First I want to say that if you are reading this and are struggling with whatever life has thrown at you, I hope you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone, and that there is always joy to be found. You are doing great. Keep pushing forward.
A little bit of background information: Since the middle of high school, I have dealt with anxiety and depression. These things have been something that have lingered and followed me throughout my journey in life even to this day. The feelings that one experiences during depression and anxiety can be overwhelming, unbearable even. Pain and sorrow drape over the mind, leaving the person feeling hopeless, confused and scared. It has not been easy dealing with depression and anxiety. However, with the help of loved ones and modern medicine, I have been able to make it through these struggles and find joy.
Recently though, life decided to throw a new curve ball my way. Just this last April my husband and our daughter (who is now 16 months, so hard to believe!) moved from Seattle, Washington to Boise, Idaho. My husband had gotten a new job downtown, and we found a beautiful house to rent in the area. Even though I loved Seattle, I was looking forward to exploring Boise and being closer to my family who live just a few hours away. That first month in Boise was great. I was exercising and eating well, had tons of energy, and took my daughter to all sorts of parks. We got to visit with family who came to stay with us for a while as well. Overall, things were great. I felt happy.
Then over the course of a couple weeks, things went downhill emotionally for me. I started feeling irritated and angry all the time. I had a hard time being patient with my daughter who was going through the tough phase of teething and growth spurts, along with short naps and little sleep at night. I lost my energy and motivation to exercise. I would snap at my husband at the silliest things. It was like I could not feel joy anymore, and I had no idea why this was happening to me. I became depressed, and started to experience something that I had not experienced before-- apathy. Nothing interested me anymore. My desire to do anything was gone. Everything I used to enjoy seemed pointless. It took enormous effort just to go outside to check the mail. All I wanted to do was sit on the couch. I couldn't feel happy even if I wanted to. Now to clarify, I have felt like this in the past with depression, but this time was different. This was a 24/7 deal. All the time. I couldn't snap out of it.
After a couple months of this, I was finally convinced to see a counselor about my struggles. He suggested switching my medications to see if that would help. And thank goodness, it did help, at least partially. All those feelings of frustration and anger were gone. I was able to get my feelings under control in that sense. My patience returned again. I had my depression under control once more.
However, my feelings of happiness and motivation did not fully return, and that is what I am dealing with today. Indeed, there are times where I can feel happy now, but those times are not as frequent it seems. It still takes great effort to do anything, like doing a load of dishes or going for a walk with my baby. Some days it's all I can do to make sure my daughter is fed and dressed. I find it difficult to find things to do that I enjoy, because nothing seems interesting anymore. I would much rather lay down in bed and do nothing. I don't necessarily feel depressed during these times, just numb. Like I am floating in a void between happy and sad where there is nothing. What's really difficult about all of this is that I WANT to be happy. I WANT to enjoy things. I WANT to have the energy to accomplish the things that I want to in life. And though there are days where I can feel positive and happy, the majority of the time it feels out of reach.
Wow. So where is the joy in all this? How can I find joy when I have a hard time feeling anything at all? Thankfully there are some things that do bring me joy now, and I am ever so thankful for these things.
One of those things is photography. I currently have my bachelors degree in photography, and taking photos is something that I have a strong passion for. I love to go out and photograph my beautiful daughter, and find new places to go photograph. I love photographing others, and seeing how happy they are when they receive their photos. Seeing others happy makes me happy.
I also feel much joy when my husband plays the piano. It is such a random thing to me honestly, but I am so glad that I am able to feel those positive emotions when he does play.
Last, prayer brings me joy. There are times where all I want to do is feel something, so I kneel down and I pray to God to help me feel peace. And you know what? He answers me, even if it is just for a brief moment. Sometimes its not right away, but eventually, I can feel peace and His love for me. That right there is proof to me that He is there and that there is a reason to keep journeying through this life with faith that everything will work out.
We each have our own trials. We each have our own tale to tell. I could go on forever about my own struggles. But there is always one thing in common. One thing that got me through those clouds of darkness-- I found joy. And that joy is what I hold onto until the next storm, where I hope to find joy to guide me through once again.
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