I hesitate writing this for a few reasons: 1) I don't want anyone to worry reading it. 2) I don't want it to sound like things are worse than they are. 3) I don't want this to negatively affect anyone.
But I write because: 1) This topic needs to be addressed. 2) I have found some ways to cope, and I think they need to be shared. 3) Someone out there needs to know that they are not alone.
There is a very disturbing and unpleasant part of everything I am facing, and it is the forced, recurring thoughts of wanting to die. It doesn't happen every day, it is not my choice, and it comes without warning.
The more I face this difficult part of my illness, the more I learn how to deal with it. That is what I want to share.
How do I deal with thoughts of wanting to die?
1. I have made a promise to some very close people in my life that I will NEVER act on these feelings. Making this promise allows me to think of them when these thoughts come and to hold on through the very thick darkness, because I will NEVER go back on this promise.
2. I turn my mind to the past and remember how this has happened before and the light came again, even when I felt like it wouldn't. I focus on hope and repeat over and over to myself that things will get better, and the darkness won't last forever.
3. I pray. I usually don't know what to say, and it usually seems like a cluttered, disorganized prayer, but I assume God can make sense of the lack of organization in my words, and I pray anyway.
4. I remind myself that this is not me. I am not the one thinking this. I have an illness that puts terrible thoughts into my mind, and my only job is to hold on through the pain and try my best to push these thoughts aside until the darkness passes.
5. I reach out. This is so hard sometimes, but I call someone, text someone, or invite someone over. I don't always tell them the extent of the darkness plaguing my mind, but this is one of the best ways I have found to distract myself and to lift some of the burden.
6. I chose someone (my husband) who I have decided I will tell the full extent of how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. It was extremely hard to tell him the first several times that I was in a really bad place, but it has gotten easier over time. I trust him and know he is here to help me. It helps me so much having one person to go to who I can tell exactly what is going on.
7. I hold on. That's all you can do sometimes. Sometimes nothing works to take away the thoughts, so I simply hold on and wait for it to pass. I do all of the things listed above over and over and over again for days knowing that the light is coming soon.
PLEASE do not give up on yourself or on your life. It WILL get better! Never give up on the hope that this too shall pass. You are loved, needed, and wanted! Forever.