One Year Later

One year ago, I was released from the psych unit of the hospital after spending a few days there, and simply stated, I was terrified. I didn't know how to go from the rock bottom of not eating or drinking for 5 days to making a life for myself again. I didn't know if this new medication I had been given, the 14th one I had tried in 6 years, would finally be "the one" that could help me. I didn't know if healing was a possibility for me anymore. My friend drove me to my house and gave me a big, warm, loving hug while advising me to take the day one minute at a time. I got out of her car and slowly walked up to my front door while feeling the heavy weight of the world pressing down on my weary shoulders. I opened the door to the silence of an empty house, and while dropping my bags on the floor and slipping off my shoes, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It was this "Welcome Home Mom" sign my family had made for me. No sooner had it caught my attention when I fell to the ground sobbing as the strength in my knees gave way to the emotion that overcame me in that tender moment. The love of my family instantly wrapped me in comfort, and I knew that somehow I was going to be okay.

One year later, the 14th medication didn't end up working out, but the 15th one did. I started seeing a counselor a few months ago and am continually working hard to do my part in the healing process. And now today, with the help of lots of eager youth and such generous, supportive friends, we finished a gift of 100 pairs of fuzzy socks with encouraging messages to donate to the psych unit of the hospital, the place I left one year ago feeling so completely and helplessly broken.

The truth is, I'm still healing and still learning how to pull myself out of surviving and into thriving. But I'm here, I'm trying, I'm progressing. My little family is supporting me through every step of this long process, and I feel blessed to able to give of myself, because I know what it feels like to wear those uncomfortable hospital socks with doubts of living a good life again. It's just one year later, but my future really does look bright.

Beautiful Winter

 Winter has always been a difficult time of year for me.  Less sunlight, less getting outside, and less opportunities for natural exercise with my family has led to worse depression.  For the last several years, taking pictures of the beauty of winter has been like a lifeline for me, helping me find the good that is in the details that surround me.  This year might be the best winter I've had in years, but I still can't help but find joy in the unique beauty that only winter can offer.

What I'm Thankful for about Depression

I have this secret note on my phone listing all the things I am thankful for about experiencing depression. It's secret because often I don't want to think about being thankful for something that has hurt me so much, and I certainly don't want other people to tell me to just be thankful in my darkest moments, but since this is the month of thanks, I want to finally share it. Please know that if you struggle with depression too, I am not telling you to be thankful for it. This is just my perspective.

1. Depression has brought my little family closer together, especially my husband and me. This is not my trial; it is ours, and we fight through it together. 

2. Depression has made me hypersensitive to the sadness of others. I think about how others feel more often and am aware of what depression might look like in someone else. I am no longer afraid to ask someone if they are doing okay, even a stranger. I'm also not uncomfortable talking about "hard" topics.

3. Depression has given me opportunities to help others that I know I wouldn't have had otherwise. It has allowed me to speak up, reach out, and connect with people literally all around the world over this common struggle so many people face.

4. It has taken away *almost* all of my fear of being vulnerable. It has given me the burning desire to be 100% real and to share my story in an effort to help others know they are not alone.

5. It has made me appreciate the light in my life in a way that I know I wouldn't have had I not faced such frequent, debilitating darkness.

6. Depression has taught me valuable lessons about asking for and accepting help, learning to say no when needed to protect my mental health, simplifying my life, and being patient with myself as I do these things.

7. I have learned how to love more completely. I'm not perfect at this **obviously**, but depression has opened my eyes and my heart to understanding others and trying to see how they feel from their perspective. This has literally changed me and how I feel about the people around me.

8. It has made me appreciate and not find shame in embracing the God-given gifts of medicine and counseling to overcome and heal.

9. Depression has allowed me to see the goodness of others so clearly.  I have been the recipient of such kind encouragement and love over these years of struggle and have seen firsthand the powerful effects of simple ministering.

10. It has given me opportunities to talk to my kids about depression openly and age-appropriately. We talk about "happy medicine", the hospital, people being sad because something is chemically wrong in their brain, and compassion. My hope is that my kids can be a force for good in the world because of this knowledge.

