3 Years

Three years ago today, something happened that instantly changed my life forever. I remember it so perfectly to this day. I'm sure I will never be able to forget as it is etched so deeply into my memory. It was evening, Brooklyn was already in bed asleep, and Kyle and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie. All of a sudden, something powerful overcame me. It was the most painful thing I could ever imagine as an indescribably intense darkness gripped my heart and flooded my mind. I ran to my room and fell to my knees sobbing. I was beyond scared as I couldn't understand what was happening to me. Kyle followed me to our room and wrapped his arms around me as I clung to his shirt so tightly and continued sobbing. I couldn't explain to him how I felt, and that terrified me. I felt completely alone in that moment. No one could get inside my heart to feel it with me, and thus began my often frighteningly lonely journey with bipolar disorder.

At first, I was desperate for a solution. I couldn't foresee this problem lasting any amount of time, so I was willing to do anything to find lasting relief. The more time that went by, the worse the cycling got and the more I realized that this wasn't going to be an easy fix. I prayed and begged Heavenly Father to answer my desperate pleas for healing, but nothing happened. No one could figure out how to help me. This last year has been the hardest, most faith-testing, soul-stretching year of my life as things have progressively gotten worse, and I have often wondered how it is possible to survive something so painful. Last week happened to be the darkest, longest week we've had yet, and it breaks my heart to imagine how much more we will have to endure.

This next Monday, I have hormone labs, and I am pulling together all the faith I can find to believe that this will lead to a solution. I know I will be devastated if it doesn't, so I have to believe that it will. As hard as it has been to face this trial of my faith, I have literally seen miracles over the last 3 years, people who have come into my life at precisely the time I needed them, fleeting moments of clarity that have given me the strength to continue fighting, powerful examples of love and ministering that have saved me from this brokenness, and even opportunities to bless the lives of others through my increased understanding and compassion. I am a different person today than I was three years ago, but I like to believe that I have grown and changed for the better.

Opening Up

“When we open up about our emotional challenges, admitting we are not perfect, we give others permission to share their struggles. Together we realize there is hope and we do not have to suffer alone.” ~Reyna Aburto

This quote really struck me tonight. I've hesitated being very open recently, mostly because we just moved, and it's hard to be open and honest when I first meet people, because I want people to see me as I am. I don't want to be defined by depression, as it is just one part of me. But this quote gave me strength as I remembered how sharing my story in the past has given me the ability to connect and relate to people in such a beautiful way, and it can do that again if I can just be brave enough to share.

The truth is, I am struggling. There I said it. Not only is my depression back in full force after losing all of my happy pregnancy hormones and especially with winter coming closer every day, but this year I am dealing with a lot of trauma from how hard the last winter was. Few people know the extent of how much I struggled last winter, but I can oversimplify it to say that things have never been that difficult before and that miracles literally saw us through. I've spent a good portion of this last week crying alone in my closet or at a friend's house, and I'm forever thankful for the people Heavenly Father has placed in my life to bless me on my dark days. As much as it hurts and as hard as it may get, I'm holding onto faith. Faith in better days to come, faith in God's perfect plan for me, and faith that I can be strong enough to win this fight.

If you are struggling too, just know that you are not alone. You are loved. You are needed. You can do really really hard things. I am here. That's one of the beautiful blessings of struggling through this myself. I can be a safe place for anyone who needs someone to confide in. There really is hope. There is always hope.

Hormone Doctor

Today was my first appointment with the hormone doctor. After hearing my story and my medical and pregnancy history he said, "Well, your last doctor sounds like an amazing and wise doctor, and your husband sounds like a very very patient man." He couldn't be more right. I brought in my crazy tracker charts which make it very obvious that hormones are involved. He is confident that there will be a solution to this. I have some labs at the end of the month, and then based on those results, he will decide what direction to go next. I feel so much hope I could burst. I think my crazy days are coming to an end.

