Walk In Faith

April 3, 2017

These last few weeks, I've had this burning feeling in my heart that we need to have another baby soon, and I have been terrified and completely paralyzed by fear.

What if the one medication I can take with pregnancy doesn't work?
How will the hormones of pregnancy affect my already chemically-imbalanced brain and body?
What if I struggle to bond with this precious child because of my lack of good emotions?
How will I be able to take care of a dependent newborn when every day is such an emotional struggle?

I prayed over and over and over again for God to give me a sure answer that I could do this, but I only had the thought come to my mind over and over and over again that I needed to move forward with faith.  But the fear, the panic, and the overwhelming feelings surrounding this decision completely overtook me as I thought about moving forward.

I knew General Conference was coming up and that it could be a source of peace and calm for my very troubled heart, so I prayed again, this time asking that somehow something someone said would touch my heart and give me reassurance.  I felt some peace knowing that God would answer my prayer, and I anxiously waited for Conference.

Saturday morning came, and my heart was in a deep depression.  Although I was not crying on the outside most of the day, my entire inside was weeping, something I never would have understood unless I felt it myself every time the depression phase comes.  The talks were good, but none of them touched my heart in particular.  Then the Saturday afternoon session came and still nothing specific stood out to me.  I didn't lose hope though.  I knew my answer, my peace, was coming.

That evening, I went to a friend's house during the Priesthood Session.  On the way there, the sadness engulfed me, and I spent the next hour driving around crying.  I felt like I was grieving-- grieving the loss of my old self that loved the thought of having a baby, grieving the fact that my happiness is so fleeting now, and grieving over accepting that things might not return to normal as soon as I thought before (the lithium has not been working anymore).  I prayed again and told God everything about my heartbreaking, upset, and disappointed feelings.  I was all alone, so I talked out loud.  And I said it; I finally said it.  "This doesn't feel fair.  And it hurts.  It hurts in a way that I will never be able to explain.  Sometimes I feel so alone and scared.  It's the hardest thing I've ever had to endure, and I wish it could all go away.  But... I know it has a purpose.  Nothing about life is meant to be fair or easy or happy all the time.  So I will move forward.  I'll trust.  I just need help with every step of this journey.  I can do it if I just have help."

I drove to my friend's house, still feeling uneasy and very emotional, but I felt some healing in saying what I truthfully felt.

The next morning, I listened to Conference again while crocheting.  I was listening, but I wasn't taking notes, so it seemed like some of the talks were going in one ear and out the other.  I wasn't worried, because I knew I could go back and study them again, but then, out of nowhere, one sentence pierced my heart with unmistakable power.  It was exactly what I needed God to tell me:

Immediately I knew this was the answer to my prayers, a gift from God for my stormy mind.

I don't have all of the answers.  I don't know how.  And I don't have the reassurance that everything will be easy just because I am willing to do what God asks.  But I don't have to.  God has made a PROMISE that He will direct my path as I trust in Him, so I just have to move forward in faith (like I kept thinking before but I'm a little slow with these things) and take that first step, and then God WILL provide.

It would be so much easier to know all of the details, and I still wish that I could have a clear vision of the future, but I am learning to have faith, more faith than I've ever been required to have, and I am trying my hardest to trust in God's power to bless me as I strive to raise a righteous family.



April 6, 2017

These last few weeks have been extremely difficult.  I had been doing so well for a couple of weeks, and then it seemed that the medicine stopped working completely, and I was back at the beginning.  The last phase of depression was very difficult and felt like it would never lift.  This was at the time that I was feeling we needed to have another baby soon, so I really could not comprehend it, and I cried about it multiple times every day, even after my spiritual moment of recognizing that God would help me as I exercised the faith to walk.  This morning, I switched to mania, and it has been a welcomed relief this time.  This evening, I was looking through videos of Brooklyn as a baby, and I felt (I actually FELT) good, happy, loving emotions.  My heart was almost overflowing with good feelings.  And then I felt in my heart that everything will be okay.  It's like God needed me to be willing to move forward in faith, and once I decided I would move in that direction, He blessed me with a short, but beautiful, moment of peace and happiness, and I will cherish that precious moment forever!