Depression has been the hardest, longest struggle I have ever faced, but it has also blessed my life in incredible ways. I still can't say that I am thankful to have experienced it as a whole, but I am thankful for the little things it has done to change me and my life for the better.

#givethanks

Another Little Miracle

On October 26th, we got the shocking news that I was actually pregnant, despite the many negative pregnancy tests I had received the week before and no real signs pointing to pregnancy. On October 30th, we found out that the pregnancy was not looking good and that we would most likely lose our baby. On October 31st, everything proceeded as expected, and we lost another sweet baby. 

The roller coaster of emotions we've experienced in the last few months is hard to put into words, but we're surrounded by really good people and will be okay. Mostly, I just want to share this baby, because it was there and was loved even if it was only for a few days that we knew. We are heartbroken but have hope for a beautiful, healthy rainbow baby in the far distant future.

Hard Life Lesson

 Hard life lesson: Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to.

Three months ago, I went off my medicine to try to have one more baby to complete our family.  I knew that it would be hard, I knew that there was a possibility of it not working, and I knew that I would be heartbroken if not.  But I did it anyway.  I had been doing so well for a few months by that point that I *hoped* I could handle staying off long enough to get pregnant.  After three months and still no baby, I had lost 5 lbs. from not being able to eat much, I could hardly sleep anymore, some days I could barely function, and many days were a fight for life again.  I knew that my husband and kids wanted me more than they wanted another baby, so I decided to go back on the medicine.

At first, I was bitter and angry and hurt that things didn’t work out the way I desperately wanted, especially when I felt like I had given so much to try to make it work.  I felt like I had failed my family in every way.  My heart broke at the thought that we might never get that one more baby, especially after losing the last one, and I didn’t know if I could be okay with that.  While some parts of me still hurt so much right now, I’m following the wise advice of my friends, family, and counselor that I can try again later.  This isn’t the end.  I don’t know that I’ll ever understand the path my life has taken or why some things happen the way they do, but I’m trying to take more time to heal and to be content with my life as it is until I am ready to try one more time.

Flowers

Sometimes when I share a post about how I'm struggling, a beautiful arrangement of flowers will show up on my doorstep.  This has happened more times than I can count in the last several years, and it has always had the same effect of bringing a smile to my face and warmth to my heart.  Often times, there are some tears cried too.  😉😭 I don't usually know who they are from, so I get to imagine that any one of the loving people around me are reaching out to show their support and love.  And every time, after I've smelled them and admired them, I then pull out my camera and attempt to take some pretty pictures of them.  It reminds me of beauty, especially in the little details, and that makes me happy.  So to whoever has blessed my life in these years and brought me joy through your kindness, THANK YOU!  I appreciate it more than I can say.

October

 Last October was the worst month I have ever experienced.  Over the previous few years, I usually had a couple of -10s on my mood chart every month, representing the most intense suicidal lows, but that month, there were 25.  I was seemingly stuck in the darkest depths of depression imaginable and constantly wondered if I would ever get out.  Every day, I would tell myself that I had to stay for that day, but then I could give up the next day.  And then the next day, I would tell myself the same thing again.  Living more than one day at a time was impossible to comprehend in my state, so that was what it took to survive.  

One morning, I was sitting on my couch crying.  The tears wouldn’t stop, and neither would the persistent thoughts that I was not strong enough for this continuous battle.  I felt broken and feared that I was broken beyond repair.  Every part of my body hurt with my heart as I prayed that someday my mind would find relief.  

And then I got an idea.  I would make a list of things I had to look forward to in the next while, things that could make my life worth living just a little longer and that I wanted to make sure I was still here to be a part of.  I always had a general list in my mind with my husband and kids at the top of that list every time, but I wanted more specific things this time that I could check off once they were reached.

