Shantelle asked me for this story a while ago, and I’m not sure it’s all that inspiring or even, you know… finished. But, I’ve always felt that hard things in life are worth it if you can help someone else on their journey, which is why I’ve decided maybe this would help make my experiences worth it. It’s not all that grand or horrible, just life.
I grew up in a military family, typical dad away and atypical sick mother. Most of my early memories of my sweet mother were just of her in bed. She had depressive bipolar disorder among several other health issues. It was normal to me that my mom would have meltdowns and also made me sad that when I wanted to play she was mostly lethargic. Going to high school, I feel I had depressive and OCD tendencies, but probably not an actual disorder. I always had a hard time communicating. Going to college was amazing and also incredibly difficult socially.
My first semester, I truly felt happy most of the time, and it was best time of my life despite having basically no friends (at first) and little contact with my family. I had roommates who were also right out of high school, and while they didn’t mean to, they were highly degrading in their language and treatment of me. I don’t harbor any hard feelings anymore. However, it was because of these poor circumstances in my apartment that I journeyed outward to “find joy” and met the adorable boy I would marry. He was the greatest blessing in my life at that time, aside from my faith. He and I parted ways after that semester, when he left to serve a full-time church mission in Mexico with no promises other than to write. We hadn’t even been dating.
Luckily for me, my next roommates were what I would describe as some of the best people to live with as a single student. I continued on-- happy, optimistic and full of vigor for learning and my faith. My roommates this time around needed to be patient with me as my odd tendencies and communication issues arose. They were amazing and sweet.
The end of this semester began what I would call the first truly negative turning point in my life. I knew, by this point, that I had someone I wanted to marry, and while some might say that’s crazy since I was 18, I had never met anyone so amazing and inspiring, someone who truly helped me see false things I believed without being rude or condescending, just by being him. So, with that in mind, I had a few other suitors lining up that I “friend-zoned” as soon as I could. Not that they weren’t cool people, but many I had known before and they just didn’t compare in my mind. One boy in particular, I had to refuse many times. When I first started being friends with him, I didn’t have any particular motives in mind other than being friends and having fun.
The first sign I should have stopped seeing him was when my brother and roommate were in the room. Somehow the boy and I had started a tickle fight and the boy had tickled me off the couch and was on top of me on the ground. I suddenly felt very vulnerable and violated as I struggled to get him off me and said, “Stop” a few times. I looked at my brother. He had a stone face and seemed rigid. I said, “Help please!” Finally, I screamed for him to get off me, pushing against him. He stopped and got up. He apologized and thought I said I liked being tickled. I had said that. That is a phrase I have never spoken since. Dramatic, but true. Haha. My brother and roommate excused themselves shortly thereafter. Apparently my brother had wanted to punch this boy and was doing everything not to start a fight. He felt awful for wanting to do it. Honestly, I wish he had punched him. The boy really wanted to date me. I told him no and explained that I liked someone else. He kept pressing and pressuring me, saying he was sure I’d come to like him better. I prayed and prayed about it, because I didn’t want to lose him as a friend. I really wanted to be of help to him, because he also had a poor situation growing up, and I knew he was a good kid that needed a friend.
I prayed and got a clear "no" many times, and finally the boy started getting manipulative and I felt the Spirit say, “You can, but be careful and get out when I tell you.” So I started to date the young man. The relationship might have been okay, if it weren’t for the constant manipulation. I did feel the Spirit several times telling me to just cut off contact. I even had a few people express the same message. I was slowly becoming a different person. I truly had become someone with a tendency toward depression to someone with full-blown depression, unable to function. I learned that most people think your relationship is good if you look good together. I had people who were close to me encouraging me to stay in the relationship despite the things I was telling them were happening. I don’t blame those people, but it did make it that much harder to leave the situation and follow the Spirit when only a few people agreed with the idea. In the end, the boy got better and ready for marriage, while I sunk deeper into depression and despair. He was the one to call it off in the end, because I had no strength left. My roommates at the time (different ones) were concerned for me, and I feel bad for them now. I had days where I was in bed all day just crying and sometimes screaming, while they counseled together on what to do for me.
A few semesters passed, some with more excitement than others, but none were worse than that summer and early fall. I went to counseling once, but ultimately thought I was just ridiculous and tried to get better on my own. I did feel cut off from God many times, but mostly I was being healed by His power. Very slowly, I began to heal from the wounds of the relationship, but not necessarily from the depression, anxiety, and even anger.