April 10, 2017

This morning, I had my doctor's appointment to switch to the medication I can take while pregnant.  Up until this morning, I felt like I kept going up and down about really moving forward with this, and I had been so afraid still.  But this morning, I felt peace and calm.  I felt sure and completely resolved to walk in faith.  Kyle got to go to my doctor's appointment with me.  I really appreciated feeling his support and love through his effort to come to my appointment, even though it was at an inconvenient time with work.  At the beginning of the appointment, the doctor was asking how the medication was working and trying to figure out what to do next.  I couldn't find a time to stop the flow of our conversation and tell her that I wanted to switch to latuda.  But finally, the opportune time came, and she readily agreed that we should switch.  In fact, she said she was hopeful that this medication could really help me, much more hopeful than she was with the lithium and zoloft that I was prescribed at the hospital.  So we switched, and my peace continued.  I honestly have no fear anymore, and I know without a doubt that everything will work out somehow.



July 5, 2017

I've had very good moments these last two months that have reassured me that it's still the right thing to move forward with having a baby, and then I've had moments of great confusion and uneasiness.

The Sunday when I left church and drove around aimlessly while crying and wishing I could die was a moment of great confusion.  How can I be a mom with something so awful plaguing my mind and my life???  Why would God want me to be a mom to another precious child when I am already constantly afraid that I'm failing at being a good mom to my beautiful daughter?  But I moved forward.  I kept going.  I didn't give up.  I didn't let the fear overtake me.

Now we've tried a few times to get pregnant, and it still hasn't worked out.  Every month, I have to prepare myself, remind myself that this is what God wants, and move forward in faith again.  But now I'm even more confused.  Why, if this is what God wants and I am trying to be obedient in something that scares me more than anything, why isn't it working out right away?  I know I shouldn't think like that, but I do.  What I'm doing is hard and scary and requires so much faith, and it's not working.  It's only getting harder and requiring even more faith.

I know it will work sometime, but right now, I feel so discouraged.  I'm trying.  I'm even succeeding at getting myself excited to have another one.  And then my excitement is dashed and turns into very dark depression, when my broken mind has to think about another month of having faith that I can do this hard thing, another month of reassuring myself that God won't give me more than I can handle with His help, that He will be there to help me, that I can still ask for help from others even though I am making the choice to bring another child into this world, and that my child really does need me, not someone else.

In some ways, I just want to be pregnant so that I'm committed and so I can focus my energy on bonding and loving and getting excited to have another one.  But God must have another plan, a better plan.  So I patiently wait and trust and hope that my brokenness can handle the disappointment and continual fear it is facing right now.



August 1, 2017

Still no baby, so we're going to get in to a specialist soon to see what we can do about moving this process along.  I mostly feel peace.  Every time I am in mania, I feel very excited about having a baby and feel completely confident that I can handle it.  When I switch to depression, I feel very scared and unsure about how I will be able to do this.  But every time I feel overwhelmed and doubtful, this scripture comes to my mind:

With the remembrance of this scripture comes a flood of memories and feelings about how God has confirmed to my mind before that it is right to have a baby by giving me peace, and I simply need to continue moving forward in faith.  My daughter is an unmistakable gift from God sent to bring me joy and comfort and peace through my trials, so I can only imagine what amazing gift God has in store with this next baby.



August 22, 2017

Last week, it seemed as if I had started back at the beginning.  I suddenly didn't want to have a baby because of fear, and I begged God to show me how it will all work out and how I will handle it.  Saturday evening, we went to the adult session of stake conference.  Our stake president gave a wonderful talk about being "Go and Do" people and doing without having to see the details of how things will work out.  I once again felt peace in my mind and heart that God will help me, but I need to have the kind of faith to move forward without seeing the ending yet.  I need to have the kind of faith that can trust in God's promises to me, enough to do something scary and unsure, knowing that I won't be alone through this struggle.



September 11, 2017

Today was my appointment with the infertility doctor.  It has been almost 2 years that we have been trying (on and off) to have a baby.  These last couple of weeks have been glorious for me as I have had very little depression or mania.  As a result of this, I have felt very excited about having a baby.  In fact, I have felt the strong desire to hold other people's babies again, and the fear that once seemed overpowering is gone.  I feel like this is the greatest blessing God could be giving me at this time.  I don't know how long this journey will last or when another one of God's precious children will be welcomed into our family, but I do know this-- God is sustaining me, blessing me, and giving me everything I need to succeed in doing His will.  He has blessed me with a wonderfully supportive husband who is already an amazing father and is willing to help me through every struggle I face.  He has blessed me with a loving daughter who makes being a mother a joyful experience, even when it is difficult because of my struggles.  He has blessed me with friends who are willing to talk and listen and help me whenever I need it.  He has blessed me with the patience to wait until His blessings will be fulfilled, the ability to see His hand working in my life, and the perspective to know that this path I am on is a path of JOY!