Learning

Things I am sloooowly learning or trying to learn:

How everyone can have a place in the church of Jesus Christ, even when they are broken or weary or have so many unanswered questions about why things happen in life the way they do, and also that there isn't some certain mold to fit into to belong.

How part of praying is accepting God's will, even if that includes enduring literally unbearable pain instead of Him taking it away, and how sometimes God's answers to prayers come through other people helping to make the pain more bearable.

How one desperate, seemingly unanswered prayer last summer doesn't cancel out all of the other many answered prayers.

How my effort really is enough, even though it looks far different now from how it used to.

How to love myself completely, even who I am now compared to who I thought I would be and how my life would be at this point, even as someone who is trying to heal and very slowly making progress, even who I am compared to others who seem far greater and more impactful in the world.

How to work with Kyle to do certain things together that are too hard or overwhelming for me to do on my own and how to figure things out together. Our many late night and early morning talks are paying off in helping me piece together in my mind the things that confuse and repeatedly hurt me.

How trauma is very real and heavily influences so many parts of my life right now but that it can be overcome in time through advances in therapy techniques and significant hard work and pain on my part when I am ready.

How to trust that, in time, Jesus Christ really can bind up broken hearts, not just other people's but mine.

I'm thankful for Kyle, my kids, my close friends, my amazing counselor, many church leaders, and others who offer their time, support, love, and lack of judgment during such a difficult time of trying to make sense of things that simply don't make sense. I cry a lot right now because so many things hurt in ways that I can't explain so that others can understand, but I'm trying to smile through the tears and keep hoping that my heart won't always hurt this bad.