After a few minutes, I had come up with six things:

• Spending Christmas Day with my family

• Celebrating my friend Kristy's birthday

• Holding my friend Kristina’s baby

• Watching Garrett take his first steps

• Hearing Garrett say, “I love you” for the first time

• Having my Ensign article published

I wrote these notes down on my phone, so I could look back at them whenever I needed to remember my purpose in continuing to live for the next few months, and I did look at them often.  They became like six little lifelines that wound together to make a strong rope to hold onto as I attempted to claw my way out of the dark hole I had been thrown in and to reach my way back into the light. 

The other day, I found my list on my phone again and was so happy as I realized that I could check off each one.  I did it.  I saw and heard and was here for each one of these.  But it wasn’t just those.  Every moment portrayed in this video is a moment I was blessed to witness since last October, because I chose to stay.  Even more heart pricking is the thought that I would have missed these precious moments if I wouldn’t have held on.  Life has not been easy in the last year, and it continues to be a struggle today, but I’m here and I will continue to stay here for more moments like these.  Through medicine, counseling, and the support of my family and friends, I am finding hope and healing and have confidence in many happy days ahead.

If you are in your own “October,” please choose to stay.  Reach out for help.  Don’t try to do it alone.  You are loved, wanted, and needed, and will never know what beautiful moments you will miss out on if you don’t hold on.  It’s worth it.  It really is.

Published Article

 I’ve been keeping a little secret, and I’m so excited to finally be able to share!  I had an article published in two different places-- a worldwide magazine and a large website for mental health and other health challenges (see the links below).  It’s an article about how to pull someone out of the darkness of suicide, about how to love and respond and ultimately save a life.  

A little background story about this article and the online magazine publishing…

Last October, I wrote a blog post about how to help someone stay.  I knew I needed to share it, because maybe it could help someone else, but the thought of sharing something so personal from the lowest parts of my journey with depression made me feel very vulnerable.  After several days of attempting to ignore the persistent thought that I really needed to share the post, I finally worked up enough courage to do it.  My heart was racing and there was a huge pit in my stomach, but I shared it.  For the next several hours, I debated taking it down multiple times.  It just felt like this shameful part of me was exposed, and I wasn’t sure if that was okay yet.  

And then I got a few very specific comments and messages about how this post had helped someone else along with encouragement to share this with the world, and slowly the feelings of shame and fear started to leave and were replaced with peace.  I began to recognize that I didn’t need to be ashamed of the deep struggles I had faced, and pretty soon, I had the desire to spread this message even further.  

It has always been my belief that people genuinely want to help others, but unless they have been there themselves, they usually don’t know how.  I knew this article could be a powerful tool to help others know how to help, so I started thinking about how I could get it out there even more.

The next day, my friend Kelley Walker suggested that I submit my article to the Ensign magazine.  Immediately when she said that, I had such an incredible feeling in my heart that this was exactly what I needed to do.  I consulted with my talented friend Rachael Eliker who helped me edit and refine my article for submission, and after a few days, it was ready to go.  The submission page informed me that it could take years for my article to be published, so I clicked “submit” but didn’t expect to hear back for a long time, if ever at all.  

The next morning, less than 24 hours after submitting, I got an email saying that my article was approved for publication.  I cried as I called Kyle to tell him the news.  I was overcome with this humbling feeling that everything I had faced had a purpose, that my voice needed to be heard, and that Heavenly Father had given me this beautiful opportunity to help others through my experiences.

It still took some time to work through the publication process, but this month, my article was published.  You can check it out in either of these places (both are a little different based on the editing done by the publishers).  You are also welcome to share these if you think they could help someone you know.  

Ensign Magazine

The Mighty

***I recognize that suicide is a very tender subject for many of my friends.  Please know that if you have lost a loved one to suicide, you are not to blame.  ❤

My Rainbow

 Healing is an interesting thing.  This day last year, I saw my lifeless baby on an ultrasound and the next day we moved into our new house.  I felt so broken as we unpacked and organized, and I wondered if the gaping wound in my heart would be there forever after.  I didn't think I would ever heal enough to want another baby or to have days where I didn't think about this heartbreaking loss.  But last night, I realized what today was, and it didn't hurt.  It's not that I've forgotten or that thinking about it doesn't make me sad or wish it could have been different, but I'm okay.  I've healed so much in the last year and have moved forward carrying those tender memories with me while looking ahead to growing our family in time.   

