What Makes Me Smile

 When life throws me down, the first battle is choosing to take some little step to get back up.  That first step is always the hardest, as the others seem to somehow follow once I can find the strength to begin trying to live again.  Often times, this new beginning comes in being intentional about looking for things that make me smile.  Here were some of mine for the week:

--Brooklyn and Garrett each saying the cutest little things, like Brooklyn telling me that she likes how preying mantis arms look like tacos and Garrett wrapping his blanket around his head and telling all of us that he is Santa now. 😍😂

--Making some crayon art with my kids and then having to google how to get melted wax out of... well... everything.  We had fun 🤷‍♀️🙈

--Kyle and I both realizing that the only reason we planted green beans in our garden was because we thought the other one wanted them.  Now we have lots of green beans and neither of us really want to eat them 😂

--Showing up to a church activity and matching shirts with the cutest little baby to snuggle. 😍

--Being in my young women class at church last Sunday and doing our usual going around and saying how our week was.  I was first.  I said, "My week was... greatttt" in a slightly sarcastic tone.  We all laughed and it was so nice to be able to feel safe in that space and to be able to find humor even in struggle.

--Looking at my two copies of "Christmas with the Kranks" sitting on the shelf that I bought at a garage sale recently and thinking about how much I am going to enjoy watching that movie on repeat this winter. 😜

--My new counselor telling me that she does EMDR, which is something I had searched Google for in the last couple of months, hoping that it could help me.  

--Working on a new piano song that is so peaceful and beautiful.  I will definitely play it as a musical number in church when I'm ready.

--Getting an awesome deal on a gift for Brooklyn's birthday, because why wouldn't a great deal make me smile?! 😆

--Crossing the parking lot in front of a car that waved me across to put away my shopping cart, only to realize when I was walking back that I was parked right next to one.  I looked awesome. 🤣

--My friend having an appointment with my same hormone specialist and switching me days so I can get in earlier.  

--Finishing the CUTEST little crocheted bear.  Something about creating brightens my world.

--Little moments of progress, like feeling my appetite coming back and seeing my weight return or conquering more moments of anxiety.  

I'm winning, friends.  Little by little, I'm winning, and it feels so good.

Overcoming Fears

Warning: long post.  I couldn't condense it anymore than this.

I originally thought this summer was going to be my summer to prove to myself how strong I am and how much I am still capable of doing.  I had big plans-- camp with Kyle's family, camp with Kyle at Glacier, fly to Indiana by myself with my kids for my brother's wedding, go to girl's camp with my young women from church, be alone with my kids while Kyle went on a business trip for a week, and prepare to go off medicine to have one more baby.

Everything was going so well.  We went camping with Kyle's family and had a great time.  Then, Kyle and I went to Glacier and had a great time there too.  But when we came home from Glacier, everything unexpectedly came crashing down.  I think I metabolized my medicine too quickly with how active we were, and that, paired with all of our upcoming plans that pushed me far out of my comfort zone and the heartbreaking death of one of my best friend's husband, left me debilitated by anxiety.

I cancelled my plane tickets to Indiana, but the anxiety continued.  I missed my friend's husband's funeral, tentatively cancelled going to girl's camp, and abandoned the idea of having another baby, but the anxiety only got worse.  I couldn't shut off my body's fight or flight response.  Eventually, it almost suffocated me, so Kyle took me to the hospital.

While in the hospital, I realized something so comforting.  No, I didn't do everything I thought I would, and I didn't "prove" everything I wanted to prove, but I still grew.

I faced great fears-- going to the hospital (which scared me so much), being away from Kyle (I couldn't have any visitors in the hospital and he is my constant, safe person), and wearing a mask in the hospital (which has been a HUGE source of anxiety for me for a long time).  I did all of that, proving to myself my strength and capability, as well as learning more about reaching out for help, knowing my limits, and adjusting accordingly.  Most of all, I stayed here through a pain that was far beyond anything I have ever before experienced.  I won another great battle in the war for my life with the help of so many good people, including my beautiful family.

While I'm heartbroken over all that happened and especially my clear inability to have another baby, I feel proud of myself for what I have overcome.  I'm no longer afraid to go to the hospital again if I need another "reset," although I obviously hope not to need it.  My husband and I have grown so much together in our knowledge about my mental struggles and in our love and support for each other.  I'm working hard to find my peace again, and I feel a confidence in my ability to conquer the "impossible."  I wanted SO badly for God to heal me and take away my pain, but instead, He gave me the tools and the people to help me fight and not give up.

