My Brain Lied

Yesterday, I had about 2 hours where I felt completely normal.  I actually felt happy and was filled with motivation.  My first reaction was to take a deep breath and to feel the air fill my lungs without pain or heaviness.  It felt so good!  My second reaction was to text my husband and to tell him that I felt happy.  He was so happy for me, and we celebrated together by text.

Feeling normal for a little while felt like breaking through the heavy cloud of darkness and escaping into the light.  I could suddenly see things clearly.  I could look at myself and my life the way that other people see it from the outside, almost like looking at myself in third person.  I felt as though I could handle all of the darkness again, like it must not have been as pervasive and overwhelming as I thought it was, like I was somehow stronger and more capable, and it wouldn't have the power to influence me with its strong grasp.

And then the evil monster in my brain turned on me.  All of this bipolar stuff was made up, it said.  It didn't happen.  You lied.  You exaggerated.  You did it all for attention.  You're fake.  Your blog is all a lie.  It doesn't help anyone.  It's dumb.  You're dumb.

Suddenly, I felt like I should delete this blog.  It's true, I thought.  It doesn't help anyone.  I lied.  I am dumb.  I can't believe that I would do such a thing.

I also felt like I needed to call all the people who have helped me these last several weeks and apologize for lying to them.  It wasn't real.  Why did I make it all up?  How will I explain?

But before I did anything else, I got down on my knees and prayed.  I repeated to God everything my brain was telling me.  At this point, I still thought it was all true:

"I'm dumb.  I'm fake.  None of this is real.  I made it all up.  I thought I could make a difference in this world, but I was wrong.  I don't like myself.  Why am I like this?"

I continued, "Please help me feel something bipolar again so that I will know I didn't make it all up.  Please help me to feel it again.  I need to know that I didn't lie."

After asking to feel some emotion, I started sobbing.  God helped me recognize that I had switched into depression and just didn't know it, and that the weakness in my brain was telling me awful lies.  God opened my eyes and allowed me to see that none of the things my broken brain was telling me were true.  I'm not dumb or fake.  This is incredibly real.  I can make a difference.

I feel so broken today, so confused, so sad, and so upset, but at least I can see that whatever my brain tries to tell me isn't true.  And someday, I'm hoping I'll know better than to fall for the awful lies.


  1. Satan is soooo clever! I have been trying to read through a book titled "Like Dragons They Did Fight" by Maurice W. Harker, CMHC and Lucas J. Reynolds. It deals more with fighting addiction, but I think some of his thoughts and concepts can apply to mental illness as well. He talks about how Satan has had thousands of years to study the human psyche and has become quite an expert on psychology and how to use it for his purposes. Its not doctrine, but it makes a lot of sense to me. Satan knows us quite well, too. Just like God does. The difference is Satan uses his knowledge against us while God uses His to help us. Satan knows how to get inside our heads and mess with our thoughts and feelings so well, we don't realize he is doing it until its almost too late. Thankfully, the Atonement of our Savior is so much more powerful than He is. And, thankfully, we know that because we have bodies, we are more powerful than Satan is. Therefore, there is no need to fear or despair. All we need to do is exactly what you did- turn to God and ask for His light and power to take hold in our lives. Satan has tried this exact same lie on my so many times- and I get a little upset with how easily I fall for it! Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice... right!?!? But I am learning to recognize the lies as well and the best goal I have found is that instead of being upset that I have fallen for them again, try to be a little quicker with calling upon God each time I detect them.

    The book is quite interesting if you want to read through it. You can get a free digital copy by going to http://www.lifechangingservices.org/2012/07/book-is-finally-done-like-dragons-did/ . Again, its geared more for addiction, but you might glean something from it.

    Keep fighting, dear sister! Keep choosing to side with Christ and you will keep on winning! <3

  2. I would have to agree with Rachel (and you). EVERY time I feel so good giving a profound comment in church, or a lesson, or have an awesome/happy experience this happens to me. It is Satan and he is trying to make you feel foolish. Of course some of it could be your brain, but he will monopolize off of how you feel or what you are going through. He makes me feel so ashamed of myself all the time whenever I say something true and he will probably do it after I write this. But don't listen to the shaming. God wants everything for you to be happy. He wants everything for you to remember you are a princess. He wants everything for you to remember that you have an amazing road ahead. He wants everything for you to remember you are loved. Whenever the Devil does this to me there is one thing that can stop it. (And you did exactly the right thing by praying). It is bringing the spirit of God or rather allowing it to enter in. The best means for me is through music. As soon as I start to feel shaming happen, I put on my music that draws me back to my purpose and back to my Jesus. He loves you so much Shantelle. You keep doing those good and right things and he will help you through it. And he may even bring that glimmer and strength back to you. All things are possible to them that believe. 😉 💗 (One last thing, Satan is going to pretend he is not there and this is all you. Remember who YOU are and you will not be defeated. Yes, your body may be lacking chemistry that blocks the light coming through, but it is these kinds of proactive thoughts that are not your own. You are right about the lies. Now what is the source of them? You are made from God material, girl! The power of regeneration and healing is real. -though it may take time and a little effort. Way to be!!!)

  3. I just want to add one more thing. I understand that feeling of going through a good moment and fearing that it wouldn't last. That happened after I got my heart fixed. I thought it was going to act wacky again so for a few days I was very anxious thinking it would happen again even after having it taken care of. But after a few days I had to decide to trust the procedure and God that my heart would work well again for a long time. (I still have one of my heart problems, but once I gave up the anxiety or doubt about it, life became amazing again and I functioned well after a week or so.) You will probably have to put trust in your medication that it will work for you and that you do not have to fear more episodes. Even if they return you have a firm knowledge that Heavenly Father will help you through it because he has EVERY time before. And that is something to rejoice in. Move forward with faith and happiness that it will work and you will see that you will do well. 😃 I mean it. 😉