Moving Forward

I have to share a thought I've had the last few days. But first a little background. I've been sad recently. Not the depressed kind of sad, but the sad that comes from the pain of realizing what my life is now compared to what it used to be. All the broken pieces, all the missed years of learning and growth and progression, and all the missed opportunities with my family and friends and in my community have really gotten me down. Kyle has tried to point out that I've grown, I've been able to reach tens of thousands of people all around the world through writing openly about my depression, and I've started an unofficial non-profit for the psych unit of the hospital because of these struggles, but I've repeated that I would trade all of that for what I once had going for me. 

But I realized something a few days ago that has lifted me up. I realized that a portion of the good that happens in the world has come from bleak circumstances. I can think of so many examples. An organization created to teach self-defense was started by someone who had been kidnapped and sexually abused. A family who lost their daughter to drowning wrote about their grief and delivered hospital stay goodie bags in honor of their daughter to help others in their same position. Another family who lost their sweet little girl to diabetes consistently share the warning signs and use their voice to try to make sure another family won't go through the same horror. A family who lost their son after he was hit by a car at an intersection host a bike safety day for the community every year and give away free helmets. A woman who lost her husband to suicide shares her story and her pains as well as the pains of her children to help others know how important it is to stay. The list could go on and on. No one wanted these things to happen, but the bad opened their eyes to a need that they were prepared to fill through their understanding, and most importantly, they chose to fill it.

I wish so terribly that I wouldn't have been severely depressed for so many years and now carry the trauma of all the things that came with that, but the fact is, I was, so now I have to decide what I'm going to do with it. All of the people I mentioned before inspire me to continue to use my past darkness to do good, however that might look.

Do I still wish that I could go back and somehow stop everything bad from happening? YES! But am I learning to look to the future and do what I can to use these experiences for good? Also yes. It's hard not to wish for different circumstances, but we don't often get to choose those. So I'm doing what I can to be thankful for my ability to choose how to move forward from this now.

Face of Depression

 I was so depressed at the time these pictures were taken, so very depressed, but no one would know looking at them.  They would think I was living a wonderful dream, and in many ways I was with my sweet little family, but depression got in the way of that dream.  

I wish, probably more than anything else, that people could understand the face of depression.  Sometimes it looks happy.  Or put together.  Or even peaceful.  But sometimes hidden behind a smile is pain and heartache.  So... don't forget to be kind.  Remember that everyone has some weight they are carrying, whether or not that is depression.  Check on your seemingly happy friends.  Don't be afraid to give a compliment or express love.  You never know how much it could mean to the person receiving it.  Don't assume that your smiling friends have a perfect life.  They might be snuggling their people close just hoping for better days to come eventually.

Also, a lot of people have asked how I have been doing recently, and the answer is good (for 8 days, which is a long time for me).  Who knows if that will last or if there are more bumps in the road ahead, but right now is good and so I'm truly happy and peaceful.  I hope more than anything that it will stick around.

Puzzle Pieces

 When I got home from the second time of being in the hospital, my whole life felt like it was laying before me in a million shattered pieces. I still wasn't feeling well at all, and I hardly knew where to start in trying to put my life back together. So Kyle and I made a list. We called it our "puzzle pieces," each piece outlining some part of my life that I hoped I could get back at some point. We knew that it would take time, effort, patience, and lots of little baby steps before I could feel that my old life was restored, but it felt good to get all of these pieces written down. After getting home from my third hospital stay, I was feeling so much better than before and was really ready to start getting to work on the puzzle of my life. Some parts were easy to add back in at that point like eating, being at home by myself, and taking care of my kids. Others were more difficult like doing my hobbies again (crocheting, photography, piano), grocery shopping, making dinner, or making commitments. And one (doing our family's budget) I just started yesterday, nearly two months after getting home.

Through it all, I've learned that healing and progress are not linear. Sometimes I still have some rough days and Kyle has to make dinner or help more with the kids, but overall, my puzzle is coming together quite nicely. I'm going to be so proud of this one when it is finished.

Incredible People

 Somehow in this big, long, often difficult journey with my mental health over the last several years, I've crossed paths with some of the most incredible people, people who have been willing to give of their time, effort, knowledge, and love to try to help me. It instantly brings me to tears when I think of these special people in my life. And sometimes I've wondered why? Why do they do it? Why do they care so much about me? I'm just one ordinary person, but somehow that doesn't seem to matter to them. Somehow they feel that I'm needed, that my life is irreplaceable, that I am worth getting better. I'm so thankful beyond words for these good people. I am here and slowly healing because some really smart, caring people and my sweet family have not given up on me.

Struggle

 I'm struggling so much right now. I've had a few very rough days and nights recently, and that is so discouraging and frustrating to me. I feel pains that are impossible to explain and that it seems no person is capable of understanding, and that leaves me feeling incredibly alone. I wish all of this "getting better" could be over at once, but it's a process, sometimes a painfully slow process. I think things are progressively getting better. I want to believe that they are. But my heart is also very afraid, afraid to feel hope, afraid that everything will suddenly come back and I will be stuck in my hellish nightmare again, afraid that I'm going to lose everyone around me because my darkness is too much for them to handle, and afraid that my broken heart is beyond healing. I hope 2022 is a year that I can look back on and see just how far I've come. I pray that it will be the year I will finally find a peace that will be here to stay for a very long time. I'm practically begging God to make this my year to find myself again, the me that feels buried in pain and trauma and scars. I want to find the light that used to fill my eyes. I may not be able to do it on my own, but when I am in Kyle's arms, I feel that somehow I can get there again.