How Does Depression Fit into the Gospel of Jesus Christ?

I've asked this question so many times.  I've never doubted that there is a place for depression in the church, because I know there's a place for everyone and every struggle in Christ's church, but sometimes I wonder where I fit or how living the gospel is possible with severe depression.  As I've pondered this question for several weeks, I've gained some new insights that I want to share as a way of offering hope and peace to someone else who may wonder where they fit.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, there is a lot that is asked of me, and I desperately want to do it, because I have seen in the past how these things have blessed my life.  But in moments of severe depression, it is very difficult to keep up with anything, let alone the many, many things that are expected of me in the church.  I've continually tried to keep up or do all the right things, and lately, I've had to modify or let some things go, because I simply cannot do it all.  So here is what I've found that can work for me:

1. Scripture study-- For the last several years, scripture study has been one of the most difficult things I've had to do.  This frustrates me so much, because I used to really enjoy studying and learning.  I felt like it was a very uplifting experience every day, and I miss that.  But I can still have a good, non-destructive experience studying if I change how I do it.  Honestly, it doesn't make sense, but I can't open the scriptures.  I know it sounds ridiculous, but for some reason, that is super overwhelming to me.  It's like I can't stay in the present, because doing it today makes me remember that I have to do it tomorrow and the next day and the next day, and I simply cannot do it today without feeling very overwhelmed about all the days to follow that I have to do it again and again and again.  I can't read from the pages without spending the rest of the day either crying or feeling very negative things about myself.  But what I can do is listen to conference talks.  So you know what I do?  I listen to a conference talk every day.  Is it wrong?  No, not at all, because it's what I can handle to still obey and do what I need to do.  I think I can handle this because it has a very clear beginning and end, so I don't have to worry about the next chapter after the one I'm already studying.  Some days I even find talks that are specifically applicable to depression, because I finally realized that the point of studying the scriptures is to help me come closer to the Savior and to bring the Spirit into my life.  If that means studying the same talk about depression every single day for the rest of my life, then that's okay if that's what I need to feel closer to Heavenly Father and to endure the challenges that I have been given in this life.
2. Temple attendance-- This is another thing that has become nearly impossible when I am severely depressed.  Not only is it overwhelming to find a babysitter and to organize how we can actually go, but then the time spent in the temple is very difficult for me, and I usually struggle greatly for days after.  Once again, it doesn't make sense, but it is very real and debilitating.  One thing I have accepted is that it's okay to not always be able to go as long as I am trying to go as often as I can with the circumstances and stage of life I am in.  Another thing I've accepted is that I cannot do an endowment session in my current state.  It's not worth it to go when the days after are honestly hellish.  But I've found that I can do sealings or initiatories without these terrible after effects, so that's what I do now.  I simply try my best and allow myself to feel that Heavenly Father understands me perfectly and recognizes how hard I am trying, even though things look much different now than they used to.
3. Church attendance-- I love going to church, but it is also a struggle almost every week.  I struggle listening to the talks, because I get very overwhelmed thinking about all the things I should be doing and am not doing perfectly.  It's like my brain can't choose just one thing to work on, and pretty soon it is flooded with thoughts of how I'm not good enough or not worthy.  I know it would seem easy to say that I just have to stop thinking like that, but my brain is sick, so that's not always possible.  I can see a very real difference in my thinking when I feel better, so I know it is the brain sickness that causes this difficulty.  Often times, my emotions are very near the surface on Sundays.  This frequently causes me to panic, because I can't hold in the emotion anymore, but I desperately want to hide it from everyone.  I've learned first and foremost that it is okay to cry!  It's okay to not hold it altogether.  It's okay to "lose it" in front of everyone.  It's okay to let others comfort me and hold me close in those times when my heart is breaking.  It's okay to let others see my hurt and to let them know that I am a very real person with a very real struggle.  All of this is okay, and it has blessed my life tremendously to let go of the desire to hide from everyone when my heart is in pain.
4. Service-- As you can imagine, struggling to even get out of the house has made serving others a nearly impossible task.  I used to do so much-- babysit, take meals, visit people, give rides, etc.  It was the thing that brought me so much joy.  But just because most of my days are filled with struggle now does not mean that I can't serve.  I just have to serve in different ways than I used to.  One thing I have found that I can do is text people.  I can send a short message letting someone know that I am thinking about them or love them.  I can ask how people are doing or try to remember special things going on in their lives to check back on.  I can compliment people and offer words of encouragement and love.  The best part is, I don't have to leave the comfort of my own home to do this.  I can serve from my bed or from the couch on the days when I spend most of my time in those two places.  I also try to take advantage of the days when I am feeling better to do the other things that I cannot do on my depression days.  It boosts my spirits when people allow me to serve them, because it makes me feel more a part of my ward family.
5. Callings-- I'm sure I sound like a whiny broken record by now, but callings have presented a real struggle in my life the last few years.  A few things I have learned is that I can talk with my bishop to let him know about my circumstances so that I am not asked to do more than I am capable of.  I have also learned that it's okay to simplify my calling to the very basics.  It's okay to have to say "no" when there are things I simply cannot do and it's okay to need to ask for help to be able to do my calling without having it affect my mental health too greatly.

