That We Might Have Joy: Emily's Story

I have a vivid Memory of New Year’s Eve 1997.  It was 10:00 pm, and I was alone in my grandma’s basement in Salt Lake City, hearing the grandfather clock tick, tick, tick. A few days earlier we had been driving from Colorado to Utah for my cousin’s wedding and hit some black ice on the road and got into a terrible accident near Evanston, Wyoming.   My Dad had spent the last 2 days at the Salt Lake hospital with my mom, who had broken her neck in the accident, trying to decide which procedure would be the right thing for her.  He hadn’t slept in days and had gone to bed.  My grandma, who had sustained injuries in the accident including a dislocated shoulder, had also gone to bed.  We had buried her husband just a month before, after an unexpected heart attack.   I am the youngest of 4 and my two oldest siblings were on their missions—my sister Allison in Russia, and my brother Zach in the Philippines.  My older sister, Lindsay, just 2 years older than I, was gone.  She had died in the car accident, on the cold windy plains of Wyoming.  I had never felt more alone in my life then I did that night.  And at 10:00 pm, coming to grips with the situation, with the ticking clock as my only companion, I didn’t feel like it was going to be a very happy new year.  I looked at the rows of family pictures running up and down the basement hallway at my grandma’s house and cried and cried and cried.

And then, I reached up to Heaven.  I prayed.  And I opened the scriptures and began to read.  And kept crying. As I read and prayed and pondered, one particular verse came with great power into my heart.  I read in Mosiah chapter 5, verse 4: “And it is the faith which we have had on the things which our king has spoken unto us that has brought us to this great knowledge, whereby we do rejoice with such exceedingly great joy.”  The words resonated in my soul, and the Holy Ghost brought exceedingly great joy to MY heart.  I looked again at all the family pictures lining the walls and felt grateful for such beautiful memories and such wonderful people in my life, and the Spirit communicated to my heart with absolute certainty that families really can be together forever.  I felt, through the words of that verse and through the power of the Holy Ghost, that the gospel principles I had learned throughout my life were true and powerful and important and vital to my success in navigating through what lay ahead in my life.  And my faith, on the things which my Great King had spoken to me through the scriptures and all the prophets, brought me to a great knowledge, that allowed me to rejoice with exceedingly great joy.  And so at midnight on that quiet, solitudinous New Year’s Eve— after praying, and journaling, and reading, and crying,  I was able to have hope for a happy new year—knowing that my Great King was aware of me, that I was not alone, and that my faith on His words would be connected to exceedingly great joy for the rest of my life.  That experience was truly a gift.  It didn't take away the sadness, or the struggle, or the buckets of tears that I would cry in the days to come over losing my sister, but it helped me understand that even in the darkest, loneliest, saddest of times, there is joy.  And that the Prince of Peace has never left us comfortless and that He can wrap us in "peace that passeth understanding" if we turn to Him.

***Also, check out Emily's website about finding joy HERE and listen to her beautiful original song about finding joy below.

That We Might Have Joy: Charlee's Story

My name is Charlee. I am 24 years old, and believe me I have had my fair share of medical issues. When I was 18 years old, about to graduate high school, I was diagnosed with Type One Diabetes a few weeks before my high school graduation. This was in May of 2011. This was extremely shocking and changed my life immensely. I have been through ups and downs with disease, and it is extremely hard to handle, but it has also introduced me to some incredible friends!

In April of 2017, I had been soooooo sick! I was exhausted. I would come home from my job as a teacher and fall asleep before dinner, wake up to eat, and go back to sleep for the rest of the evening. I had lost weight and was having terrible stomach problems and anxiety. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with Hashimotos Hypothyroidism and borderline Celiacs disease. Hashimotos is something that messes with your thyroid. Your thyroid controls your hormones. When this is compromised, you can become very emotional, exhausted, anxiety ridden, and overall out of whack.
I began taking medicine for my thyroid and stopped eating gluten. I started to feel great again, and life went back to normal.

It was summer. I had just finished running a race called “The Bix”. It is a 7-mile road race in the middle of the summer. It is physically grueling and emotionally challenging. I ran the race and never felt better! I felt healthy and like I could conquer anything!