At the same time, certain wounds surrounding the most traumatic parts of my journey with depression aren't healing as well with time, so I am seeking the help of a counselor to work through some of those painful memories.  I used to be incredibly ashamed at the thought of needing to see a counselor, but now I'm thankful for the availability of that kind of help.  I foresee healing in my future. 

#Healing

#MyRainbowWillCome

#ThereIsHope

Wounded

I remember listening to this talk on repeat for several months after it was given in the October 2018 General Conference.  The title "Wounded" seemed to fit how I felt then, and the words of the talk were precisely the words my aching heart needed to hear at that time.  But this morning I listened to it again through heartbroken tears, and it offered the same peace that it did before, although under different circumstances.  In 2018, I was in the middle of a soul-crushing battle with depression.  The wounds of my heart were painfully fresh with no chance of healing yet, as they were continually ripped open by each dark day and each failed attempt at finding relief.  Now I'm not in that dark place anymore, but the wounds still haven't healed, and it seems the only way to let them heal is to allow myself to feel them again and work through them.  While my natural reaction is to stuff the pain down deep into my heart where it will never be able to resurface, I know that's not really healing.  And so I'm allowing myself to feel pain, to understand hurt, and to be broken, all for the hope of finding the future healing that I know will come in time.

Wounded

Mood Charting

Almost four years ago, when my depression very dramatically shifted to become severe depression, my excel-loving husband made me some mood charts to track my ever fluctuating emotions along with medication changes, menstrual cycles, and other factors that might have influenced how I felt. This chart became an invaluable resource at my many doctor's appointments and eventually became the key to figuring out what my body needed when I realized that my once a month upward spikes were centered around my ovulation.

Many people have asked me in the last couple of months what they can do to get the help I've gotten. Unfortunately, this is not a simple answer, as other people's source of mental anguish may not be hormones. The best help I can provide is to suggest doing consistent mood tracking, so my husband Kyle Avery and I worked on these charts to make them easier to use. My dream is to someday develop an app to do this, but for now, an excel spreadsheet is the best I can give. If you click the link below and download it on your computer (it won't work on phones), it has all the information you need. 

Download

General Conference Quote

After every General Conference, Kyle and I update our conference frames with our favorite quote from conference, usually decorated with pretty nature or family pictures we have taken recently. This one is so powerful to me!

General Conference has not been an easy thing for me in the last several years. Many conferences have been spent crying in my bed or in the bathroom trying to fight the overwhelming, overpowering feeling that I was failing God and my family and that I would never be enough.

This last conference was different though. I had been feeling emotionally stable for 3 weeks straight at that point, so I wasn't overwhelmed in the same way that I had been in the past. But it did feel like the broken pieces of my life, especially the last very painful year of my life, were constantly laying before me, and I couldn't fix them. I couldn't make everything better all at once. It was almost like I didn't know how to begin living again.

And then I heard this quote, and it pierced my heart. I realized that I didn't have to heal or fix anything. That wasn't my job. That was the Savior's job, and I just had to give my brokenness to Him.

This was a turning point for me in my healing process. Finding the right medication for my body didn't make everything better immediately. It definitely started the process, but now I am working to improve and overcome little by little, day by day, with the Savior's help.

I chose to surround this quote with pictures that invoke deep emotion and memories within me, moments that only I know what was truly happening inside. These pictures represent to me my once shattered heart that only the Savior can restore, heal, fix, and permanently mend.

Stronger Together

It's true. We are stronger together.

Kyle got me this hand casting kit for Christmas, and we enjoyed creating it together. When we finished and I stood back to admire it, the first thought that came to my mind was the phrase "stronger together." Our life together has proven that we can do anything hand in hand.

