This morning, I wondered why I have felt so angry, why I can hardly handle anything without reacting in anger, and why I have been feeling so upset with normal situations.
Then, I remembered something. Sitting in counseling on Wednesday, after confirming that this is most likely bipolar disorder and not a hormone imbalance, the counselor said, "You will probably feel angry. It's okay. Expect it. You thought there was a light at the end of your dark tunnel, and now there's not. You thought things would be improving so quickly and easily, and now they won't. Let yourself feel angry for a little while, let the anger run its course, and then pick yourself back up and move forward."
After remembering these wise words, I decided that today I can feel it all without restraint. I won't try to feel anything different than what I naturally feel at this time, and then tomorrow I will get back up and move forward. I'll take a deep breath, find reasons to smile again, and resolve to be brave, thankful, and joyful once more.
So what do I feel today while I am allowing myself to feel it all?
- I feel sad. I really want to be happy again. I want to feel the excitement of having a baby whenever that happens. I want to feel the normal emotions that I used to feel that almost all seem to be masked by sadness and pain now. I want to have everything that I thought I would have again, everything that feels like it was ripped away from me as quickly as I thought it would be coming back.
- I feel frustration. I had so much hope that this would be better in the near future, and that soon, no one would remember this year of darkness. I felt so much excitement that I could someday put all of this behind me and move on-- refined, changed, made better, and ready to use these experiences to reach out to others.
- I feel angry at myself that everything I say or do right now feels so dumb. I feel like if I was better, then I wouldn't feel this way, because I would be the real me again.
- I feel discouraged. This is going to take a long, long time to improve. It already feels like it has been so long, and now there is no end in sight, since I can't start on any medications while trying to have a baby.
- I feel wounded, and I feel like I need so much love right now. Thank goodness I have such a good husband, daughter, and friends who are making sure I feel the love I need at this time.
I don't have any advice. I've been dealing with the beast since I was a kid, so I don't know what it's like to have life ripped away from me. I was so relieved when I was correctly diagnosed because I finally had answers as to why I felt so terrible sometimes, why I couldn't control my emotions, etc. I can only imagine how hard it would be to have this suddenly come upon you and lose a normal life! While I can't understand it all, I still know what it's like to feel angry about the situation. I've felt angry about my diagnosis many times, not because I lost anything that I remember, but because I don't remember, because I don't know. It's hard.
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