Fast forward a few weeks. I started school to pursue a career change. I have a degree in Early Childhood Education, but I wanted to be able to teach in a different way. I was on my path to becoming a diabetes educator, and I was loving it! I loved all of the things I was learning in my classes, and I was making plans to run my next race in the Fall. About two weeks into school starting, everything changed, and I soon felt like my world was crumbling around me.

I had been having some numbness on the left side of my abdomen since June. I initially brushed it off thinking it was strange, but it didn’t hurt so it must be fine, right? As the months went on, the numbness started to spread to more parts of my stomach and down my left leg. I decided it was time to get it checked out. I went to several doctors who had no idea what was going on. I was then referred to a neurologist. I went to the neurology appointment just like any other doctors appointment, expecting it to be nothing serious.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was at the appointment for several hours, and finally, the doctor said that they were transferring me to the local hospital for further testing. I knew this wasn’t a good sign, but he still had not told me what he thought was going on.  I called my husband and told him the situation. He was in class but went home to get my things and came to the hospital right away. That night I had an MRI of my lumbar and thoracic regions of my spine and TONS of blood work. I stayed in the hospital that night and the next morning the doctor said that all of the tests came back clear. I thought this was great news…

The second day in the hospital, I had more blood work as well as an MRI of my cervical spine and my brain. The nurse said that she would let me know when the results came back and that she would call the doctor about them and I would probably be able to go home. About half an hour after the MRI, she came back in and said the doctor was on his way to discuss the results with me. Now anyone who has ever dealt with medical issues knows that this is generally not a good sign, especially when she is telling me this at 11:30 at night.
The doctor came in and was very hesitant. Little did I know, the next four words he would say would change my life forever.

“You have Multiple Sclerosis.” Excuse me what???

This is the moment where I broke down. I felt the room spinning, and all I could hear were the sound of my screams and my husband’s worried sighs.

How was this possible? Aside from a little numbness, I felt fine!

I left the hospital that night to try to process the news of being diagnosed with my fourth Autoimmune disease. My husband and I went to a friends house to pick up our dog, and we told them the news. The night was filled with many tears and an abundance of prayers. How was this happening? I was at a point in my life where I felt like my relationship with God was stronger than it had ever been and then this happened. I am not proud of it, but this diagnosis definitely shook my faith for a few weeks. It was extremely difficult for me to accept. Way harder than the other diseases I was dealing with.
The weeks that followed were filled with pain, doctors, and hospital visits multiple times a week, and sadness. I felt numb. It was a strange feeling, and I was not sure how to accept this new life-altering diagnosis.

According to the National Multiple Sclerosis Foundation, Multiple Sclerosis is defined as, “an unpredictable, often disabling disease of the central nervous system that disrupts the flow of information within the brain, and between the brain and body.”

This disease causes vision problems, nerve pain, numbness, weakness, memory loss, brain fog, fatigue, and many other symptoms. This was my current situation and my future.

I spent the coming weeks trying to cope with all of this all while dealing with an allergic reaction from steroids that were supposed to help my symptoms. I had never been so sick in my life.

One Sunday morning my husband and I got up and got ready for church like always. I still felt numb and angry, but we went anyways. We got to the service, and I did not expect what I was about to feel. The worship band started singing a song titled “I Am Set Free."

A wave of emotions came over me, and I cried. I broke down sobbing in the middle of the church service and sang through my tears. I was letting go of everything I had been holding in for the past few weeks. I let go of the anger and the blame and the misery. I felt a sense of love and hope come over me, and for the first time since my new diagnosis, I felt like I would be okay.

Since that day, I still struggle, but I am doing my best to cling to God and know that He has a plan. I am no longer in school, simply because I could not keep up between all of the doctors’ visits and sick days. I work part time as well as working from home selling cosmetics and skincare which has been an incredible blessing. Maybe one day I will start again or maybe not. Right now I am just trying to get healthy and rely on God for strength and encouragement.

If you would like to continue following Charlee's inspiring story, you can visit her blog HERE.

That We Might Have Joy: Jennifer's Story

I used to be a singer, dancer, & actress.  Previous to college, I travelled Europe and sang in the cathedrals. I also performed on the Disney stage at Walt Disney World.  Later, I went to BYU and received a bachelor's degree in elementary education with a minor in music. While at BYU, I was on the Ballroom Dance Team, in the Women's Chorus, and in an A Capella Group. After BYU, I was an elementary teacher for 1st grade, 2nd grade, K-5 music, I subbed all the grades in the elementary classrooms and in P.E., and I was a K-12 math tutor.