This last week has been hard as we have been painfully reminded just how sensitive I am to hormonal changes and how susceptible I am to depression. I hope things will be better soon, but until then, I am stronger and can do hard things, because I have Kyle in my life. ❤️

Happy Mom

If I had to say the one thing I’ve been the most insecure about in the last several years, it’s hands down my ability as a mom. I’m not a super mom by any means, I don’t do creative or artistic things with my kids very often, I don't like baking any more than I have to, and to be completely honest, I don’t really like imaginary playing. 5 minutes is about my max. Sometimes, we watch way too much TV or I tell my kids to go play because I need my own time.

As you can probably imagine, Mother’s Day has not been my favorite holiday during these years. Hearing message after message about the divine role of mothers or praising the efforts of moms often left me thinking, “If only they knew what I’m like as a mom, they would never say those things about me.” In some of my more depressed years, I even found it easier to tell myself that I just wasn’t a good mom, and that somehow lessened the guilt and worry about my efforts.

But recently, I’ve been trying, really REALLY trying to focus on being the mom I am, not the mom that someone else is. I’ve realized that I can be so encouraging and supportive of the moms who do really fun things with their kids or who seem to fit the role of motherhood so naturally, while at the same time being happy with who I am as a mom. I’ve concentrated on doing what I’m good at or what makes me happy as a mom with my kids, and it has made a world of difference to me. I’ve recognized that I love working with my kids doing chores around the house, I love taking my kids on adventures and trying to take pictures that capture their unique personalities, and I love helping them nurture their own creativity.

I’m not a perfect mom, but I don’t really want to be. Instead, I want to be a happy mom, and little by little, I'm getting there.

There is Hope!

It makes me sick to my stomach sharing this, so I ask you to please be kind, gentle, compassionate, and understanding as you read it. I'm only sharing, because I know the message is beyond important, and I hope it can reach someone who needs it.

April 27, 2019 was the scariest day of my life. Unfortunately, it wasn't the first or last time something like this happened, but it was probably the worst. Kyle was at a campout with the boys in our church, and I was all alone with my kids. This shouldn't have been a big deal, except that I was in the darkest depths of depression imaginable for weeks before that, so taking care of the basic responsibilities by myself for a whole extra day was so overwhelming. Our bishop asked me if I would be okay before inviting my husband to go along. I wanted to give Kyle this opportunity and I wanted to believe that I could be okay, so I told the bishop it was fine.

I only got a couple of hours of broken sleep the night Kyle was gone between my lonely, scared, overwhelmed sobs. The next morning, I thought he would be home around noon, so I turned on show after show for my kids, trying to survive until he would get back. Noon came and went. My house was a disaster, but I couldn't clean it. I couldn't do anything. I was so overwhelmed and overcome with depression.

And then something happened. Something in my brain snapped, and I thought of a very specific plan of how to die. It seemed perfect. I knew it would work, and then I would be free from this unbearable weight that I was currently carrying on my own. I was not capable of remembering in that moment how devastated my husband and kids would be without me or the possibility of feeling better someday, so I moved forward.

I knew my kids needed to be taken care of, so I thought of someone I could leave them with. I started getting them ready to drop off at this person's house when the thought came into my mind, "Give someone a chance to save you."

I stopped getting my kids ready to leave, went to my room, and laid in my bed for the next hour trying to formulate the words to tell someone how much I was struggling. My whole body was shaking, and I was so scared to tell anyone what was happening inside my mind. I didn't want to tell my husband, because I desperately wanted him to still be able to enjoy doing something I knew he loved without worrying about me. So I finally worked up the courage to send a group text to three trusted friends and then curled up in a tight ball, sobbing in such bitter pain. Almost immediately, one of these friends called me and said she was on her way to pick up me and my kids and would be there soon. I knelt down and asked God to give me just enough strength to survive until I wasn't alone anymore. The tears flowed, and I couldn't imagine enduring even one more moment. Pretty soon, my friend arrived and wrapped my shaking body and broken heart in love. I stayed with her for some time before returning home to my husband.

The weeks following this dark day were so hard. I felt broken, like my heart could never heal, and I would never be the same again. I felt like a hollow shell of who I once was, like I was going through the motions of life with no purpose or feeling anymore. This feeling lingered for a long time, and sometimes I wondered if my light had gone out forever.

