Last year for my birthday, we went to a middle school musical to celebrate. I remember sitting in my seat feeling manic and wondering what was overcoming my body for the third time in 2 weeks. It was all so new and confusing and painful. I wanted to just sit back and enjoy the play, but my mind was racing, my heart was squeezed tight, and my legs were shaking. I didn't have a name for what was going on, so I sat there trying to hold it all together. I do remember enjoying the musical, especially when the boy I taught piano was in the scene, but I also remember feeling somewhat disconnected. I didn't feel like I was totally there. I wasn't enjoying it as much as I usually would have. The day after my birthday, I felt so sad. Why wasn't I able to fully enjoy my special day? Why did it feel like I was pretending to be happy, not really feeling happy?
This year for my birthday, we're going to another musical, this time at the high school. It's called "Next to Normal." It's about a mom with bipolar disorder and how she is trying to cope and manage her mental illness. Sound familiar? :) At first, I didn't want to go see it. I mean, why would I need to see a musical about this when it's the story of my life? Then, I worried about what would be portrayed and how I would feel watching it. And now, I'm a mix of a lot of emotions, but mostly excitement. I want to support this effort to speak out about mental illness, and I am so curious to see how bipolar will be portrayed on stage.
Although hitting the one year mark since this started has been way harder than I thought it would be (actually I didn't think it would bother me at all so the fact that it has been hard surprises me), things are looking up now. Sometimes I just have to take the waves of grief as they come. It might sound weird to say grief, since I haven't actually lost anyone, but in many ways, I feel like I lost a big piece of myself to this last year, and I'm still grieving the loss of feeling like me. It's hard not being able to control how I feel, and it's hard that I can't make myself feel good for my birthday or Christmas, but I'm doing better with accepting that things are still good and I'm still very blessed, even though I struggle sometimes.
Just like this picture my husband made for our conference frames says, I will always be able to control how I react to the difficulties that come in my life. And I am determined to be like Brooklyn, get up and keep chasing those ducks, even after I fall down :)
No comments:
Post a Comment