My Crazy Tracker Charts

Once upon a time, my cool, nerdy, amazingly supportive husband Kyle made me an excel sheet we lovingly call my "crazy tracker charts." Yesterday I had my first collaborative care appointment, which means that my doctor, a counselor, and a psychiatrist all work together on my care. I brought my charts, and they made it very obvious that I have rapid cycling bipolar 2. I've spent a lot of time in very deep depression this month, but there is hope and healing ahead. It's going to take time and work and figuring out more things medically first, but we will get there. Someday, I hope my charts will be small waves with lots of time spent at 0 (normal). But until then, I'll keep plugging in the data and enjoy seeing the craziness of my brain on my awesome charts.

The Face of Depression

Often times when people hear that I struggle with depression, they are surprised, because I seem like a happy person.  While my natural self is cheerful, the darkness I face makes it very difficult to feel the emotion of happiness, and putting a smile on my face is simply my way of coping with it most of the time.  The truth is, there isn’t really a “face” for depression.  It’s hard to see who is struggling with our normal eyes, as there isn’t a literal cloud of darkness that hovers above anyone’s head.  When I see these three pictures of myself, I see right through my smile, because I remember what was going on inside my mind.  I remember the internal battle that weighed so heavily on my heart, and I know that my smile was a “coping” smile in that moment.

In the first picture, my husband had just gotten home from school and found me laying in the middle of our living room floor crying with wadded up tissues all around me.  I had been in that same position for over an hour and couldn’t find the strength to get up or stop crying.  When he saw me, he immediately helped me up, brought me to the couch, and we talked.  When I was feeling a little bit better, he told me that he needed to take pictures for his humanities class, and he wanted to take pictures of me.  We went outside to take pictures, and our kind neighbor offered to take a family picture of us.  We hurried, posed, smiled, and took the picture.

The second picture was shortly after we moved to Post Falls.  I had been facing deep darkness that whole week, and just a few hours before, I had prayed and said that I had nothing left to offer and I had to give in.  I imagined that I would never be able to get up again, until our friends came to babysit so my husband and I could go on a date.  I remember climbing the stairs up to this spot with great difficulty and then my husband telling me that I should turn around and smile.  The darkness was suffocating around me.  It pressed on my heart in a way that made it physically strenuous to breath.  I wanted to cry.  It felt like my tears were moments from bursting out, yet I turned around and smiled anyway.

The third picture was this last weekend.  No one knew, but all day at church that day, I thought there was no way I could continue fighting this battle.  I felt all alone and defeated.  I wasn’t sure whether I should contemplate giving up or being admitted to the hospital, but either way, the struggle was intense and great that day.

I guess my hope with sharing these three pictures and the background story is to offer the reminder that you never know what battle someone is facing, even if they have a smile on their face.  The smile may just be a way of covering up a pain that is too difficult to share. 

Miracles

I know I've shared a lot recently, and I won't share so much in the future, but my hope is that sharing can bring light and hope to someone else who is fighting similar battles.

Yesterday was a day of hellish darkness. When I woke up, I immediately knew that I was in the fight for my life. But this time, I couldn't find it in myself to try to be patient and submissive. I was angry that this darkness persists and so very tired of fighting. As tears soaked my face and as my heart crumbled, this thought came into my mind, "Be prepared to see miracles today." Every time the darkness is this thick, every time I don't know how I can survive one more storm, every time I wonder how a heart can endure so much pain and keep beating, I see miracles. Not miracles of healing, but miracles of strength and love, and yesterday was no different.

First, it was a good friend who listened as I cried and who spoke comforting words of encouragement. Then, it was two people who texted one right after the other saying that I was on their mind that morning and asked how I was doing. One of them also told me about an article in the Ensign which I read right away and it touched my heart. Next, it was a friend who dropped anything she may have had going to come and sit with me. She let me explain my darkness, she told me about her struggles, and our hearts connected on a level that can only come through struggle. After that, it was a sweet card that came in the mail from a dear friend with a package that I ordered from her. She didn't have to do that, but it couldn't have been better timing. Finally, it was a friend who sent me a picture of two Dove chocolate wrappers with sweet quotes that she said made her think of me.

None of these acts took away my darkness, and it stubbornly persists today. But they wrapped my broken heart in love. They buoyed me up and strengthened me. They carried me through the darkness and helped me once again find the will to win.

