This last weekend was scary with a darkness so threatening, I thought I wouldn't make it this time. It hurt terribly, and I really thought I was going to lose against it. As with every time in the past that the darkness seemed too pervasive to make it out, there were beautiful tender mercies that once again saved me from my broken mind and heart. I told my doctor after the fact, and he immediately increased my mood stabilizer with the hope of being able to increase the anti-depressant soon as well.
Yesterday, things started to turn around. I was up to a 7 on my friend's made up "happy scale," and it was wonderful. I walked to the park with my kids and biked a couple miles in the evening. I had energy and even the desire to do some things for the first time in a very long time.
Today is the same, only better (like a 9 or 10 on the happy scale). I think I'm somewhat manic again, but it is a very welcomed relief after the terrible depression crash I had this last weekend. As with nearly all medications, there are side effects (this one makes me nauseous, have a headache, and feel dizzy/lightheaded), but all the side effects are very manageable right now and definitely worth it to feel better emotionally.
I can't tell you how long it's been since I've felt this hopeful, like maybe there really is something out there that can help me, and we finally found it! I still hesitate to feel too hopeful, because the disappointment of finding out that a medication is not a good match for me is devastating, but either way, I'm thankful for this good period I can experience. After facing such a deep darkness, the light is oh so sweet, no matter how fleeting it may be.
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