Choosing Joy in the Beginning Winter Depression

As the weather gets colder, I find myself sinking farther and farther into depression every day.  I already know it's going to be a long winter!  Every day, I wish that I could spend all my time in bed, hibernating until spring comes again.  After I get up, I can hardly make it an hour or two before I crawl back into bed and either cry or stare blankly at the ceiling wondering why this weight is so real.  Eventually, I find the courage and strength to get up for the second, third, fourth, etc. times, but it takes everything out of me, and I immediately want to lay down again.

At the same time, every day I feel like I am ruining my child's life.  I take care of her most basic needs, but that's all I can do.  My days of trying to do fun or creative things are gone (for now).  I often wonder what kind of memories she will have of her childhood and wish that I could erase any memories of me struggling.  And yet, the older she gets, the more I know that she will soon begin to remember some of this, even when she's grown.  That hurts me more than I can describe, and I really struggle adding the "but if not..." to my prayers when asking God to take this away.  I just want it gone.

But as I pray and the painful tears stream down my face, I remember JOY.  There must be joy in this.  Where is the joy?  And then my mind is opened.  There's joy in my daughter getting older and inviting me to do the tea parties, puzzles, or movies and snuggles with her.  There's joy in people inviting us to do fun holiday things, so I don't feel quite so guilty about being a less-than-super mom.  There's joy in using my hands to create things that bring other people joy.  There's joy in using my strength to serve whenever and wherever I feel I can right now.  There's joy in finishing a workout at the gym and recognizing that I have the power in me to beat this.  There's joy in the little tiny tender mercies that I would normally miss noticing but now they seem so obvious to me.  There's joy in hearing my husband say that he's sorry that this is so hard, that he loves me, that he's thankful for my effort, and that the ways I've changed in the last year are overall for the better.  There's joy in having people ask me how I'm really doing and knowing that they care to hear my truthful answer.  There's joy in seeing how blessed I am and how my testimony is still growing stronger.  And the list could go on forever probably.

I hurt so much right now, but something inside of me tells me that there will be an abundance of joy to be found, even in the bitterness of the long winter months.  Finding joy is my choice, so I will choose JOY!