That We Might Help: Rhonda's Insights

To read Rhonda's story about finding joy through breast cancer, go HERE.

I’m so honored to be asked to contribute to the “That We Might Help” project. I believe that the majority of people who hear of a friend or loved one diagnosed with an illness such as cancer want to help. They may not know how or what things are helpful or unhelpful so I was asked to shed some light on that to make others more aware.

I have an aggressive form of breast cancer and have been through six months of vigorous chemotherapies and several surgeries with more surgeries to come in the next few months now that I’ve completed chemo. I hope that my words will be taken as gentle advice on how to possibly help or support someone going through a cancer diagnosis/treatment, rather than a chastisement if you have done or said things differently than what I might suggest. Any support is good support and we’ve all said things before that later we realize might not have been the best. Certainly, I’ve been told things that may have been insensitive but I do not hold it against a person when I feel their love and care. It’s always a good thing to hear a different perspective though, so we can learn and perhaps be more prepared to be the very best support possible.

The initial diagnosis period happens to be one of the worst nightmares into which a person could be thrown. There is so much testing and waiting, more testing, more waiting. The whole time period from learning I had cancer to the time when I had surgery and a pathological confirmation of my stage and treatment plan was about five weeks. That is a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of time spent trying to comfort my children when I didn’t really know what the future might hold, and many days and hours spent at appointments. It was a full-time job and then some. Had I not had an enormous amount of support I just don’t know how I would’ve managed the mental aspect of it. I had cards, flowers, thoughtful little gifts people brought by with a hug or sent in the mail, and many messages of support. Those things are what helped me get through that dark and scary time feeling supported and loved rather than just focusing on my fears. I can’t stress enough how those things made me feel blessed and buoyed up while I waited and waited some more.

Once the surgeries and treatments start is when the person diagnosed has to gear up for the fight. The fear is just out of this world and I can’t possibly convey it with words. The following are some tips that might be useful if you are wondering what specifically you can do to help:

