Finding Joy in Hopeless Darkness

This week has been quite possibly the most difficult week I've ever experienced.  This morning, I felt the gentle nudge to think back on my week and find joy in it, since joy was the farthest thing from my mind in the middle of my raging storm.  I couldn't help but cry as I recognized the tender mercies and blessings from a week of pervasive darkness. 

• A couple of friends planned fun Halloween play dates.  I was so thankful because this 1) gave me something to do with people outside of my house and 2) I just can't do all of it right now-- the planning, preparing, inviting, etc.  I can't even do fun things with just Brooklyn, let alone other people if I'm in charge.  I am surviving, trying to stay afloat, and feeling like I'm drowning most days.  So I'm thankful for friends who plan fun things to allow Brooklyn to enjoy the holidays while I am not doing well and can't do everything I would normally want to do with her.
• I got to meet up with my fifth grade teacher and spend an evening with her.  It was the perfect timing, since that day had been indescribably difficult.  She brightened my day and my week.  
• I still made it to the gym every day.  This is basically a miracle, because I felt like I could hardly do anything or even get and stay out of bed.  But I worked out anyway, even with my 100 extra pounds of depression weighing on my body.
• I started listening to Christmas music.  This is a little bit early, even for me, but I needed something to bring flickers of light and joy into my day, so I did it anyway.  One day, I was really struggling.  As I listened, I started crying thinking about the Savior and everything He experienced, and how the little baby we celebrate at Christmas would eventually grow up to become the only person who truly understands the depth of darkness and pain I know all too well now.  I'm so thankful Christmas is coming and that this darkness has brought me to feel even more appreciation and love for the Light of the World.
• Tomorrow I get to go to the Nauvoo temple with some women at my church.  Originally, I wasn't going to get to do this, because I had some family photos to take, but it will be stormy, so the pictures are rescheduled, and I can go now.  This morning, a sweet friend sent me an article about the joy that we can find in going to the temple.  It really touched my heart and gave me the strength to know that my experiences tomorrow will bring me the joy I need to keep going, keep fighting, and keep overcoming this terrible monster.
• Ok, it's time to be honest and get to the deeper stuff.  I don't want to share this, and I don't want to be honest with how much I have struggled, but I do want to share the miracles and blessings that accompanied such struggle, so I will write.  Please know that things are getting better now, and I'm no longer in the dark place I was the first 4 days of this week.  Oh where do I start explaining?!  Well, for the first time since June, I wanted to die.  I really wanted everything to be done.  I thought about it constantly, and I even dreamed about it.  I got so frustrated in my dreams that what I was trying to do wasn't working; somehow I kept surviving.  I thought about possible ways to die and considered what would be the most effective and involve the least amount of pain for me.  I thought about it obsessively and couldn't get it out of my mind.  I didn't tell anyone and didn't want to tell anyone, because then they might try to make me change my mind, and everyone was too busy for me anyway (not true, but it's what I thought at the time).  I spent hours every day laying in bed, not sleeping, but paralyzed with the heavy weight of depression.  I cried for hours and continued thinking the terrible thoughts I had been thinking.  And with this awful dose of my reality this week, I want to share the good side, the life-saving blessings I received when there seemed to be very little hope:

1. A friend sent me a video she had seen on facebook.  The timing could not have been better as it came at a critical time.  The video was about a man who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and survived.  One phrase in the video really touched me.  After he jumped, he said he felt "instant regret."  That phrase brought me back to real life for a minute.  It really struck me that if I did something permanent, I would instantly regret it, but it would be too late.  I couldn't let myself have that kind of regret or guilt.  I had to hold on to anything possible to weather this storm.  I couldn't give in or give up!  I just couldn't.
2. Heavenly Father blessed me to think through things more logically than ever before as my mind was spiraling down into complete darkness.  He helped me think of reasons why I shouldn't do every single idea I had, which I believe saved me.  
3. Heavenly Father also brought to remembrance times when I had wanted to die before and then later had felt so much relief and gratitude that I held on when things got better.  It gave me the hope to know that time would come again, and my heart would eventually be okay.
4. Last night, I was driving home, and for the first time all week, I remembered that it is wrong to take my own life.  This was the first time I had remembered that all week.  As scary as it is to think of now, it had seemed like it was alright, like it wouldn't have mattered at all.  Having the Spirit remind me of that simple truth allowed me to feel more grounded, more safe, and more certain that I would keep holding on.  I wouldn't let the darkness win.
5. Today I had lunch with Kyle, because we didn't have time to make him a lunch before he had to leave for work.  It was perfect, because I had eaten hardly anything in 2 days, but I still didn't know if I would have the strength to make anything for myself (I can always do it for Brooklyn, just not for myself).  I know the lack of calories contributes to my depression, but I don't know how to manage eating when I feel so awful.  It's something I constantly battle when I am depressed.
6. Brooklyn was so flexible with me needing to spend hours in bed each day while she watched movies, played, or read books.  She is an angel!  She also napped longer on all of the worst days, which allowed me to lay down without feeling so much guilt about not being able to do more.
7. Three friends in particular listened to me tell them about my difficulties when things started to get better, and they filled me with all the love and support I need.  They also helped me to make a better plan for what to do next time this depth of darkness occurs.  I am so blessed with people who truly "mourn with those who mourn" and "comfort those who stand in need of comfort."  

I firmly know that God is aware of me and placed certain people in my life for a very specific reason.  I have witnessed that this week when all hope seemed lost.  Now I know that all hope is never lost.