Fast forward one year to today. Looking back on this day still brings tears to my eyes and pain to my heart, but I don't feel broken anymore. I'm not magically healed or completely fixed, but I'm not in that dark place fighting for life every single day. If I could have known one year ago how good life would be today, I would have been amazed and full of hope, trusting in better days to come. But I couldn't see that one year ago, and in the instability of my mind at that time, I almost acted on an indescribable pain with a permanent solution. I never would have made it to this wonderful time in my life when I feel happiness, how much my family loves and needs me, and the desire to live again.

If you are in the place I was in one year ago, please hold on. Please. There really are better days ahead. I couldn't feel that for myself for several years. I relied completely on other people repeating that truth to me. But now I can feel it again for myself, and I want to share it with anyone who needs it. Choose to stay. Choose to reach out to someone for help. You are loved and worth saving. You'll never know how good life can be a year from today unless you stay to find out. It's worth it. I promise.

One Month!

Not to brag or anything 😉😂 but I've been emotionally stable every day for 1 month straight now. Take that depression!
#ThankGoodnessForEstrogen
#LifeIsSoGood
#HappyToBeHappy

My Light Has Come!!!

15th time is the charm I guess 😉 After trying 15 medications over a 6 year period with 12 different doctors, we have FINALLY figured out what my body needs to thrive mentally and emotionally.

In the hospital this last December, the hormone psychiatrist I met with told me that my brain has a severe reaction to hormone changes in my body. Through several indicators from my mood charts, she knew that my body responded well to estrogen, so she prescribed an estrogen-based birth control to stop my body's production of hormones, thus stopping any hormone changes that were making my life so difficult.

This one didn't work well for me, and I was devastated. There were no words for how tragic this felt. After 2 months, my doctor switched me to another estrogen-based birth control (one with higher estrogen and lower progesterone), and this one has worked WONDERS for me!

For the last 3 years, I have been between a 23 and 25 (out of 27) on the PHQ9 depression test. Two weeks after starting this new birth control, I was down to a 17, a number I had not seen since the first time I went to the doctor for this problem 6 years ago. Now, after 5 weeks on this medication, I am down to a 12!!!

I can't really describe what it's like to feel the emotion of happiness again. I can't explain how remarkable it is to have the energy and strength to do not only the basics of life but everything I want to do again. I can't put into words what it's like to want to live again. It's like having a second chance at life, one that I will NEVER forget to appreciate and love, and one that is dedicated to helping others through their own darkness and heartache.

For so long, I never thought this day would come, but it is here now, and it is oh so sweet. I'm thankful for every person who shared their light with me when mine was gone, who helped me to hold on when it seemed there was nothing to hold onto anymore, and who wrapped my heart in love when I felt unlovable. I am here today because of you, so thank you!!!

#YouAreLoved
#YouAreNeeded
#YouAreEnough
#YouAreWorthTheFight
#DontGiveUp
#ThereIsAlwaysHope
#YourLightWillCome

Progress

Progress is slow. Progress is long. Progress is hard. Progress is not a straight line. Rather, it is a series of many little ups and downs that overall follow an upward course. But progress is progress.

That's where I'm at right now. We switched medications again, and finally, after all of these years of trying and praying and believing, I am seeing some positive progress. It's not that I'm all better. In fact, I'm still in the moderately severe range on the depression scale. But I'm not in the severe range right now, and things are slowly improving, so progress is progress.

A few times in the last week I've caught myself genuinely laughing or smiling, and it has surprised me to feel the emotion of happiness a little more often. A few times I've felt the delicate feelings of the Spirit again, and those times have been so sweet and cherished. A few times I've seen a little more of who I really am shining through, and I've felt hope that my light hasn't gone out.

I still have a long way to go, but I'm finally going somewhere, so I'm thankful.

Love

For many reasons that I won't explain now, this last week has been really difficult. The darkness of depression has been unbearably heavy, and I have once again battled for my life. As with so many times when I am in that scary, lonely place, there were miracles that saw me through, not the big miracle of having the struggle magically disappear, but little miracles of strength and light that allowed me to be okay, even when the struggle remained. I realized this morning that all of these miracles had one thing in common, and that thing was LOVE.

