190 Days

I think I'm finally ready to talk about this.  We'll see if I can have the courage to keep the post up and not take it down.

On August 1st, 2021, I got in my car and drove away from the safety of my home and family with no plan of returning. I felt like I had to escape the relentlessly powerful panic I had been experiencing constantly, and it seemed that there was only one way to do that. I tricked my husband into going to get his shoes on to take a walk, grabbed the keys, and left. The sky was dark and gloomy, but nothing compared to how I felt inside. I got on the highway as my mind was racing about how I was going to proceed. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. But for whatever reason, I kept driving, somehow unable to stop.

Then my phone started to ring. It was my husband. I ignored his call. I was sure that neither him nor anyone else was capable of helping me at that point. All of this had gone too far, and I couldn't bear any of it anymore. My phone rang again. It was my husband again. And once again I ignored him, still thinking that I was beyond saving. Finally on the fourth or fifth call, I hesitantly answered. He begged me to come home. In a voice that I did not recognize coming from myself, I told him that he had to let me go. After a while, he finally convinced me to meet him at a park. He grabbed my completely numb hands and took me to the hospital.

That, my friends, is why my heart and mind are packed to the brim with trauma right now. That is why any semblance of anxiety or depression brings out a response in me like never before.

But that is also why I made this video. Because 190 days later, I've made so many good memories with my family. Maybe less memories than what I would hope if I wasn't still sick much of that time, but little memories and moments nonetheless that I would have missed out on if I wouldn't have stayed, if I wouldn't have trusted in the love of my husband who told me that I was worth saving, if I wouldn't have seen the tiniest glimmer of hope when I realized that maybe there was still an option to live and to not be in so much constant pain.

We have learned in the last 190 days that magic doesn't exist. We're still trying to figure out how to help all of this get better completely, but things are better than they were, and I feel hope that they will continue getting better. I'm so glad now that I didn't give in.