By 2004, I was married and had 3 kids, 1 boy & 2 girls.   I was a very active mom.  I was 30 years old when I had a severe brainstem stroke in 2004, losing the ability to speak or move.   (I am in a wheelchair, I have double vision, I no longer have control of my emotions, my left side doesn't move, and I barely move on my right side.)  My kids were 2, 4, & 6. Naturally, I was devastated!

While it hurt to be unable to sing or dance, the stroke has helped me to simplify my life & re-arrange some of my life priorities. My family brings me the greatest joy in life, & the gospel allows us to be a forever family!

I continue to enjoy life & find ways to still do the things I love.  I love to scrapbook, & I have taught both digital & traditional scrapbooking.  (There will always be a "teacher" in me!) I even had a digital scrapbook page published! I still love music, but  I find enjoyment in other ways--like learning to play the guitar, piano, and autoharp (though I still attempt to sing)!  I love to write, & I also have had an article published in The Ensign, a church magazine. I would like to publish a book someday. A website was started in 2004, to share my stroke recovery with friends & family.   You can read all about me there!

That We Might Have Joy: Anonymous Story

Two years ago, right before Christmas, I lost all hope. I felt so emotionally broken that everything hurt physically. It felt as if it took all my strength and effort to even breathe. My will to live had vanished. It was an impulsive decision. I had not planned it. I didn't say any goodbyes.

That evening, alone, I attempted suicide.

A friend brought me to the hospital. I was admitted and stayed for one week. There I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder type II. I was started on medication, but it was a long road to stability.

When I first came home from the hospital, I felt like things would never be okay. I was scared. Scared that my life had changed forever. People treated me like I was made of glass. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to be treated like me, not as if I could break or snap at any moment.

Slowly, I began to get my spark back. I went to therapist appointments weekly. I saw my psychiatrist once a month. We adjusted medication. Changed medication. We worked hard to find a combination and a dosage that worked. I still see my psychiatrist every three months; I see my therapist every other week. I work hard at home by exercising and trying to find other healthy outlets for my emotions.

I still have bad days. I have days where I am frustrated, days where I am sick of feeling different from everyone else. I am scared of the judgment from other people. I am not like everyone else. I take three pills a day just to feel okay.

But, after two long years, I have finally reached a feeling of stability. The suicidal thoughts that used to invade my thoughts daily are rare and fleeting. I don't spend all day everyday worrying about how I will feel tomorrow or if I will want to hurt myself again. I feel more stable than I have ever felt.

I hit rock bottom. But with the help of friends, medical professionals, and hard work, I feel okay again. It takes time and work, but I promise that you will climb back up. Rock bottom isn't forever. It's a place to start over.

Walk in Faith Part 2

To read Part 1, go HERE.



November 14, 2017

No, we're not pregnant yet.  At least not that I know yet.  But I need to write.  There are so many thoughts swirling around in my brain, and I need to organize them and make sense of them as I write about the last couple of months.

First, we went to an infertility specialist.  After confirming that everything seemed to be alright, we moved forward with trying to do an IUI along with taking clomid.  As I wrote HERE and HERE and HERE, that was an AWFUL experience, and the fact that I lived through it is a miracle to me.  We skipped that month of doing an IUI, because I needed to recover from the terrible difficulties the clomid had caused me to experience.  I was just fine with skipping that month, because I was sure that the news of being pregnant would not settle well with my very broken brain and hurt heart at that time.

The next month (November), we decided to try again, except without the clomid this time.  The days and weeks leading up to our next attempt at an IUI, I felt so peaceful and even quite excited.  This was going to be a very good thing.  I could hardly stop thinking about ideas of how we could announce that we were pregnant and how my daughter would be so giddy at this news.

While I was doing grocery shopping the day before the IUI, I felt so much gratitude in my heart as I looked back on the long journey of the last 2 years trying to conceive and everything that has transpired in that time.  I thought about how God had planted the thought in my mind to start trying again to have a baby at a time when things were so awful, but maybe that was because He knew it would take time, and by the time it would work, I would be feeling somewhat better about things.  I wanted to cry happy tears as I reflected on how blessed my little family is and how we are experiencing so many miracles along with the difficult storms.

