According to Charlotte, if I can get to one year of mental stability, then I am considered in "remission." If I can get to five years, then I am basically "cured." The depression is coming up on one month of stability. The anxiety (physical symptoms of anxiety, not the worrying thoughts of anxiety) are still holding on, so that time hasn't started yet. I hope we can get that part under control soon.
Basically, I have to try my very hardest in the next year to avoid any additional stress or certain triggers that could cause a relapse. This means postponing a spring break vacation to Arizona and southern Utah, not having a big family gathering (or really any family gathering) for Brooklyn's baptism, and not pushing myself too hard or committing to too many things.
This is really hard for me. Sometimes I feel like I am ruining my family's life through my struggles, and that hurts me deeply. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on such sweet, critical years with my kids, and that hurts me too. More than I can put into words. Sometimes I miss being able to push myself hard and accomplish great things, or being able to commit to a variety of service and social events.
But when I feel the discouragement start to settle in, I remind myself that I am doing all of this BECAUSE I love my family and want to reach my year of stability for them. I remember that my heart is still healing, and that's okay. It's okay to take the time I need to push myself harder. I still wish this could be some other way, but I just have to think how much sweeter all of these things will be when my darkness is finally far behind me.
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