Enjoying the Good

I haven't written about myself in a couple of weeks, because honestly things have been going really well, and that always creates a writer's block for me.  Nothing to write about is a very good thing.  I've had a few rough times (one evening of crying to my husband about my feelings of being a failure as a mom, another evening crying to him about a difficult counseling appointment, and a few nights of literally no sleep from mania), but these times have passed quickly before my heart has been filled with peace, hope, and sleep again.

Normally, I feel pretty hesitant about doing too much when I feel well, because I know it won't last forever, and trying to add certain things back into my life when I feel well will only result in more frustration when I don't feel well anymore.  I think it will take a very long time to completely heal from this, even when things are significantly better all the time, because my heart still has the open wounds and scars from these last 11 months.  I'm sure it will come in time, but sometimes I wonder if there will always be a slight feeling of hesitation, not knowing if I will slip back into darkness again later.

Since it has been a couple of good weeks now, I have been able to do some things that are normally too overwhelming to even think about.  I deep cleaned our bathroom!!  It had been a while, so I finally took a good day to do that difficult task, and it felt so good to be able to do it without any difficulty.  I also wrote a little bit more of the story of my childhood.  I used to work on this every Sunday, but it got to be way too difficult when all of this mental illness struggle started, so it felt good to work on it a little more.  I didn't struggle at church at all yesterday, I have been able to feel so much love for my little family, and I honestly feel like myself in every way right now.

This time around of feeling well, I have been trying to focus on not thinking that I have overcome this forever, and instead focus on simply enjoying these beautiful, happy days that have become precious and very appreciated gifts.

Feeling this happiness and light has been a good reminder for me of who I really am underneath the emotional struggle and what feeling good feels like.  It reminds me that I want to do what it takes to get back to feeling like this when things are hard again.  It is worth fighting for!