My Brain Lied

Yesterday, I had about 2 hours where I felt completely normal.  I actually felt happy and was filled with motivation.  My first reaction was to take a deep breath and to feel the air fill my lungs without pain or heaviness.  It felt so good!  My second reaction was to text my husband and to tell him that I felt happy.  He was so happy for me, and we celebrated together by text.

Feeling normal for a little while felt like breaking through the heavy cloud of darkness and escaping into the light.  I could suddenly see things clearly.  I could look at myself and my life the way that other people see it from the outside, almost like looking at myself in third person.  I felt as though I could handle all of the darkness again, like it must not have been as pervasive and overwhelming as I thought it was, like I was somehow stronger and more capable, and it wouldn't have the power to influence me with its strong grasp.

And then the evil monster in my brain turned on me.  All of this bipolar stuff was made up, it said.  It didn't happen.  You lied.  You exaggerated.  You did it all for attention.  You're fake.  Your blog is all a lie.  It doesn't help anyone.  It's dumb.  You're dumb.

Suddenly, I felt like I should delete this blog.  It's true, I thought.  It doesn't help anyone.  I lied.  I am dumb.  I can't believe that I would do such a thing.

I also felt like I needed to call all the people who have helped me these last several weeks and apologize for lying to them.  It wasn't real.  Why did I make it all up?  How will I explain?

But before I did anything else, I got down on my knees and prayed.  I repeated to God everything my brain was telling me.  At this point, I still thought it was all true:

"I'm dumb.  I'm fake.  None of this is real.  I made it all up.  I thought I could make a difference in this world, but I was wrong.  I don't like myself.  Why am I like this?"

I continued, "Please help me feel something bipolar again so that I will know I didn't make it all up.  Please help me to feel it again.  I need to know that I didn't lie."

After asking to feel some emotion, I started sobbing.  God helped me recognize that I had switched into depression and just didn't know it, and that the weakness in my brain was telling me awful lies.  God opened my eyes and allowed me to see that none of the things my broken brain was telling me were true.  I'm not dumb or fake.  This is incredibly real.  I can make a difference.

I feel so broken today, so confused, so sad, and so upset, but at least I can see that whatever my brain tries to tell me isn't true.  And someday, I'm hoping I'll know better than to fall for the awful lies.