Having my mom pass away when I was only 20 and newly married was not on my plan, and I still don't understand why it happened. It has brought much heartache to me and my family, and some unexpected trials even harder than losing my mom. I've spent many nights crying myself to sleep, while Jayson holds me tight just listening to me. The first month or two were the hardest. I just wanted to stop, crawl in a hole, and cry. Sometimes, I would just go to the bathroom or closet, hug my knees to my chest, and sob until Jayson would make me let him come in.
Every day I miss Mom. People try to comfort me by saying she will always be with me spiritually, but it only dulls the pain of never being able to see her hug my sweet babies, hear her sweet voice, or be engulfed in her huge hugs.
This trial has brought many emotions. Obviously sadness and pain, but also love, anger and jealousy. I never have really felt angry at God, even though He didn't heal Mom like I wanted. I've felt anger and jealousy towards anyone lucky enough to still have a Mom on Earth. It often doesn't feel fair that my amazing Mom who I was so close to got ripped away when others who aren't close to their Mom get to keep them. I also felt some anger towards others who said they could relate because they also lost a parent. These were usually people who lost their parents at an old age. Unfortunately, I even would get angry with Jayson for not being able to comprehend how much I hurt and wishing it had been his parents since he wasn't as close to them.
Though I still wish everyday Mom could come back and none of this ever to have happened, I have been able to start to see blessings come from my trial. The night Mom passed away, I received a beautiful and very personal priesthood blessing before we started driving. In the blessing, I was promised to be able to feel my Savior's love stronger than I ever had and that I would gain a stronger testimony of the plan of salvation. I knew then that Mom wouldn't make it, but I pushed that thought far out of my mind. I still had faith that God could and would heal her. That was not God's plan, and one day, I'll fully understand why. For now, I know that, because we are sealed as a family, I get to see Mom again and still have that mother-daughter bond we have always had. Our relationship is eternal. I just have to continue to live righteously, so I can make it back to the Celestial Kingdom. My relationship with my Savior has also grown tremendously, as well as my testimony of His Atonement. My Savior loves me without end, and I have felt his love stronger than I ever have before. I have felt Christ's arms of love encircled about me letting me know He is always there. Even though it frustrates me that no one else knows exactly how I feel, I have come to know that they don't have to understand, because Christ does. That's all who needs to understand what I'm going through.
Jayson and I have become so close and really had to rely on each other, not my parents, our whole marriage, since I hadn't even been married for 7 months when Mom died. When I have a problem I turn to Jayson, Christ, and Heavenly Father, not my Mom. I still wish I could call her for advice, but I've seen how much stronger my marriage is because of it. I have also been able to feel Jayson's love and compassion for me. He has been my rock and helped me feel love and joy during my pain. He didn't sign up for all the baggage that came with this trial, but he is always right there helping me work through it.
I have also been blessed to grow so close with my sister. She has also been my rock. She has had to step up and take on responsibilities she didn't have to but did. Many of these responsibilities have been thrown at her because she is the oldest. I am so grateful that I have her to look to for advice about being a wife and mother. I know I can always go to her and ask her anything, cry, or just tell her how bad something sucks, and she'll get it.
I am also seeing how this trial is shaping me into the woman God needs me to be. My testimony is growing so much. I have also been able to be grateful that I was given such a loving amazing mother even if it was only for 20 years. I would rather have that than a mother who didn't care or love me with all her heart.
I have also been blessed with many family members and friends that have helped me through my trials. So many people have shown their love for my mom and me. It is amazing to see how many people care about me and my mom. It makes me want to live a better life so my love will touch as many people as possible, and I will leave behind a great legacy.
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