The next day, a Sunday, we woke up to snowflakes falling for the first time this season.  It was so beautiful, and it felt like a celebration of what was about to happen.  I started to feel a little nervous, but I tried to push those nervous feelings aside and remember how much peace I had been feeling.  Sparing any details, we did the IUI, I headed to church, and everything felt so good.  I held someone else's baby all through Relief Society and imagined how I would have one of my own to hold soon enough!  My heart felt calm, and I was thankful.

Unfortunately, that calm didn't last very long.  After church, I started to feel some sadness, but I pushed it away.  This was a happy day, and no depression was going to steal the happiness I was feeling.  I was determined to keep my spirits high.  But the depression wouldn't listen, and by evening, it had overtaken me.  I tried to feel good emotions, but all I could feel was sadness.  I was so overwhelmed.  What if this works and I do have another baby?  How will I do that, when I'm often unsure how I will even survive this long, dark, cold winter?  I'm failing my daughter already.  How will I add another one to that?  Why can't I just be healed, so I can be the kind of mom I want to be again?  What if I don't feel excited when I find out I'm pregnant?  What if I don't love my baby?  How will my brain react to pregnancy?  

I felt so much doubt that it was the right thing to try to get pregnant, and I was so afraid of what was to come.  No effort on my part could dispel these fears, but thankfully my husband recognized that there was a storm raging inside of me.  As we got ready for bed, he asked how I was feeling.  I told him that I was sad, but I didn't expound, because I didn't want to admit that I had fallen so far from where I was.  I had been so excited, and now, that excitement was nowhere to be found.  Without pausing, my husband asked if I was sad about having a baby.  I was so thankful that somehow he knew, and I didn't have to say it, only admit to it.  He hugged me as I broke down and told him that I just want to be made whole.  I want all of this pain to be taken away.  I want to go back to the way things used to be.

I cried more as I told him all the things I used to do as a mom and how those things just aren't possible anymore.  I wanted to feel better, be back to normal, and then have a baby, but it didn't seem that was God's plan.  I was hurt and felt so alone.  My husband held me and repeated that he is so sorry this is my challenge and that we will get through this together.  I don't have to do it alone, because he will always be there to help me.

While his words were comforting, and while I did feel safe in his arms, the tears didn't stop for a few more hours.  I went out to our couch, so my husband could sleep, and kept sobbing.  Nothing I tried could bring peace to my soul.  Finally, I went back to bed and drifted off to sleep.  Sleep was my escape for that night.

I still feel so much fear at how unqualified I am for this task given the challenges I continue to face every day, but I am praying hard that I will feel some peace and genuine happiness when I find out we're pregnant (whenever that happens), so those happy emotions can carry me through the struggles to come.



November 28, 2017

The last time I wrote, I was so sad.  That sadness continued for a whole week, and I cried every single day.  It was so much to take in and handle.  I was beyond afraid and doubtful of my own abilities.  The week after (last week), I started to feel an enormous feeling of peace.  The darkness passed, and I knew and felt that everything would be alright.  I kept praying to feel peace and happiness, and God definitely answered those sincere prayers!

At the start of the week, I began to have some very early symptoms of pregnancy.  I was excited and nervous, but only nervous that I was imagining it, since it had been two long years of trying and tricking myself nearly every month.  By the middle of the week, I started to feel nauseous and very sensitive to smells.  I couldn't believe I was already feeling that, because I didn't start to feel that way with Brooklyn until I was about 6 weeks pregnant (I would have only been about 3 1/2 weeks pregnant at this point).  I continued to feel excitement and happiness, but I also tried to push away those feelings some, because I didn't want to feel disappointment if I wasn't pregnant.

At the end of the week, I took the pregnancy test.  I was going to wait until Sunday, but it seemed pretty obvious what the result would be, so I took it a couple days early.  It immediately showed a positive result.  Tears filled my eyes as I walked out of the bathroom all but shaking with excitement as I showed my husband.  We hugged, and I'm pretty sure there were some tears in his eyes too.  It worked.  It actually worked!  It felt like some huge miracle had just taken place in our lives, but perhaps the greatest miracle was that I felt so much happiness, peace, and JOY in the midst of finding out about our miracle baby.

