Struggle

 I'm struggling so much right now. I've had a few very rough days and nights recently, and that is so discouraging and frustrating to me. I feel pains that are impossible to explain and that it seems no person is capable of understanding, and that leaves me feeling incredibly alone. I wish all of this "getting better" could be over at once, but it's a process, sometimes a painfully slow process. I think things are progressively getting better. I want to believe that they are. But my heart is also very afraid, afraid to feel hope, afraid that everything will suddenly come back and I will be stuck in my hellish nightmare again, afraid that I'm going to lose everyone around me because my darkness is too much for them to handle, and afraid that my broken heart is beyond healing. I hope 2022 is a year that I can look back on and see just how far I've come. I pray that it will be the year I will finally find a peace that will be here to stay for a very long time. I'm practically begging God to make this my year to find myself again, the me that feels buried in pain and trauma and scars. I want to find the light that used to fill my eyes. I may not be able to do it on my own, but when I am in Kyle's arms, I feel that somehow I can get there again.