy medicine", the hospital, people being sad because something is chemically wrong in their brain, and compassion. My hope is that my kids can be a force for good in the world because of this knowledge.

Depression has been the hardest, longest struggle I have ever faced, but it has also blessed my life in incredible ways. I still can't say that I am thankful to have experienced it as a whole, but I am thankful for the little things it has done to change me and my life for the better.

#givethanks

Another Little Miracle

On October 26th, we got the shocking news that I was actually pregnant, despite the many negative pregnancy tests I had received the week before and no real signs pointing to pregnancy. On October 30th, we found out that the pregnancy was not looking good and that we would most likely lose our baby. On October 31st, everything proceeded as expected, and we lost another sweet baby. 

The roller coaster of emotions we've experienced in the last few months is hard to put into words, but we're surrounded by really good people and will be okay. Mostly, I just want to share this baby, because it was there and was loved even if it was only for a few days that we knew. We are heartbroken but have hope for a beautiful, healthy rainbow baby in the far distant future.