I still feel somewhat shocked that it worked and that it's real, but the sickness I've been experiencing has been a sweet and tender reminder of the miracle forming inside of me.  The sickness has also been a huge tender mercy at helping to ease my fears of losing this baby, which would be a sure way to send me into a very long depression.  I have already experienced much more anxiety this pregnancy, but being sick has helped calm some of those fears and has been a big blessing.



November 30, 2017

I am a big ball of anxiety right now.  Like seriously, every second I am overcome with fear and worry.  What if this baby is stillborn?  What if I miscarry?  What if something ends up being wrong?  And will it all be my fault?  These thoughts constantly cycle through my brain causing so many frightening feelings.  The worst of them all is that I really feel like anything that goes wrong will be my fault.  I forgot to take a vitamin a couple of days, and those could have been the critical days when my baby needed that specific vitamin.  I took a bath, and maybe it was too hot.  I've just recently been getting on a better schedule reading my scriptures regularly, so maybe I don't deserve this blessing.  It goes on and on.  You wouldn't believe the things my brain can imagine when I have anxiety running through my system.

I think one thing thing that is causing this struggle is the fact that we have been trying for so long to have a baby, and I am honestly so afraid that it won't last, that it's not here forever, and then we'll have to start over.  I'm sure my first appointment in January will help me to feel some peace as I have an ultrasound and can see my precious baby's perfect little body.

These last few days have reminded me of a few years ago when I really really struggled with anxiety.  I remember how I kept telling my husband what I was feeling, and I kept repeating the word "fear" or "scared" or "worried."  Finally, after patiently listening, he suggested that I read talks and scriptures about the character of God, so that I could find out if those feelings came from God or from somewhere else.  I found great comfort in this gem of a scripture, and the truths it contains:

I continue referring to this scripture in my mind, as I remember that feelings of fear and anxiety don't come from God.  If this was a prompting from the Spirit telling me of something that is to come, I would feel an overwhelming feeling of peace accompanying this prompting.  I can find comfort in knowing that God does not want me to feel afraid, and He does not instill fear in me.

One of the big blessings that has come from this anxiety is how it has helped me to realize how much love I have for this sweet baby.  This has been a concern of mine for the last year, because of my lack of good emotions most of the time, but feeling anxiety and sadness when I think about how difficult it would be to lose this sweet baby has brought me peace and overwhelming feelings of love.



December 7, 2017

I am so sick this pregnancy!  All day.  Every day.  It has really eased my anxiety feeling sick, and I'm sure hoping the nausea and vomiting is a sign that everything is going well in growing this baby.

I'm so excited to be pregnant at Christmas time, as we celebrate the perfect baby born so many years ago who changed all of our lives.  Every nativity I see brings tears to my eyes as I think about what it will be like to hold my own precious baby soon enough.  This is a very, very good thing!

I have been doing relatively well emotionally these last few weeks, which has been a very welcomed and appreciated relief.  I am already a little bit worried about how my body will react after having this baby since that was such a hard time after having Brooklyn, but I know I am surrounded by wonderful family and friends who love me and will help me if that happens to be a difficult time.

Overall, I am thankful and happy to have this miracle taking place in my life.  I am very blessed and filled with JOY!



December 27, 2017

These last couple days have been very emotional.  The tears won't stop flowing, and once again, I'm so afraid.  In the moments when the fear seems overwhelming and like it's too much to handle, I remind myself that things are going to get better soon.  Once this baby is born, we will continue trying to find a medication to help me.  It's going to be okay.  This is just one very wonderful step in the process!  I remind myself that I have a wonderful husband and daughter who love me and are so patient with me.  We are going to get through this together!  Sometimes I think that, as a mom, I shouldn't feel these sorts of emotions.  Pregnant moms should just be happy and excited all the time, but I'm re-learning that emotions are real and that there isn't really a should or should not when it comes to emotions.  I have probably experienced every single emotion possible in these last 2 months, but that's okay.  It's real, and it doesn't mean that I'm any less thankful for this miracle or less in love with my baby.  I have seen God's hand working in my life in tremendous ways over the last two years, and that isn't going to stop now.  I will continue to walk in faith, and I know God will continue to bless my family.

I'm Back...

