Overcoming

 Two months ago, I fell and broke.  I still don’t really know why.  That’s the part that scares me the most.  I don’t know how it all happened, so I can’t stop it from happening again.  But now, I’m slowly rising, healing, overcoming, and hoping that everything I’m doing to get back up will allow me to stay far away from where I was before.

Sometimes I stumble on a trigger that unexpectedly takes me back to the painful memories from before I went to the hospital.  But when I feel the panic increasing as I wonder if my heart will feel that pain again, I remember all the tools I’ve picked up in the last two months that make me more capable than I was before, and the anxiety eventually subsides.

--My family and I have grown so much together.  We have learned how to fight this with each other’s help and how to better work as a team.  Kyle Avery has done more than I can possibly write out to help me and our kids get through this time.

--I am seeing an amazing new counselor who specializes in trauma and who is helping me learn how to combat anxiety and triggers.  It’s such an empowering feeling to think that I can overcome anxiety, not be a slave to it.  It’s a long process, but I’m going to get there with her guidance.

--I have anxiety and sleep medications that are helping for now.  I hope to not need them forever, but they are there to help me get by, and I am thankful.

--While in the hospital, I learned about the crisis center.  It’s like a bridge between home and the hospital.  I’ve been able to use that resource twice now, and it has helped me have a reset without having to be admitted.  

--I am surrounded by close friends who have done so much to help me and my kids when Kyle is at work.  I feel great comfort knowing that they are always there and are willing to help if I need it.  I’m not afraid to reach out to them for help or tell how I am really doing.

--I’ve figured out some high calorie options to eat or drink when I am struggling with eating.  This makes such a huge difference when I am able to give my body enough energy so that I’m not adding to the problem by not eating enough.

--Most of all, I started working with a new hormone specialist who will hopefully be able to help this problem long-term.  I have hormone labs coming up on October 12th.  I’m excited and nervous to see what she thinks my body needs to thrive.  

I'm still winning, and I will keep winning using all of these wonderful resources available to me.  Someday, I hope to be able to look back and see just how far I have come.

Where Was God?

 My biggest question in the last 42 days since going to the hospital has been "where was God?" Where was God when a most excruciating and indescribable pain seized my heart and wouldn't let go? Where was God when I cried out for relief and hope, but it seemed those prayers went unheard and unanswered? Where was God when the pain became more than any human should have to bear and continued intensifying until it threatened to take me away from my husband and kids? Where was God when I was searching for any bit of peace and there was none to be found? 

I don't have the answer to these questions, and maybe I never will, but I have to wonder if I've seen glimpses of God in the last 42 days, even though they've been far different than what I imagined or wanted. I desperately wanted God to take away the pain, but instead I think I saw Him in the form of my husband who met me along the side of the road, grabbed my numb hands, and took me to the hospital and has continued to endure this hell with me everyday since. I think I saw Him in the kind nurses and therapists at the hospital who shared their love with me and helped me find glimmers of hope in those incredibly difficult days. I'm pretty sure I've seen Him in the friends who have watched my kids and spent time with me to help me through until things get better. I have felt something of His love through the love of my bishop who has given time to help me keep my faith burning and my young women who hold such a special place in my heart. I've seen Him working through my amazing counselor and the hormone specialist and the people at the crisis center who are helping me find my peace again.

I have to admit that I don't understand why God won't take away this pain and make it all better, but I think maybe He's been here all along.

Our Anniversary

When Kyle and I were married 8 years ago, our sealer recited this poem to us.  I don’t know how he could possibly have known how much we would need this reminder about storms of darkness and beautiful light, but I do know that this poem describes with exactness what it has been like being married to Kyle.  He has re-lit my lamp more times than either of us can count.  He has been here through every episode of intense darkness and has celebrated with me in the times of light.  A lot of things feel uncertain to me right now, but I do know without a doubt that he will always be mine and hold me in his arms, and that brings me comfort and peace.  

I met a stranger in the night,

Whose lamp had ceased to shine;

I paused and let him light

His lamp from mine.

A tempest sprang up later on,

And shook the world about,

And when the wind was gone,

My lamp was out.

But back came to me the stranger—

His lamp was glowing fine;

He held the precious flame

And lighted mine.

- Lon Woodrum

One Month Later

One month since going to the hospital, and what a month it has been.  I wish more than anything I could say that we stumbled on magic and everything is better, but that is far from the truth.  I have never worked so hard to try to get better, and have subsequently never felt so much pain.  I still can't talk about what happened leading up to the hospital.  It hurts too much, and my heart is not ready to feel the emotions that accompany those memories yet.  I'm sure that day will come eventually, but for now, I am trying to get back to a good, stable place using every resource available to me and still finding myself just trying to get through a lot of days.  Many days, I cry as the grief of not being able to have another baby washes over me.  It's so heartbreaking accepting that reality.  I never ever thought any of this would be my life, and I don't know how to be okay with it yet.  I also never thought I could survive such intense, persisting pain, but somehow that is happening.  If there is one thing I know when everything else is so confusing, it's that I love my family and that love has never been stronger.  They are why I can and want to go on.

Project Semicolon

 "A semicolon represents a sentence the author could have ended, but chose not to."

Our family makes the daily choice to continue together through whatever comes our way, no matter how hard or scary or heartbreaking.  We have each other, and that gives us the strength to keep going.

