Finding Hope through the Heartache of Depression

This last Saturday, I had the beautiful privilege of speaking at our stake Relief Society activity.  The theme was finding hope through heartache, and I was asked to speak specifically about finding hope through depression.  Because so much of the purpose of this blog is to offer hope to those going through the heartache of depression, I wanted to share my thoughts on here as well.  

So here it goes, the 10 reasons that I find hope through depression:

1. Opening up about this struggle-- I didn't open up for so long for 2 reasons, 1) because I thought this struggle made me unlovable and 2) because I thought I was all alone.  When we moved to Davenport, Iowa, I was convinced that I was the only person in the whole state of Iowa who was struggling with depression.  As ridiculous as that sounds now, I thought it was true, so I thought I couldn't open up about something that no one else would understand or love about me.  Our move to Davenport was very hard on me, and eventually, I knew that I had to open up.  I couldn't keep fighting through this struggle by myself anymore.  So one morning, I got on facebook and wrote a short post about how I struggle with depression and what that means for me.  After I clicked "post," I shut off my computer and thought that I would never get on facebook again, because I was so worried about the reaction I would get.  A while later, I checked back and was amazed at the response.  That time and every time since then, I have received two responses to opening up about this struggle in my life.  1) SO MUCH LOVE!!!  What I once thought made me unlovable has turned out to be the thing that has brought the most love into my life.  2) I cannot even count the number of people who have said, "Me too."  I thought I was all alone, but I wasn't.  There were people all around me who were struggling in the same way and feeling just as alone as I felt, but once I had the courage to open up, I was surrounded by people who understood me, and I was no longer alone.
2. Sharing my story-- Being able to share my story brings me the hope that what I am going through has purpose, because I can use it to bring light to others, even when I myself am in darkness.
3. Hearing other people's stories-- Regardless of what other people struggle with, I find hope through hearing about their struggles, because it reminds me that I am not alone, and it reminds me that we are literally all walking each other home.
4. Looking for joy-- Starting this blog about finding joy through depression has brought me so much hope.  I am not often able to feel the Spirit or to feel Heavenly Father near.  It is so devastating to me that at the times when I need Heavenly Father the most, I cannot feel His comfort.  But looking for joy has been my connection to God.  It has allowed me to see all the tender mercies in my life that help me to know that He is very aware and mindful of me.  I have literally seen miracles.  I still struggle with this nearly every day, so I haven't seen the miracle of healing yet, but I have seen countless miracles of strength and love through these years.
5. Asking for help-- Between 2016 and 2017, I went through a yearlong depression that seemed unrelenting.  After 9 months of this depression, I came home from church one Sunday and cried to my husband, "It has been 9 months and I still don't know how to handle this.  I still don't know how to get through it."  He said something that was so profound and has stuck with me ever since.  He said, "You do know how to handle it.  You know that you need to ask for help."  I remember how this struck me, because up until that point, I thought that I had to do it on my own.  I thought I had to handle it.  When he said this, I realized that it was okay to let others in and to let them be a part of my "handling it."  
6. The love of my family and friends-- I once read a quote that said, "If you cannot look on the bright side of things, I will sit with you in the dark."  That is what so many people have done for me.  They have sat with me in the dark, offering words of comfort, love, encouragement, and hope.
7. Seeking professional help-- I find hope through seeking professional help, because it gives me strength to know that someday, I will be able to find relief.  I am currently in this difficult process, but I will never stop seeking this kind of help, because I need the hope that it brings to me that there are better days to come.
8. Believing in future light-- Before I felt that I could open up about this struggle, church was excruciating.  It felt like 3 long hours that I had to hide.  After one Sunday of hiding, I came home from church, went straight to my room, closed the door, and fell on my face in prayer.  I'm not sure now if I even said any words or just cried, but I remember opening my eyes after several minutes.  Right in front of me was the window to our bedroom and pouring through the window were the brightest rays of sunlight.  I remember hearing almost as audibly as a voice, "Hold on.  Your light will come."  I have faced countless episodes of darkness, but every single one of those episodes has been followed by a period of light.  The light has truly always come again.  I have learned that hope is not always a present feeling, but it can always be a future belief.  I can always keep believing that that feeling of hope will return and that the light will come again.
9. The Savior-- I find hope through knowing that the Savior truly understands everything I experience.  And He doesn't just understand, because He wants to understand.  He understands, because He chose to experience it, so at those times when I cry out saying, "No one knows what I am feeling," He can say that He does understand.  I find so much comfort in knowing that there is nothing I can experience that He has not experienced it first.
10. My knowledge of the Resurrection-- I think Elder Holland said it best when he said, "I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally 'free at last.'”  I find hope in knowing that someday, my heart and mind will be made whole, never to be broken in this way again.