I'm thankful for where I am at now in the things I have learned and the ways I have found that I can still be a part of Christ's church while struggling, even struggling greatly at times.  I'm not perfect (obviously!) but I try, and I know that Heavenly Father sees that and accepts my broken offerings.  I know that the things I do in the church have grown in meaning and purpose through the difficulty in doing them, and I'm thankful for those who have stood by me to comfort and help me realize my place in God's plan.  

Medication Update

Several people have asked me for a medication update. I'm usually super hesitant to answer one way or the other, because it takes some time to tell for sure. But... I guess I can update how things are now and hope that they don't change.

This last weekend was scary with a darkness so threatening, I thought I wouldn't make it this time. It hurt terribly, and I really thought I was going to lose against it. As with every time in the past that the darkness seemed too pervasive to make it out, there were beautiful tender mercies that once again saved me from my broken mind and heart. I told my doctor after the fact, and he immediately increased my mood stabilizer with the hope of being able to increase the anti-depressant soon as well.

Yesterday, things started to turn around. I was up to a 7 on my friend's made up "happy scale," and it was wonderful. I walked to the park with my kids and biked a couple miles in the evening. I had energy and even the desire to do some things for the first time in a very long time.

Today is the same, only better (like a 9 or 10 on the happy scale). I think I'm somewhat manic again, but it is a very welcomed relief after the terrible depression crash I had this last weekend. As with nearly all medications, there are side effects (this one makes me nauseous, have a headache, and feel dizzy/lightheaded), but all the side effects are very manageable right now and definitely worth it to feel better emotionally.

I can't tell you how long it's been since I've felt this hopeful, like maybe there really is something out there that can help me, and we finally found it! I still hesitate to feel too hopeful, because the disappointment of finding out that a medication is not a good match for me is devastating, but either way, I'm thankful for this good period I can experience. After facing such a deep darkness, the light is oh so sweet, no matter how fleeting it may be.

God Answers Prayers

The couple of months before we moved here, I was very afraid. I prayed harder than I've ever prayed before for two very specific things 1) that people here would be prepared to know how to help and love me through this struggle and 2) that I would be able to use my experiences to bless others. I prayed for it every single day, even multiple times a day.

Now almost 4 months later, I can say that my prayers have truly been answered! Not only have I been able to connect with the most incredible, loving, kind, selfless friends and find a wonderful doctor who have all changed and saved my life, but tonight I have the third opportunity since moving here to share my experiences with depression and to hopefully offer strength and comfort to those going through similar circumstances.

I still wish every day that this was not a struggle in my life and that the brokenness of my mind and heart can be made whole, but I'm thankful that God has answered my prayers, not with healing yet, but with the people I've needed and the people who maybe need me. Being a part of God's perfect plan is a humbling experience.

Faith and Courage

This week, my evenings have been filled with fear. It's like the sun goes down and suddenly fear takes over my heart. I worry about this new medication not working or making things worse, like all the other medications I've tried in the past. I worry about never finding something that can help me. I worry about having to face another day when the one I just finished was already so exhausting and difficult. I worry about being selfish, because I'm at a point of needing help and having very little to offer in terms of service. I worry that the persistent thoughts that I can't do this will never go away. I worry that I'm going to chase away anyone who has ever loved me, because I keep needing to call on the same people to love, encourage, and offer hope.

And then to top it all off, I remember all those times I've heard something along the lines of "faith and fear cannot co-exist" or "fear is the absence of faith," and the anxiety of not having perfect faith seems unbearable.