#Continue 

#Semicolon 

#WeCanDoHardThings 

#TogetherForever

What Makes Me Smile

 When life throws me down, the first battle is choosing to take some little step to get back up.  That first step is always the hardest, as the others seem to somehow follow once I can find the strength to begin trying to live again.  Often times, this new beginning comes in being intentional about looking for things that make me smile.  Here were some of mine for the week:

--Brooklyn and Garrett each saying the cutest little things, like Brooklyn telling me that she likes how preying mantis arms look like tacos and Garrett wrapping his blanket around his head and telling all of us that he is Santa now. 😍😂

--Making some crayon art with my kids and then having to google how to get melted wax out of... well... everything.  We had fun 🤷‍♀️🙈

--Kyle and I both realizing that the only reason we planted green beans in our garden was because we thought the other one wanted them.  Now we have lots of green beans and neither of us really want to eat them 😂

--Showing up to a church activity and matching shirts with the cutest little baby to snuggle. 😍

--Being in my young women class at church last Sunday and doing our usual going around and saying how our week was.  I was first.  I said, "My week was... greatttt" in a slightly sarcastic tone.  We all laughed and it was so nice to be able to feel safe in that space and to be able to find humor even in struggle.

--Looking at my two copies of "Christmas with the Kranks" sitting on the shelf that I bought at a garage sale recently and thinking about how much I am going to enjoy watching that movie on repeat this winter. 😜

--My new counselor telling me that she does EMDR, which is something I had searched Google for in the last couple of months, hoping that it could help me.  

--Working on a new piano song that is so peaceful and beautiful.  I will definitely play it as a musical number in church when I'm ready.

--Getting an awesome deal on a gift for Brooklyn's birthday, because why wouldn't a great deal make me smile?! 😆

--Crossing the parking lot in front of a car that waved me across to put away my shopping cart, only to realize when I was walking back that I was parked right next to one.  I looked awesome. 🤣

--My friend having an appointment with my same hormone specialist and switching me days so I can get in earlier.  

--Finishing the CUTEST little crocheted bear.  Something about creating brightens my world.

--Little moments of progress, like feeling my appetite coming back and seeing my weight return or conquering more moments of anxiety.  

I'm winning, friends.  Little by little, I'm winning, and it feels so good.

Overcoming Fears

Warning: long post.  I couldn't condense it anymore than this.

I originally thought this summer was going to be my summer to prove to myself how strong I am and how much I am still capable of doing.  I had big plans-- camp with Kyle's family, camp with Kyle at Glacier, fly to Indiana by myself with my kids for my brother's wedding, go to girl's camp with my young women from church, be alone with my kids while Kyle went on a business trip for a week, and prepare to go off medicine to have one more baby.

Everything was going so well.  We went camping with Kyle's family and had a great time.  Then, Kyle and I went to Glacier and had a great time there too.  But when we came home from Glacier, everything unexpectedly came crashing down.  I think I metabolized my medicine too quickly with how active we were, and that, paired with all of our upcoming plans that pushed me far out of my comfort zone and the heartbreaking death of one of my best friend's husband, left me debilitated by anxiety.

I cancelled my plane tickets to Indiana, but the anxiety continued.  I missed my friend's husband's funeral, tentatively cancelled going to girl's camp, and abandoned the idea of having another baby, but the anxiety only got worse.  I couldn't shut off my body's fight or flight response.  Eventually, it almost suffocated me, so Kyle took me to the hospital.

While in the hospital, I realized something so comforting.  No, I didn't do everything I thought I would, and I didn't "prove" everything I wanted to prove, but I still grew.

I faced great fears-- going to the hospital (which scared me so much), being away from Kyle (I couldn't have any visitors in the hospital and he is my constant, safe person), and wearing a mask in the hospital (which has been a HUGE source of anxiety for me for a long time).  I did all of that, proving to myself my strength and capability, as well as learning more about reaching out for help, knowing my limits, and adjusting accordingly.  Most of all, I stayed here through a pain that was far beyond anything I have ever before experienced.  I won another great battle in the war for my life with the help of so many good people, including my beautiful family.

While I'm heartbroken over all that happened and especially my clear inability to have another baby, I feel proud of myself for what I have overcome.  I'm no longer afraid to go to the hospital again if I need another "reset," although I obviously hope not to need it.  My husband and I have grown so much together in our knowledge about my mental struggles and in our love and support for each other.  I'm working hard to find my peace again, and I feel a confidence in my ability to conquer the "impossible."  I wanted SO badly for God to heal me and take away my pain, but instead, He gave me the tools and the people to help me fight and not give up.

Thank You!

Thank you again to everyone who has shown love and support to our family during such a challenging time. We feel incredibly blessed to know that we do not have to struggle through this life alone. Between an outpouring of meals, babysitting, anonymous packages, prayers, messages, and more hearts than we knew possible, we feel carried by your compassion. After going back to the hospital yesterday and getting a medicine to help me sleep, things are finally improving today. We hope this turning point will last and will lead us to better solutions for my health so we won't have to travel this difficult road again. Thank you to each of you for being part of my story! I wish I could thank you personally with a big hug.

Mission Possible

I'm home now.  I was greeted with this incredible view that left me completely speechless.  Thank you, friends.  My heart is filled with love.  I will tell a little more about some things later, but for now, I have a family that needs snuggling.  

#MissionPossibleWasASuccess

#ImSoBlessed 

#ThankYou 😭

Prayers

 Friends, please pray for me. I am at the hospital again. I need all the prayers and love I can get.