I'm Back!

Yes, you read that right.  I'm back.  My nightmare of this last week and a half is over (at least it feels like that right now and I'm hoping it stays).  I can hardly believe it was so terrible, but it's done now, and I'm so ready to move on.  Several people have asked what happened to make everything so difficult, so I thought I'd write a little bit about that and the caution I learned I need to take.  So this is kind of redundant with things I've already written, but this is the shortened story of what happened. 

First, the counselor I was seeing thought I had a hormone imbalance that was causing my mood cycling, and if so, that would have been a very easy problem to fix.  After several weeks of her very strongly believing this was the case, she realized that it wasn't.  That was hard, because as much as I had tried not to get too excited or hopeful, I had.  I wanted all of this to be done and realizing it might be a lifelong battle after all was very hard to swallow.  But I kept moving forward.  Things had been getting better the weeks before that, especially since I had started exercising regularly, so I knew I'd just have to keep fighting and eventually conquer this beast.  At the same time, I was going to see our infertility specialist, and we were moving forward with our plan to get pregnant.  He wanted me to take clomid to increase my fertility and to help with an anatomic anomaly I have, so I did, even though I ovulate regularly on my own.  When I went to pick it up at the pharmacist, he told me a few of the common side effects-- headache, cramps, and mood swings.  I didn't think much of it at the time.  So what are a few extra mood swings?  I mean, it couldn't be any worse than normal, right?

I took the medication for 5 days as directed and then stopped taking it to prepare for the next step in our plan.  And that's when everything fell apart.  Just a couple of days after taking it, I started to feel AWFUL!  Like the most awful I've ever felt in my life.  It wasn't just the normal darkness I experience on a regular basis.  It was a very intense heaviness that weighed on my whole body and made it feel almost impossible to function at all.  I would get out of bed for a minute to do something and then go straight back to bed.  I didn't eat more than a few crackers or carrots for several days.  I cried for hours every day and didn't know how to cope with something so difficult, especially since I didn't know what was going on.  But perhaps the most difficult part of this time was the incessant, unremitting thought that I should die.  And it wasn't like the nagging thought that sometimes accompanies my depression that I've learned how to handle.  It was so strong, so pressing, and so serious. 

After a whole week of this kind of darkness, I finally told two friends and my husband about how I was feeling.  As I was talking to them, I remembered what the pharmacist had said.  Mood swings.  This was to be expected.  First, I felt a little hopeful that this had a cause and therefore would have an end.  Then, I felt a little bit angry that I had taken a medication that caused more pain than I ever knew was possible to experience, and it could have been avoided.  And finally, I felt like I needed help.  I had barely made it through a week of this, and it was getting worse, so there was no way that I could continue doing this on my own. 

I talked to my good friend and church leader about how I was feeling, and she kindly and forcefully told me what I needed to do to make sure that I would be okay until this got better.  She helped me set up people to be with for the whole week and warmly wrapped me in her arms to let me know that I was loved and would get through this! 

The next few days, I went to people's houses all day long until Kyle got home.  I was exhausted.  I was fighting for my life, and I was away from the comfort of my bed to lay down and rest all day.  I knew it was what I needed, but it was hard.  I appreciated the people willing to help and felt completely surrounded by love and kindness and support. 

The constant pain I felt seemed like too much to bear.  It physically hurt in my chest, and I would sometimes have to close my eyes just to remember to keep breathing and hold on.  I kept reminding myself that it would pass, even though it felt like one more minute of this kind of pain was impossible to handle. 

Yesterday, after laying in my bed crying for hours on end and feeling the greatest intensity I had felt yet, the darkness suddenly lifted.  I took a deep breath and felt relief.  It was gone-- all the heaviness, all the pain, all the struggle.  I wanted to get up, I wanted to live, and I wanted to try to be okay again.  I had made it through what would hopefully be the hardest battle I'll ever have to fight.  I did it, of course with the help of some amazing people who I have been so blessed to know. 

I still can't believe taking a medication could cause so much heartache and pain, but I have learned the hard way that I need to check the possible side effects on any medication every time and stick up for myself when it seems that something might not be a good match for what I am already facing.  It's my job to be proactive and to make sure that I am doing my part to keep myself safe and healthy.