Numb

Right now, I feel numb to all emotion, like my heart is all dried up, and there's nothing left to feel.  I can't cry.  I can't explain.  The emotion is building every second, but I have no way to release it.  So I'm left feeling frustrated and almost angry.  Every emotion this bipolar offers to me feels like the worst thing possible while I'm experiencing it.  I always wish the current emotion could pass, because I'm convinced the others must be better.  That is until the others come, and then I remember that they are awful too.

Right now, I feel like I'd give anything to be able to cry, just to be able to feel something, even if it's sad.  But I know that soon I'll be crying and won't be able to stop for hours or days.  And then a few days after that, I'll be battling the intense emotions that come with mania.

I need to learn to be content, even when my current situation feels like some sort of unfair punishment or what I imagine hell feeling like.  I need to learn to be completely submissive and not let my own desires and expectations get in the way of what God has laid out for me.  I need to learn to have faith, the kind of faith to know that things will get better, even though my broken brain tries to convince me that I'm stuck like this forever.  I need to learn to not think this is so unfair to me.  Everyone has their own struggles, so why do I think I'm special and should be able to avoid these difficulties?

It's my choice whether I will spend the rest of this numb time being miserable by wishing it were different or joyful by trusting in God and letting these things run their natural course.  This is my moment to choose, so I'll try to consciously choose joy.