I haven't written in a while for several reasons:

1. How was I supposed to write anything about me or my life when we weren't telling anyone yet about our huge, two-year anticipated secret of being pregnant?  I just couldn't find any words, so I didn't write anything.
2. I have been doing relatively well emotionally since getting pregnant.  I was so worried about this a few months ago when we started trying again, and so far, it has been really good.  Yay!  (Therefore, I haven't had much to write in terms of why this blog is here.)
3. I have been feeling unusually discouraged about writing.  It just feels like everything I write is dumb, not helpful, or annoying.  I have gone back to read the sweet messages people have sent to me about how the things I have written have helped them, so I have decided that I will continue writing, even though it is often a scary thing to put myself out there so openly.  
4. I have been incredibly sick this pregnancy, and most of my days are spent just trying to get through the day.  It's kind of funny, because the result of being physically sick has been almost the same as being emotionally sick, laying in bed for hours during the day trying to find the motivation to do anything.  I'm sure hoping this part gets better soon!

In the coming days, I will have lots to share, including some very inspiring stories for my "That We Might Have Joy" project.  But for now, check out this collage of the JOYful things I found or that people sent pictures of this month in the beautiful celebration of Christmas.

Finding Joy in Christmas Celebrations

Yesterday was honestly the worst day I've had in a long time.  I had been doing so well for almost 3 weeks with very minimal emotional struggle, and then this last weekend, it all piled up on me, and yesterday it came out in continuous tears for literally hours straight.  I hurt so much, even more than normal, because it's Christmas, and I felt like I was ruining my daughter's life.  I felt like I was failing at making Christmas a magical, beautiful time for her.  Instead of making cookies, doing big things for the "Light the World" campaign, making ornaments, or going to fun events, I was laying in bed crying, still wondering how I would get the dishes and laundry done, let alone anything beyond that.

I couldn't stop thinking about all the wonderful Christmas traditions different families have and how my daughter must deserve someone better than me.  Surely, she needed some other mom who could fill her life with warm memories and sweet traditions, something that I simply can't give her much of right now.

But as I was wallowing in my own self-pity and allowing my mind to follow a destructive course of thoughts, I remembered that Christmas isn't really about cookies or ornaments or those other fun things.  It's about the Savior and His incredibly simple birth that changed the world forever.  So while there is nothing wrong with having big or fun traditions, there's also nothing wrong with making Christmas a simple time focused on the perfect baby born in the humblest of circumstances and the JOY that His birth brought to this world.

While I still wished that I could do more, I also felt joy reflecting on how this darkness can be overcome by the Savior and how it's the weight and the burden of mental illness that has allowed me to see the light of Christ shining brighter in my life, especially at this special time of year. 

And then I thought of an idea.  I wanted to look for the word "JOY" in the many decorations used to remember the reason for this season and focus on that joy that can come through Christ.

First, I saw the new nativity we bought this year.  I am so in love with it, and the simple message it displays so perfectly.

Then, my daughter and I saw two more joyful decorations on the way to our friend Betty's house and outside of her room.

After that, we went to the store and found joy all around!

When we got home, I saw the two beautiful gifts that people gave me last year to help me remember JOY, including the bag that I used as our church bag last Sunday.

By this time, I still had tears in my eyes from the difficult day I had experienced, and I still needed my husband to come home early and hold me while he repeated to me the truths that my broken brain had forgotten, but I also felt peace and JOY swelling in my heart.  It suddenly felt okay that I can't do everything I want to do this Christmas.  It felt okay that I have to simplify my celebrations, which is blessing me to have a more focused celebration.  It felt okay that my daughter doesn't have another mom, because she loves and needs me, despite what I can't do at this time.

And then this morning, I received a beautiful, thoughtful, kind gift that warmed my heart and brought a smile to my face.  Someone sent me this shirt that says "Joy to the World."  She didn't know what an awful day I had yesterday.  She didn't know that I was on a quest to literally find "joy" to get me through the sorrows that wanted to take over my heart.  It was perfect and filled my heart with joy to the very top!  There really is joy in the world and in my life because of Christmas.

***I'm still on my search for joy, so if you see any joyful decorations, make sure to send a picture my way!!! 

Good Days!