I Am Enough

Two months until Brooklyn's birthday. Two whole months, and I have already started worrying obsessively about making her birthday cake. Why? Because baking is beyond overwhelming when I'm depressed. Because I'm not good at it, so I know it will frustrate me. Because anxiety is my depression's best friend, and it knows no limits sometimes.

Today, I came up with a brilliant idea. I could pay someone else to make her cake. It would relieve the stress on me, she could have a beautiful mermaid cake after all, and everyone would be happy. As soon as I asked my friend and she agreed though, the guilty thoughts started to eat away at me. I suddenly felt like I was failing my kids, like they need someone else, someone more talented and fun and creative and energetic, the person I want to be and maybe could be if the burdens of depression didn't weigh so heavily on my heart so often.

Struggling with depression at this wonderful time in my kids' life is heartbreaking. But recently I've adopted the phrase "you are enough." I repeat it to myself over and over again every day. I trust in it, even when I'm bombarded with thoughts and doubts that tell me otherwise. I tell myself that this is how God sees me and how He wants me to see myself.

Do I feel like enough? Hardly ever. But I keep trusting and believing and trying, and that is enough.

Being Real

I remember being a young, naive little 12 year old. One Sunday, my beehive teacher asked as part of a church lesson, "What do you want to be remembered by?" My answer came quickly, like I didn't even need to think about it. I replied, "I want to be remembered as always being happy." At the time, this seemed easy. Surely being happy was a choice, I thought, and I would simply always make that choice.

Fast forward 4 years... I was 16 years old, and I was engulfed in depression for the very first time. Suddenly, happiness wasn't a choice anymore. I tried to keep it up. "I am happy," I'd tell myself, "Always happy." But inside, I was hollow. It seemed like everyone should be able to see right through my fake smile, but they couldn't. They didn't know anything had changed, so I kept smiling, kept faking, kept hiding. I wanted to be happy, but the feeling wasn't there very often anymore.

Fast forward 5 more years... I was a newly married 21 year old engulfed in depression again. People would say, "How are you always so happy?" and then I'd go home and cry. I felt like a fraud. No one knew that behind that bleak smile was more pain than my heart had ever before endured, but I thought I still had to hide. I had to be happy. After all, how could I ever be remembered as being a happy person all the time unless I kept a constant smile plastered on my face, even if it wasn't real?

But eventually I couldn't keep it up anymore. It hurt too much. I needed help and love and support, so I did the scariest thing imaginable at the time, and I opened up about my struggle with depression. I knew that it would change how people viewed me and that I wouldn't be viewed as the "always happy" person anymore. But something else changed that I couldn't foresee. It took time, but after a while, I didn't want to be known as the person who was always happy anymore. Instead, I wanted to be known as the person who was real, the person who wasn't afraid to admit that life hurts so deeply sometimes, the person who was relatable and available when someone else's heart and world was crumbling.

Depression has changed my life forever, but more importantly, it has changed me, and I'm thankful that I can be real and loved for it.

Tender Mercy

Today, I had a beautiful, sweet experience.  It was quite simple, yet it had such a profound impact on my heart and has changed how I view this often difficult trial I have been called to face.

For the last 3 days, I have been stuck in the dark, terrible place I call "suicidal hell."  This is when my mind is tormented every second of every day with the thought that I should not go on.  It's when my brain is so broken that there is no possible way to distinguish what is true or real anymore.  It's when I lay in bed nearly all day fighting this terrifying internal battle that shatters the most tender pieces of my heart with no relief to be found.  For these 3 days, I was convinced that I had failed my family, that they needed and even deserved someone else who wasn't so broken and debilitated by this darkness, and that I had to give up.  I simply couldn't see a way to go on, and I was desperate for an escape.  I couldn't find the adequate words to describe the storm raging inside of me, so I held in the pain and prayed with all the faith I could muster that I would have enough strength to get through yet another battle in this great war for my life.