--There was the love of my husband who willingly came home from church early with me yesterday because that's what I needed, who patiently listened to me share the heaviness on my mind for the millionth time, and then who reassured me this morning that I am deserving of his love and kindness.

--The love of several good friends who were willing to share with me personal, powerful truths for why they choose to live and what gives them hope.

--The love of another wonderful friend who brought clarity to my mind about something that has confused and hurt and tested my faith for so long. It suddenly made sense in a way that it never has before, and my faith was strengthened.

--The love of yet another kind friend who rearranged her day to spend time with me. When she told me that she had changed her plans so we could be together, her love instantly broke through the thick walls of my mind, and I remembered that I am worth someone else's time and love.

--The love of my kids who are always willing to hug me and who consistently remind me that they want and need me just as I am.

So, if you're wondering how to help someone you know who is struggling, someone who is going through something unimaginably difficult, the answer might be simpler than you think. Just show them you love them.

One Small Victory

Lately, I've been frustrated, because I see little bits of progress in my depression, but they are slow and seem so very small compared to what I wish for. I know I have to be patient, and thankfully I have good people around me who help me focus on how far I've come vs. how far I have left to go, but it's still hard wanting to feel better than I do.

Today, though, I saw a leap of progress, and I'm counting it as a win! This may not seem like a lot to anyone else, but to me, it's huge.

Last March, I had to make cupcakes for a young women's activity. I bought a cake mix and frosting, because heaven knows I wasn't about to make them from scratch. I told myself that I could do this, I had agreed to do this, and it shouldn't have been that hard, but I was in the middle of trying a new medication that made it nearly impossible to get out of bed or function, so the thought of adding a few ingredients to a cake mix, baking the cupcakes, and then frosting them was literally beyond my ability at that time. I felt dumb. I mean seriously, who can't make stupid cupcakes from a box?! After fighting and fighting and FIGHTING myself to try to make the cupcakes, I finally opened up to my friend Kristina, probably in tears, and told her how I couldn't make the cupcakes. She immediately invited me to come to her house, and she kindly baked and frosted the cupcakes for me.

Last week, I was at Walmart and saw a cute unicorn cookie cutter in the Valentine's Day section. I thought about Brooklyn and how much she would love making unicorn cookies, so I bought it and promised her that we would make cookies soon. But things have been so hard lately. The depression is still very much a part of my life, as well as pretty severe anxiety now as a result of this new medication, so I kept putting off making the cookies, hoping for some good day to come along. That day still hasn't come, but since she didn't have school today, I decided that today was the day, regardless of how I felt. I pulled together all the strength and motivation I could find, made the cookie dough and frosting from scratch, and we decorated cookies. I DID IT!!!

I don't know why life is so hard sometimes or why the littlest of tasks can be nearly impossible to accomplish, but I find hope in moments like this that tell me I will get there. Someday. Little by little. One small victory at a time.

Brave

I haven't wanted to write this, because I haven't wanted it to be real. While this new medication I've been on for the last month has helped with some of the lowest lows, it has also made me incredibly anxious and emotional. I cry for hours every day and worry incessantly about everything. What if Kyle gets sick of my crazy and decides not to come home to me after work one day? What if he dies in a car accident on the way home? What if one of my kids chokes or stops breathing or gets kidnapped in the night? What if my doctor stops believing me or thinks this isn't real or tells me I need to find a new doctor? What if everyone I love stops caring about me and I'm left all alone? What if this medication never helps and there is nothing out there to make me better? And then I worry that if I tell someone all of these things, they will feel burdened or think I'm exaggerating or stop loving me.

This is day in and day out for the last couple of weeks, except for a few good hours. It's exhausting and irrational. Sometimes I can see how irrational it is, but that still doesn't take away my racing heart and shaking legs and tightening throat. So I cry, mostly alone, and wonder where and when I will find peace.

Right now, we're sticking with this same medication, trying to be patient to give it the best shot at working, and desperately praying for better days to come. There have to be better days ahead.