Thank You!

Thank you again to everyone who has shown love and support to our family during such a challenging time. We feel incredibly blessed to know that we do not have to struggle through this life alone. Between an outpouring of meals, babysitting, anonymous packages, prayers, messages, and more hearts than we knew possible, we feel carried by your compassion. After going back to the hospital yesterday and getting a medicine to help me sleep, things are finally improving today. We hope this turning point will last and will lead us to better solutions for my health so we won't have to travel this difficult road again. Thank you to each of you for being part of my story! I wish I could thank you personally with a big hug.

Mission Possible

I'm home now.  I was greeted with this incredible view that left me completely speechless.  Thank you, friends.  My heart is filled with love.  I will tell a little more about some things later, but for now, I have a family that needs snuggling.  

#MissionPossibleWasASuccess

#ImSoBlessed 

#ThankYou 😭

Prayers

 Friends, please pray for me. I am at the hospital again. I need all the prayers and love I can get.

Wouldn't You Miss Having These Moments?

A few months ago, I was having a really hard time.  Sometimes it's so hard for me to comprehend my struggle with depression persisting and how I will be able to handle it forever.  It was one of those times when I didn't want to be here anymore, because life felt too overwhelming and scary.  I was walking home from a youth activity and didn't know how to go home and face everything in my heart, so I kept walking.  I knew the exercise couldn't be bad for me and I needed more time to think.  At one point, I turned around and the colors of a vibrant sunset had begun to fill the sky.  Along with seeing the beauty came this thought into my mind, "What if this was the last sunset you ever got to see?  Wouldn't you miss having these moments?"  

I've thought about this a lot recently.  I don't know why I'm struggling so much right now, but I am.  Life feels so overwhelming and scary again.  I can't imagine reaching 30 years old, let alone as old as I will live.  (I am definitely going to have a huge birthday party for myself when I finally reach 30 😂)  But I can't let go of the thought that I would miss so many little moments if I didn't stay here.  Not just beautiful sunsets and rainbows like the ones last night, but also little moments with my family-- seeing Garrett's delight when he gets into the firepit and makes a mess or finds a puddle in the middle of the sidewalk and decides to lay down in it; watching Kyle dance around in the kitchen with sawdust on the floor because we spilled a jar of grease or looking so cute counting with Garrett during a game of hide-and-go-seek; stopping our bike ride and getting in the splash pad in our clothes until we are dripping wet simply because wanted to; seeing Brooklyn's face light up when she sees a big puddle to splash in; watching Garrett's cute little legs move from behind as he rides his balance bike; seeing Garrett and Brooklyn together, helping and loving each other.

It's the little moments that I can't imagine missing and that I have to hold on for.  I don't know what my future holds.  I can't think about it.  All I can think is that I'm here today, so I have to find at least one little moment that makes today worth it for me and be thankful for my people whose love carries me through the rest.

Vulnerability

 I am in tears.  This right here is exactly why I share the vulnerable things I do.  For some reason that I don't know, my story started circulating again.  It has reached thousands more people in the last couple of days and has brought overwhelming amounts of love into my life.  But this one comment of only five simple words makes my heart burst.  So many people struggle to find hope, including myself sometimes still, but being in a place where I know light and feel hope again right now and can share that with someone else makes my pain feel worth it.  As I have said before, this isn't about me.  It's simply about what God can do with brokenness, and I'm humbled to be a small part of that process.

#ThereIsAlwaysHope 

#YouAreLovedAndNeeded 

#HoldOn

Coming Back to Life

 "Coming back to life," as I call it, after every episode of severe depression is a process that I never wanted to experience once, let alone repeat so many times.  I don't know if I can find the words to adequately describe it, but I have to try.

At first, it's remembering what it was to feel the emotion of happiness, but wondering if that is somehow no longer attainable for me, like I'm too far gone to find that peace in my life again.  It's hurting so deeply as I try to find whatever life and light is still left in my heart and go on.  It's being forced to face the harsh reality that this problem will likely come and go periodically for the rest of my life and trying to overcome the overwhelming thought of how many years and how much heartache is left ahead of me, knowing that I can't stop it all from happening.  It's often feeling alone in these feelings, because there aren't the right words to explain it, although I'm so thankful for the people who try to understand.  Eventually, through little experiences and tender mercies that build on one another, my days start to fill with more and more light, until I finally feel like myself again.