When David returned from Mexico, he knew a little about what had happened. I was ashamed about it, and I wished very desperately nothing had happened. While it still had an effect on me, David’s quiet influence began to overpower it. When we started dating, bless his amazing heart, I went back into my shell. I came to associate horrible things and feelings with dating. David, miraculously, did not take advantage of or abuse or manipulate me, even though I basically made much of our relationship into an easy way for him to do so. David was so angelic about it. I was able to finally have a real relationship with God again and use the Atonement more freely. David is my angel. I wasn’t totally better or even diagnosed with depression at this point, but we dated for about a year before we got married. There were other options I know that could have been better if I had more faith and trust at that point, but I was scared that waiting to get married would mean David would not like me anymore or that I would get into a dark place again and make the mistake of breaking up with him. Ultimately though, getting married was the right thing to do, even if it was harder than it probably would have been had we waited. Our first year of marriage was still a continuation of our courtship, but my healing and progress advanced much quicker, not without more aches and growing pain though. The year of dating before had been harder, on me at least, so being married was incredible.
Very shortly after our honeymoon, I expressed a desire to start trying to have children. We talked a lot about it and went for it. Good thing God knows what he’s doing. A year later, nothing had happened, except learning my period was totally wacko. I had no insurance during that year, so I couldn’t go into the doctor. During this time though, David and I learned how to become closer in adversity and how to continue to work on our relationship and truly become a family in God. I was incredibly sad about the baby situation, but so hopeful. I started talking to Mikko (my future baby), especially when I could feel him nearby, and praying more sincerely. I learned how to magnify my calling in primary, study scriptures consistently, have family home evening, and do other things to truly make me more fit to be the mother I always wanted to be.
Finally, over a year after the first negative pregnancy test, I had insurance! I started treatment and my hope burned brighter. The first few doses of medication I took made me realize what it felt like to be a normal human. I was amazed at how plagued I was with hormone imbalance. I wanted to feel like this all the time! The dose was too small for me. I went back to being hormonal when my dosage increased, although I did not feel it was as bad as it had been. I had to be grateful for this opportunity to become a mom. I wanted nothing more out of life than to be a homemaker disciple since I was three years old.
Near the end of the second year, I was noticing everyone around me getting pregnant and having children. I started to despair again. My thoughts became clouded with feelings I didn’t like. “She didn’t want a baby, so why her?” “All they do is complain about their children, why them instead of me?” Or the worst: “They got married ___ months after we started trying, and now they’re pregnant.” I stopped getting on Facebook. It was torture to see it online over and over again. However, I lived in a place where people are getting married every week, then start having children so seemingly easily. I couldn’t escape it, even outside social media.
I was very blessed at this point in my life to learn how to more fully rely on God and have faith in His plan. We finally told our family about the fertility issue, and I started speaking more and more about it. Because of this, I learned about others' stories to support me. I still had to work on some envious feelings, but it seemed as though the strength of the poison inside was being diluted and flushed out. I found work to do and people to love and finally a therapist to see. I was exercising and eating better and that seemed to help with the depression. We did have one miscarriage two years after trying, and my doctor was incredible to call me about it on Sunday and encourage me. There was only one problem. He recommended we stop trying for 3 months.
By the end of three months, we felt I should take a position down in Utah, even though David still had school left. I felt such peace about it, even though I knew it meant delaying even more. That job really helped me learn and grow so much. I grew closer to my husband’s family, and for the first time, I actually wondered if I wanted kids at this point.
But by the time David and I were back together again, I felt the desire return. I had been continuing treatment with a different doctor in Utah, and it seemed a little like things were once again going to take a long time.
Then I got really sick. I had bilateral pneumonia and should have been hospitalized, but was not (of my own choosing). I really wanted to get back to work, but of course, it got worse again, and after a month, I was starting to speak with my boss about leaving because of how much time this was taking off. I was also sad I had to once again put baby on hold.
After one night of being unable to breathe, David came out to find me in the living room at 2 AM. We had to go to the emergency room. The line ended up being really short! In fact, I was the only one, so that was a plus of the night. The doctor came and asked the routine questions, including, “Is there a chance you could be pregnant?” For the first time in 3 years, I told the doctor there was no way I could be pregnant, so we did an x-ray, took blood, gave me meds, and the ER doc came back and said, "Well, you actually are pregnant."
David and I stared at this guy blankly and listened while he told us about the pregnancy test and how they would test to see how long I had been pregnant. After he walked out, David and I just laughed. How did that happen? It was truly a miracle from Heaven. Luckily I had hardly gotten pregnant, so nothing we did would affect the baby. Now I am in my third trimester with a boy due in December. I did have to quit my job for various reasons. I had to make sacrifices. This wasn’t perfect or what I had at all envisioned, but by this time, my heart was so softened and full that nothing really mattered aside from getting my life long wish.
I don’t doubt I will still have struggles, and that many days I will feel like I’m not being the mom I want to be. But I know who is looking out for me and my little family, so I will not despair.
God knows you, He knows your struggles, He knows what you most desperately desire, and He will give you what you most need. For anyone else struggling in this arena, I can't say your prayers will be answered exactly like mine, but I can promise that God is preparing something marvelous for his broken-hearted children.
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