These last few days have been heavenly. I have felt so good, so much like myself again. I've thought several times, "I won't go back to where I was at. I won't let myself fall from this good place." But I know better than to believe that. It's not that I don't have hope or optimism or faith. It's that I know from experience that it's not healthy for me to think that I have somehow overcome this beast. The darkness will come again, and it's better for me to accept that rather than try to deny it. So instead of thinking that I've beat this once and for all, I'm simply savoring, thoroughly enjoying, and relentlessly giving thanks for every good day, hour, and moment while this lasts.

It's days like this when I am able to remember that good days always come after the darkness. It's worth holding on through the deepest pain. I'm doing better than I often think I am. I am loved and needed by my family. I can be a mom to another child in the future. All those lies (I'm not worthy, I'm worthless, I'm failing, I'm unlovable, I'm dumb) are indeed lies, and I can't let myself believe them when they scream at me for days or weeks at a time again.

I'm in such a good place right now, and I can see how much growth and progress has taken place in my life in the last year. This is a good thing, a very, very good thing! And it will continue to be a good thing, even when I am overcome with the burdens of mental illness again.

Finding Joy Through "Beating the Blues"

When I am depressed, I struggle doing anything.  Partly because I have no motivation or energy to be productive, and partly because there's no feeling behind anything I do.  I feel like I'm constantly wandering around with no purpose or direction on those down days.  I try to do something, but as soon as I start, I wish that I could be done and go back to bed.  I try to check a few things off of my to-do list, but that's all they are-- checks.  I don't feel happy during or accomplished after.  There's no feeling at all, except sadness of course. 

It feels like eating food and not being able to taste it, watching a movie of my life instead of experiencing it myself, or being alive but not actually living.  There's nothing satisfying about it, which eventually makes it seem pointless to even try. 

This is how I've felt the last few weeks since it has started getting cold outside, but especially this last week, because of some other circumstances.  When it started getting cold and I could feel myself slipping into a winter darkness, I decided that I needed to come up with some things that could help me "beat the blues."  My rules for these activities were that they had to be things that could bring me a feeling of accomplishment when I completed them, and they had to be things that I could find a way to enjoy, even when there's not much feeling to be felt in anything.

I got to work setting goals for myself, and this is what I came up with:

1. Make as many crocheted nativities as people order.  Seriously, doing this has helped me beat the blues so much, because it is relaxing, it feels good to get each piece done, it makes me push myself, and I get to see the joy it brings to other people when they receive them.  
2. Practice and learn more about photography.  Every time I take advantage of an opportunity to take pictures, it brings me joy.  I feel good seeing myself improve, and I enjoy having the chance to be creative in a way that isn't stressful for me.
3. Work up to swimming a mile.  I have grown to love swimming in the last while since I started going to the gym.  I started out being able to only swim a few laps before feeling completely exhausted, but I have seen myself grow stronger and push myself harder to do more.  I love the feeling of accomplishment when I get done swimming farther than I thought would ever be possible and finding the power within myself to overcome the heavy weight of depression.  It feels freeing, like I have finally found something that doesn't let the depression win over me.
4. Sew spring dresses.  I don't always love sewing, but I do love making little dresses.  Lately, I have enjoyed looking for discount fabric in the scrap bins at the store and using the cute fabrics I find to make lots of little girl dresses.  Something about making a piece of clothing and then seeing a little girl wear it fills me with joy!

I still have days where I struggle so much doing even these things, and I am learning by force how to be more flexible and patient with myself, but I am finding so much joy in doing what I can to overcome the beast that mental illness is.  I will make it through this winter, and I will beat the blues!!

That We Might Have Joy: Brad's Story

I'm Brad Jones.

I have tourettes, autism, obsessive compulsive disorder, non-verbal learning disorder, bipolar, and I am very shy.

I feel extremely awkward in almost all social settings, regardless of big group settings or small group settings. I function the best one-on-one, focused talking back and forth to just one person. I am used to being bullied directly, from a distance without even being spoken to, and behind my back in venues where I'm not present.

I'm that guy no girl is willing to date or marry, because my illnesses make 99% of LDS girls that know me or know of me consider me an embarrassment to be seen with, despite how I am high functioning and have have dramatically refined my social skills, despite still struggling in them. They see dating and marrying me as a lot of babysitting, where marrying me would be an eternal babysitting job.

I have found joy in this huge stack of problems by feeling more appreciative of the people who treat me right than if I were not having struggles.  Also, these constant struggles make me feel very inadequate, and in turn, keep me from becoming arrogant.