Update

 A lot of people have been asking me for an update on how I’m doing.  It’s too much to tell everyone individually, so here it is in a nutshell.  This is the best I could do to condense it.

After decreasing the medication again that I am trying to wean off of, I began to experience this terribly uncomfortable feeling of having a huge lump in my throat.  This had happened in the past and lasted for a very long time, I went to an ENT for it before, he couldn’t see anything wrong, nothing he suggested helped long-term, sometimes would be worse than other times, but I finally resolved to just deal with it as it seemed there was no other option.  But when things came crashing down last summer, I couldn’t handle this anymore, along with other pains I had been enduring with no solution for any of them (I tried 2 places of physical therapy, 3 chiropractors, massage, etc. with no improvement).  All of these symptoms finally got better when I went on some anxiety medication in the hospital, and I thought they were gone forever.  But when the throat issue came back again, this time was far worse.  I felt like I was choking, like I couldn’t breathe, like I could hardly swallow.  As a result, my anxiety soared through the roof, and this caused great depression.  I literally cried all the time.  I could hardly get out of bed.  I didn’t know how I could handle having this happen again and possibly lasting for a very long time with no ability to relieve it.  I went to an ENT again, he prescribed an antibiotic, and I went on my way desperately hoping it would help.  The days that followed, things did not improve and seemed to only get worse.  Then, other muscles in my body began to tense up and cause pain again, and my anxiety continued to increase.  I felt in my heart that the antibiotic was not going to do anything to relieve this problem and had a strong hunch that it was anxiety-related, so Kyle and I made the difficult decision to go back up on the anxiety medicine.  It was frustrating to take that step back, but within a day, the symptoms in my throat started to improve drastically, as well as the other pain and tightness in my body.  There were other triggers that seemed to contribute to this storm of anxiety, causing it to continually grow worse until it was getting out of control, so we had to do what we could to help me reach a stable place again.

I met with my primary care doctor a couple of days ago, and we decided to try a very low dose anxiety and depression medication on top of what I’m already taking to see if that will relieve some of my anxiety and depression as I try to go off the medication again in the future.  

I am still depressed.  I still cry a fair bit, I feel very tired, I spend more time in bed or on my phone than I would like, I’m hardly productive at all, I get very easily overwhelmed, and I feel down on myself nearly every day, but I think my body is still trying to regulate from what happened.  I picked up my crochet hook again a few days ago after so many weeks of not being able to, so I know things are getting a little better.  I’ve had to say no a lot lately and do what I need to take stress out of my life the best I can, but I’m learning that’s okay.  I always knew that this was a marathon, not a sprint.  I just wish we could consistently take steps forward instead of ever taking steps back.  I'm desperately hoping things will get better soon, so I can make this a fun summer for my kids.