But yesterday I found this quote by President Monson, and I love it! I love the thought that fear is simply a part of this life, but facing my fears with faith can make me courageous. Honestly, it takes faith trying a new medicine not knowing how it will affect my mind and body. It takes faith to get up every morning and fight through another day. It takes faith to believe in God's love for me, when I rarely feel it. It takes faith to hope for a better future that I cannot presently see. It takes faith to open up and admit I need help again and again and again, because I truly can't do this alone. Even though my faith is far from perfect, I can choose to be courageous by facing my fears and fighting through each new day with faith.

Mania

On Friday, after talking to my doctor and per his instruction, I stopped taking the mood stabilizer I had been prescribed and only continued on the antidepressant. Apparently he meant to call in another mood stabilizer and forgot, probably because all of this happened via text. Saturday morning, I started to feel great-- tons of energy, thoughts racing 400 mph, this feeling of complete invincibility, the thought that I had conquered depression and that I had the ability to make sure it never came back, etc. It felt incredible to finally feel good, but I knew that it was more than a normal feeling of good, especially since it was the starkest contrast from just two days before. Yesterday, I texted my doctor again, he realized that he had forgotten to send in the new prescription, and he confirmed that this was a manic high caused by taking the antidepressant by itself without a mood stabilizer. Unfortunately, this feeling won't be here forever, but we took advantage of its presence to enjoy lots of outdoor time as a family on this beautiful, warm weekend.

I'm so so so thankful for good days, especially when I can enjoy them with my family! I'm thankful that finally after over 3 years of doctors going back and forth and trying to decide what is happening in my brain, it is very clear that this is bipolar. I'm thankful for my doctor who has been so caring, kind, and helpful through this process. I'm thankful for the hope that has gotten me through the hellish days of darkness that have often seemed unrelenting at the time. I'm thankful for sunshine, warmth, fresh air, and beautiful nature. I'm thankful for my life.

Climbing Mountains

Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has called, texted, messaged, commented, and served me and my family this week. I feel wrapped in warm love and support, and I know that I am so blessed by all of the wonderful people God has placed in my life these many years.

This morning, I talked to my doctor, and he said that the medication I was taking is definitely not a good match. I couldn't have been more relieved to hear that. Of course that means that we still haven't figured out anything that will work yet, but we know one more that won't work, so that's still progress.

Tonight, Kyle and I were able to go on a date after someone offered to watch our kids. We decided to go on a little hike. Not only was it great to be together and in nature, but it was great to feel the strength that comes from climbing mountains together. It reminded me that we can overcome anything as long as we have each other.

I'm so thankful that I don't have to do this life alone and that I am literally surrounded by people who are willing to talk, listen, hug, uplift, encourage, help with my kids, bring me lunch, and even help me fulfill my assignment to make cupcakes for youth activities when I couldn't do that on my own. My life is forever changed by the goodness I have seen shining through the darkness.

Sickness

Depression is a sickness and I am very sick right now. The medication I am on has heightened and magnified every struggle to the point that it is debilitating. Surviving is a daily, hourly battle. I keep fighting, because I love my family, because I have faith in better days to come, and because I want to prove that the hardest struggles can be overcome.

Finding Hope through the Heartache of Depression

This last Saturday, I had the beautiful privilege of speaking at our stake Relief Society activity.  The theme was finding hope through heartache, and I was asked to speak specifically about finding hope through depression.  Because so much of the purpose of this blog is to offer hope to those going through the heartache of depression, I wanted to share my thoughts on here as well.  

So here it goes, the 10 reasons that I find hope through depression:

1. Opening up about this struggle-- I didn't open up for so long for 2 reasons, 1) because I thought this struggle made me unlovable and 2) because I thought I was all alone.  When we moved to Davenport, Iowa, I was convinced that I was the only person in the whole state of Iowa who was struggling with depression.  As ridiculous as that sounds now, I thought it was true, so I thought I couldn't open up about something that no one else would understand or love about me.  Our move to Davenport was very hard on me, and eventually, I knew that I had to open up.  I couldn't keep fighting through this struggle by myself anymore.  So one morning, I got on facebook and wrote a short post about how I struggle with depression and what that means for me.  After I clicked "post," I shut off my computer and thought that I would never get on facebook again, because I was so worried about the reaction I would get.  A while later, I checked back and was amazed at the response.  That time and every time since then, I have received two responses to opening up about this struggle in my life.  1) SO MUCH LOVE!!!  What I once thought made me unlovable has turned out to be the thing that has brought the most love into my life.  2) I cannot even count the number of people who have said, "Me too."  I thought I was all alone, but I wasn't.  There were people all around me who were struggling in the same way and feeling just as alone as I felt, but once I had the courage to open up, I was surrounded by people who understood me, and I was no longer alone.
2. Sharing my story-- Being able to share my story brings me the hope that what I am going through has purpose, because I can use it to bring light to others, even when I myself am in darkness.
3. Hearing other people's stories-- Regardless of what other people struggle with, I find hope through hearing about their struggles, because it reminds me that I am not alone, and it reminds me that we are literally all walking each other home.
4. Looking for joy-- Starting this blog about finding joy through depression has brought me so much hope.  I am not often able to feel the Spirit or to feel Heavenly Father near.  It is so devastating to me that at the times when I need Heavenly Father the most, I cannot feel His comfort.  But looking for joy has been my connection to God.  It has allowed me to see all the tender mercies in my life that help me to know that He is very aware and mindful of me.  I have literally seen miracles.  I still struggle with this nearly every day, so I haven't seen the miracle of healing yet, but I have seen countless miracles of strength and love through these years.
5. Asking for help-- Between 2016 and 2017, I went through a yearlong depression that seemed unrelenting.  After 9 months of this depression, I came home from church one Sunday and cried to my husband, "It has been 9 months and I still don't know how to handle this.  I still don't know how to get through it."  He said something that was so profound and has stuck with me ever since.  He said, "You do know how to handle it.  You know that you need to ask for help."  I remember how this struck me, because up until that point, I thought that I had to do it on my own.  I thought I had to handle it.  When he said this, I realized that it was okay to let others in and to let them be a part of my "handling it."  
6. The love of my family and friends-- I once read a quote that said, "If you cannot look on the bright side of things, I will sit with you in the dark."  That is what so many people have done for me.  They have sat with me in the dark, offering words of comfort, love, encouragement, and hope.
7. Seeking professional help-- I find hope through seeking professional help, because it gives me strength to know that someday, I will be able to find relief.  I am currently in this difficult process, but I will never stop seeking this kind of help, because I need the hope that it brings to me that there are better days to come.
8. Believing in future light-- Before I felt that I could open up about this struggle, church was excruciating.  It felt like 3 long hours that I had to hide.  After one Sunday of hiding, I came home from church, went straight to my room, closed the door, and fell on my face in prayer.  I'm not sure now if I even said any words or just cried, but I remember opening my eyes after several minutes.  Right in front of me was the window to our bedroom and pouring through the window were the brightest rays of sunlight.  I remember hearing almost as audibly as a voice, "Hold on.  Your light will come."  I have faced countless episodes of darkness, but every single one of those episodes has been followed by a period of light.  The light has truly always come again.  I have learned that hope is not always a present feeling, but it can always be a future belief.  I can always keep believing that that feeling of hope will return and that the light will come again.
9. The Savior-- I find hope through knowing that the Savior truly understands everything I experience.  And He doesn't just understand, because He wants to understand.  He understands, because He chose to experience it, so at those times when I cry out saying, "No one knows what I am feeling," He can say that He does understand.  I find so much comfort in knowing that there is nothing I can experience that He has not experienced it first.
10. My knowledge of the Resurrection-- I think Elder Holland said it best when he said, "I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally 'free at last.'”  I find hope in knowing that someday, my heart and mind will be made whole, never to be broken in this way again.  

Surviving

Lately, we have spent a lot of days just surviving. That's not my favorite way to live, but sometimes that's all I can manage. A few mornings ago, I was feeling really down about my lack of ability to do anything more than the bare minimum right now. Brooklyn crept into my room and got under the covers with me to snuggle. I asked her, "Am I a bad mom?" She looked super confused. She said, "No. You're my good mom." I followed up with asking how she knows that I love her. She replied, "Because you snuggle with me while we watch movies together." It brought tears to my eyes that what I saw as us watching way too many movies while the minutes slowly pass by until Kyle gets home, she saw as us snuggling and spending time together. Today is a surviving day, but we've snuggled a lot, so I guess it's a successful day too.

March 1st

March 1st is one of my favorite days of the year, just behind Christmas and my anniversary. February is always the hardest month for me depression wise, and this February was no exception. In fact, this one was harder than others, because we started trying to figure out medication things again, which only compounded some of the usual struggle. March 1st is my day to celebrate surviving. It's my day to look forward to spring. It's always a day of hope. Things can only get better from here!!