This morning, I was physically and emotionally exhausted, but the pain was still unrelenting.  I walked to a friend's house hoping the combination of exercise, fresh air, and company would help, but as soon as I got home, the thick darkness overcame me again, and I went straight to my bed to continue fighting.  Over the next few hours, my mind and heart were overwhelmed with the weight of deep depression, and I was sure there was no relief to be found ever again.  I kept trying to write texts to explain to someone the heavy burdens I was bearing alone and to maybe ask for help, but I could never find the strength to send any of them.  Instead, I laid there wondering how this could be part of God's plan for my life and why He would allow my heart to go through so much pain with no lasting relief, despite all the prayers and fasting of my family the last several years.

As my mind continued to grow more and more weary in this fight, I started to think that maybe I needed to make a plan of escape once and for all.  I simply couldn't keep doing this, so it seemed that there was no other option.  I began to think of possible means when the thought came to my mind, "This isn't your choice to make."  It took me back.  Surely this thought had not come from the brokenness of my own mind.  And then something clicked.  I can pray and plead and wish for God to take me away, but ultimately, I have to have the faith and strength to submit to His will for my life, regardless of what that will is.  It's not my choice to decide when I have had enough.  It's not my choice to decide when I will leave this world.  It's not my choice to decide when I will be healed at last, never to be broken in this way again.

The pain didn't leave immediately, but I suddenly felt peace and calm.  It's not often that I feel Heavenly Father near me when I am severely depressed.  This is usually devastating and heartbreaking to me, because it seems that the comfort of the Spirit is what I need most of all in those moments, and it's not there.  But this time, I felt like this was Heavenly Father's way of telling me that although it's not time for this pain to be gone yet, He has not left me alone.  For whatever reason that is still unknown to me, it is not His perfect plan for me to be miraculously healed at this time, even with the faith of me and my family and others who love and care about me.  But for the first time in a very long time, I was able to have a small moment of inspiration that allowed me to feel God's love and mindfulness of me and to know that I am not destined to fail in this fight.

This has been a looooong ride, and I fear the dark days that will inevitably come in the future, but I know that if I can just remember that it isn't my choice to escape, then I will always be okay.  I will fight and conquer every single episode of pain and darkness, and ultimately, I will win. 

Testosterone

Shortly after getting pregnant with this sweet boy, I started to feel really well emotionally. It felt like something literally shifted in my body, and consequently, the things that were once so hard to accomplish every day (getting out of bed, doing dishes, taking care of Brooklyn, eating, etc.) were no longer difficult. I suddenly wanted to be productive, I had energy, I could do so much more than just survive every day, and it was beyond incredible. It had been such a long year before that, so finding relief was such a blessing.

Shortly after delivering Garrett, the depression returned, we moved, and my whole world seemingly crumbled beneath me. I kept plummeting down lower and lower and lower with no end or hope of relief in sight. Thankfully, I made a really good friend in this new place who cared about me enough to help me get in to the most amazing and caring doctor I've ever had, and I had a reason to find hope once again.

At first, he wanted to try medication again, but after my body failed to respond to several medications, he knew that we needed to go a different route. We did a hormone test, and as he predicted, my testosterone came back abnormal. He thought this would be the case, since I was fine while being pregnant with my baby boy, and being pregnant with a boy releases small amounts of testosterone into the mother's body.

His plan was to give me a very small supplement of testosterone, and we were all hopeful that things would improve soon. Unfortunately, we had a setback to this plan and weren't able to start testosterone right away. I was devastated and so disappointed at first, but I kept holding on through the help of my amazing family and friends.

Then, Kyle had the brilliant idea to see if there were any natural ways to boost testosterone in the meantime. One of them we found online was pomegranate juice. I was pretty skeptical, especially because the depression had been so severe that it seemed like something so simple couldn't make much of a difference. I started drinking a glass of pomegranate juice every day about two weeks ago, and I have seen a very noticeable improvement in how I've been feeling in the last week. I also started exercising more regularly at this same time, and the weather got much nicer, so I'm not positive exactly what is making me feel better, but either way, I'm so thankful.