It takes time and lots of patience to work through this process, but I'm getting there once again.  Little by little, day by day, step by step, I'm coming back to life and hoping that this will stick around for a very long time.

I have to share these three pictures, because they show the process unfolding perfectly.  It started with me laying down almost all the time, hardly able to get through the days, scrolling my phone in an attempt to pass a little more time, not able to be present with my family, because everything hurt too much, feeling like my family desperately needed more than what I would ever be capable of offering, etc.  Kyle sent me this picture from inside our house and pointed out that even when I was just surviving, I was still making my kids happy by playing with them with my feet.  They were laughing, and I hadn't even really noticed.  When I saw his message though, I immediately felt a little spark of light, like there was something good left inside of me, and I could somehow try to be okay again.  And I did.  After that, I started doing a couple of the things that I knew could help me be okay again.

Then, a week later, Kyle wanted to go on a hike as a family.  Somehow he knew what my heart needed, even when I didn't.  We spent time together in nature, in the sunshine, working up a sweat, taking pretty pictures, and it fed my soul.  When we got to the lake at the top, a random man said to me in passing, "It's all worth it," words I had been wondering and asking myself for days.  How he knew that I needed to hear those exact words I will never know, but I felt an even bigger spark, like some sort of energy filled my heart and lifted away a huge weight that had been hanging there.  

We walked back down the mountain and my heart felt different.  I really, really wanted to try to be okay.  I finally felt like I could.  Near the end of the hike, I wanted a picture with my family and with the beautiful view, because it all made me happy, not the fake happiness I had been forcing for a few weeks, but real happiness.

I guess my point in sharing this is to say that coming back to life is possible.  I've done it 23 times, and realistically that number won't stay there, but I'll keep doing it again and again, as many times as I have to.  Thanks to my wonderful husband, sweet kids, and many supportive friends, I can keep doing it, because they help me carry what my heart could never endure on its own.

Miracles

 When I think of miracles, I think of my medicine.  A little half of a pill that takes me from thinking that I can't go on anymore, that I am completely failing my family, and that they would even be better off without me in their life to remembering what it is to feel happiness and hope again.  Every three months, I have to take a week break from the medicine.  The last week break was three weeks ago, and it was SO rough this time.  It always surprises me how quickly my life can go from beautiful light to bitter darkness, as well as how my heart can feel so much pain and keep beating.  But it does keep beating, because of the people around me who remind me that pain always passes, light always comes again, and choosing life is always worth it!  It's so humbling and feels incredibly vulnerable to have to rely on what other people see and know when my vision and mind are completely clouded by the darkness of depression, but eventually I can remember for myself who I am and why I am here, and I feel thankful that they didn't give up on me.  Today I know the light is coming back again, and it makes me want to hold my little family tight, because it's their love and their need for me that always gives me a reason to stay.

Another Year Later

Two year ago, this day changed my life.  It still makes me want to cry when I think about it-- what happened, how it affected me for so long, and how it is still a painful part of me.

One year ago, this day changed my life again, but this time for the better.  I shared this part of my story, and for the first time, I really felt like I had a voice that needed to be heard on the topics of suicide prevention and understanding severe depression.  I never would have thought that any of this would have been my life, but being able to find little ways to turn my past darkness into light for someone else fills me with purpose.  

Today, I am happy.  I still have days when I struggle with things, especially overcoming the traumatic memories and triggers from being severely depressed for such a long time, but overall, I'm much happier.  I'm thankful to still be here, thankful to be able to work hard to find my whole peace again, and thankful to feel hope.  I wish I could somehow wrap that hope and happy ending to my story in a little box to give to anyone who is struggling with thoughts of suicide.  Oh what I would have given to have been able to receive that from someone else when I needed it.

So I guess you'll just have to trust me.  Trust me that sticking around is worth it.  Trust me that the people around you really truly want you here, that they for sure wouldn't be better off without you.  I can tell you that they would be devastated to lose you.  *I* would be devastated to lose you.  Trust me that there are people around you who want to and are able to help you.  Mine was a long journey that involved so many different people somehow coming together in the most perfect way to provide me with the help I desperately needed.  The same can happen for you!  Trust me that someday you will be glad you stayed.  Where I'm at now has a really great view, and it keeps getting better.

For so long, I thought I was destined to die from depression, but now I'm learning what it's like to live again, and it's a beautiful life!