• Continue to send messages of support and love.
• If the person diagnosed expresses fears of death, please do not discount it. Don’t tell them that they will be fine. You don’t know. Nobody knows. Cancer doesn’t care if you’re the strongest fighter or are the most positive person in the world. It can take the best, most determined person and completely ravage them. Instead of trying to downplay the seriousness of what they are facing, offer a hug, listen to them, ask what you can do to help alleviate some stress. I think it is human nature to want to comfort, but we need to be careful that we are honest in our comfort and that we don’t casually dismiss very real possibilities.
• Most of us that have chemotherapy in our treatment plan will lose our hair. It’s quite easy for people who have their hair, and have no threat of losing it, to say, “It’s only hair. It will grow back.” While that is true for the majority of people (some chemo can and does cause permanent hair loss) it is not comforting. It can feel like it is being downplayed, and I promise you it’s not *just* a hair thing. It’s about so much more than hair. Our physical identity is stripped away bit by bit. First our hair, then our eyelashes, and eyebrows. It’s as if everything that distinguishes us slowly fades away. We turn into an unrecognizable image. Literally, sometimes people don’t recognize us, and we don’t recognize our own reflection in the mirror. We lose our privacy. We walk into a room, and our medical condition is announced long before anyone even knows our name. We get stares, we get averted eyes, and we get unsolicited comments. Instead of acting as if losing our hair doesn’t matter, offer to go wig shopping with them if they are interested in that. Ask if you can buy them a few head scarves. Omit those belittling words and create a positive action instead of devaluing something that is a very big deal. My sweet cousins sent me a gift certificate to a wig shop so I could pick something out that I wanted. It was a beautiful and thoughtful gift and having a wig gave me a feeling of security. I had the option of “blending in” when going in public if I chose to wear it. A sweet friend had me pick out several scarves/hats online, and she paid the bill. Another dear friend came over to cut my long hair very short just before it was to fall out. It was a kind and precious thing to do so I wouldn’t have to have to go through that difficult thing in a public salon. It also gave me a few days of adjustment time before it completely fell out. It turned such a sad experience into something lighthearted and fun. I felt incredibly blessed my friend would think to offer that for me. My new short hairdo was so cute and that transition so helpful that I didn’t even cry about the hair loss until many weeks later when my eyelashes were gone too. At that point, I no longer looked like me. I looked like a dying cancer patient. That was the worst week of my whole cancer journey and that includes the double mastectomy, being very sick, weak, and being in great pain. Please understand it’s not “just hair”.
• Try not to place any extra or unneeded responsibilities on the cancer patient. Even something as simple as telling them to be positive can feel like a weight on them, an extra “job” so to speak. Instead, if they are feeling downtrodden ask what *you* can do to help them feel more positive or happy. Ask if going out to lunch will lift their spirits, or if having a night out could help but try not to give them added pressure. Their minds are already weighed down, their shoulders already carrying a heavy burden. Lighten it as best you can; try not to add to it.
• Prayers offered are so welcomed and appreciated. If it’s in your power to do so, definitely offer them… and then get off your knees and take them a meal, do their dishes, offer rides for them to their appointments, and then continue to offer as time goes on. Ask the Almighty to buoy them up and then, as His servant, do something physical to help alleviate their daily stress. The fatigue and exhaustion from chemotherapy is one I have never known. You might think a meal is nothing, but I assure you that it’s huge. It’s needed. If you don’t cook, drop by gift card to a local food place, a frozen lasagna, a fruit or veggie tray, anything that doesn’t require a ton of preparation that the family can eat when they’ve had a long day. Don’t assume their church or friends or family are bringing food. Take action yourself. Yours might be the only help offered. One of our friends has brought us a batch of homemade refried beans every single week for months. Some weeks it was the only hot thing my kids had eaten for days. The appreciation for something like this is immense.
• Instead of telling them “let me know if you need anything”, ask specifics. Unless the person is already known to call on you when they are in need, they probably won’t call on you now. It’s so very hard to ask for help. Chemo does a number on a person, and there have been times people have asked if they can do anything and my mind goes blank. Then I’ve gotten off the phone and realized we had no groceries, I hadn’t picked up my medications from the pharmacy, and the kids were eating cereal for dinner. Again. It’s not your fault; their brain is on overtime and not functioning well on the spot (it’s referred to as “chemo brain”), but it does help to specifically ask, “Can I go to the store for you?”, “Can I bring some dinner tonight?”, “Do the kids need a ride?”
• Specific to breast cancer…if you know someone is getting a mastectomy, I beg of you to not say how lucky they are to be getting a “free boob job”. It is not free by any means, and it is not anything close to an elective breast augmentation surgery, not in recovery and not in results. It’s not even in the same ball park. Reconstruction is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced, and it is ongoing for months and even years for some women. YEARS. It’s like equating a hangnail with a gunshot wound. Please don’t do it. A simple, “I’m so sorry you have to go through this.” is enough and is most appreciated.
• Silver linings are in every experience we can imagine and how grateful I am that even during these past several months of hardship I’ve experienced many them. Although, I do feel like it’s a great idea to let the person with the illness find their own bright spots. Pointing out how they are going to save money on shampoo if they are bald is no silver lining. It’s no comfort. We would much prefer shelling out the few bucks on shampoo and keep our beautiful hair. There is no silver lining in the pain, physical or emotional, that we as cancer patients go through. The silver linings are meeting people who help us along our journey, having friends and family show they care, and being treated at a top-notch medical facility amongst others.

Again, I hope these tips can be helpful should you ever have a friend or loved one diagnosed with cancer. I wish that I had read something like this before, so I could have been a better support to my friends and family, but you just don’t know what you haven’t experienced. Last but not least, just don’t ghost on them. Be there in the ways you are able and provide emotional support however you can or feel is best. I know your efforts, great or small, will be accepted in the spirit intended.