12 Cycles

I am on cycle 12.

12 cycles in 11 weeks.

To say that I am exhausted is an understatement.

In this time, I experienced 12 phases of mania/panic, 12 phases of depression, my back went out of place, I spent 2 1/2 days in a mental hospital, our van got 2 flat tires, I have been told some very hurtful things, and now I have been accused of disobeying the law (when I didn't) with a threat to suspend my license.

Luckily, everything was cleared with the law, but I am now suffering the consequences of the stress it caused me.

I am so tired!

I feel like I've experienced more in these last 11 weeks than the whole last year.

And yet, so much good has come out of these 11 testing weeks.

I've met SO MANY people who struggle with mental illness and have been given the beautiful gift of friendship and understanding.  I've started a project that brings me great JOY amidst my own suffering.  I've gotten to see how unconditional my husband's love is.  I've grown to appreciate and understand the atonement in ways that I NEVER could have without all the difficulty.  I've had desperate prayers answered, miracles performed, and blessings given that have been apparent only because of the darkness.  I've been able to help others through my experiences.  I've learned eternal lessons that have allowed me to progress and become.

Would I trade these 11 weeks?  I can't answer that I would want to live them again, but I do know that the good has FAR outweighed the bad.  And for that, I am very thankful!

Looking to the future, I don't know how long this will last.  I don't know how long it will take to get the right medications and the right ratios/dosages.  I don't know what other "surprises" will pop up along the way.

But I do know this-- God will sustain me through whatever I face.  He has not abandoned me.  He is the reason that I have not crumbled yet.

And I know that I will not give up on this fight.  No matter what my brain tries to tell me, I CAN do this!  The light will come again.  It always does.