We're still moving forward with trying to figure out medically why my body is struggling to produce enough testosterone, so hopefully we can find answers and more permanent solutions soon, but until then, I am so so so thankful that we are finally getting somewhere and thankful for this little miracle boy who might be the very key to figuring everything out.

Mania!

Oh mania... It's my favorite place to be, and it's been here for 5 days now. That is super long for me and is very welcomed after such a long and deep low this last time. It's such an interesting feeling, like I've finally figured out the secret to conquering depression, like I have the power to make sure I never get back to that dark place again, like surely this high is here to stay forever now. This happens every time, and it always makes the inevitable crash back into depression very difficult to handle. But I enjoy it while it lasts and hope that it stays as long as possible! 

Disappointing News

Last Friday, I got a text from my doctor with some bad news. We weren’t going to be able to move forward with the treatment we were planning to try, because the specialist he had consulted advised him not to. Immediately when I read this message, my eyes began to fill with tears. I hurried to my closet to hide away from Brooklyn, when all the strength left my body, and I fell to my knees in broken sobs. My heart hurt with such intensity that I could only gasp for air between the bursts of tears that seemed to overcome me. It felt like every last bit of hope I had in me washed away with each warm tear that streamed down my face. I didn’t think I would be able to find the strength to get up or stop crying ever again. I called my husband and messaged a few close friends to share my devastation. There was nothing they could say to make it better, but I felt love as they mourned with me in my moment of great hurt. I continued crying as I wished that my husband could be there to wrap me in his loving arms.

And then something so beautiful happened. My snuggly baby boy army crawled to my closet to find me. When he had finally made his way to me, he reached up for me, and I picked him up. He then laid his head on me and stayed there looking up at me and saying, “Aww” for the next 20 minutes! I didn’t immediately feel better, and I’m pretty sure I soaked his cute blonde hair with my tears that continued to fall, but I did feel the immediate goodness of God through this sweet boy as he wrapped my broken heart in love. It was such a tender moment, one that I will never forget, and one that will forever remind me that God knows me and is so mindful of me.

We do have a plan moving forward, so we will continue on this journey hoping and trusting in better days to come. It’s hard knowing that this struggle isn’t over yet, and I do have some anxiety about the days ahead, but I know that there will always be miracles to accompany the most difficult days, just as there have been SO MANY miracles in the past.

Feeling Hope

Things have suddenly taken a turn for the better for me emotionally, and I am so thankful. On April 27th, I reached the lowest I have ever reached before. I had no hope left in me. I felt broken beyond repair. I thought healing was beyond reach for me. I thought there was no reason to go on. And for the first time, I really could have been gone. It seemed like nothing could help me stay. Thankfully, I found the last of the strength I had in me to reach out for help, someone responded to my urgent plea, and I didn’t act on the feelings and thoughts that were so pressing at the time. After this traumatic, scary experience though, I decided that I needed a break from medicine for a while. Since my medications weren’t helping at all and were only making things worse, I decided with my doctor to stop taking them for the time being. I’m open to trying again in the future if we think that is necessary, but for now, I’m taking a much needed break. At the same time, my doctor discovered something that he thinks is the cause for all of this emotional turmoil. We’re still in the process of beginning a new, quite unconventional treatment option, so I won’t share the details until we see if it works 🤞🤞🤞 but just knowing that this might help me, that I might get better, that my heart has a chance to heal, has brought so much hope into my world. I still cry. I still struggle with getting overwhelmed by small tasks. I still have daily thoughts of dying. I know I still have a looooong way to go to heal from these years of struggle, but for the first time in a very long time, I have a tangible feeling of hope for a bright future ahead for my life. It’s finally my own feeling, not just me trusting in the hope that others have for me. It brings immediate tears to my eyes to think of all the people who have been there for me along this wild ride and who have saved me when the darkness seemed all-consuming and was literally impossible to fight on my own. My life is forever changed by the Christ-like ministering and love I have seen through my darkest days.