I am thankful for the "immediate goodness of God" that I see and feel through the wonderful people all around me. I'm thankful that I don't have to face this struggle alone, as I'm positive I wouldn't still be here if that were the case. I'm thankful that I am able to experience miracles, even if they aren't the miracles I sometimes desire. I'm thankful for the love that binds together the broken pieces of my heart until they can heal someday. Someday I hope to be the one to let someone else see God's goodness through me as so many have done in my life.

Smile

A few weeks ago, I was driving to take a picture of the foundation on our new house. I had been feeling alright that day, but as soon as I was alone, I began to cry and couldn't hold back the tears no matter how hard I tried. At first, they were tears of confusion and frustration as I wondered what had just happened and why my mood had crashed so quickly. After just a few minutes though, my thoughts spiraled downward, and I desperately wanted to die. I thought of my husband and kids and knew that I needed to hold on for them, but the pain was so great as I wondered how I could ever survive crash after crash after crash in the future. It hurt in a way that I feel few people could ever understand unless they have been there, and pretty soon the warm, angry, sorrowful tears steadily streamed down my face.

I got home, parked my car in the back corner of the parking lot, and sobbed. I felt all alone and weak in this moment of great hurting, and I wondered how I would ever find the strength to pull myself together and go inside my house.

And then something miraculous happened. I was parked in an area that didn't have an outlet, so no one would come over there unless they were parking there as well or lost. There were several parking spots open next to me and no one was around, so I felt like I could get my tears out without anyone seeing. After a few minutes, an older man came and parked next to me. When he saw my face, I'm positive he could see that I had been crying. Without saying a word, he smiled the most genuine and heartfelt smile I've ever seen. The look in his eyes was as if he were comforting me and saying, "It's okay. You're going to be okay." In that moment, I felt an overwhelming feeling of God's love for me. I felt that I was not alone, that God was so mindful of me, that He cared about me and hurt to see me hurt, and that I really would be okay. The man backed out of the parking spot almost as quickly as he had parked and drove away.

Immediately, my tears stopped flowing, I dried my face, and I returned to the safety of my home and family. All because a kind man took the time to smile at me.

Faith in God

I try to be vulnerable and share my experiences with depression for two reasons-- 1) to help those who experience similar things to know that they are not alone and 2) to help others who don't experience these things to have more understanding and love for those who do.

Since beginning to write, I have had a lot of comments and opinions shared, some that brighten my day and lighten my load and others that aren't very helpful or kind.  I have reached the point where I am able to disregard these and they have very little affect on me, but I've been thinking about some of them recently. One of the most frequent opinions that has been shared with me is that if I just had enough faith, then this problem would be healed.

At first, this was devastating to think that I was being judged as not having enough faith because I experienced an ongoing struggle with depression. Over time, the comments about my apparent "lack of faith" have stopped bothering me, but in listening to the recent General Conference talk by Elder Brook Hales, I have appreciated this part of his talk: "Sometimes our prayers are answered quickly with the outcome we hope for. Sometimes our prayers are not answered in the way we hope for, yet with time we learn that God had greater blessings prepared for us than we initially anticipated. And sometimes our righteous petitions to God will not be granted in this life. As Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, 'Faith also includes trust in God’s timing.'"

I believe that I have the faith to be healed. I really do. But that has not been God's will for my life. It hasn't even been His will for me to find a medication that can relieve the burden yet. That does not mean that I don't have faith. It simply means that God has greater plans in store for my life than what I can understand right now. I will never stop praying for my miracle or praying for relief, but even if that prayer is never answered in this life, I have faith that someday my mind and heart WILL be made whole, never to be broken in this way again.

I'm not trying to direct this at anyone or make anyone feel bad, and I truly believe that people mean well. I simply want to point out that some things are less helpful or even harmful to say.

Rock Bottom

I am moved to tears today, but for the first time in a very long time, they are happy tears. After 15 days of a darkness so thick that it once again redefined my definition of what it means to experience darkness, I feel the tangible feeling of hope again. My doctor has a new treatment plan that is unconventional but seems to have a very probable chance of helping (I'll tell more about that later). I have family and friends and church leaders who love and support me through my darkest days. And most of all, I have a firm testimony of the Savior and of His ability to comfort, love, sustain, strengthen, and bless. Though this struggle has beaten me down to what feels like a rock bottom, I find comfort in knowing that the only direction to go from rock bottom is up.

Inspired Quote

Why not take advantage of not being able to sleep to post an uplifting quote? 😜 There were two talks in general conference this last weekend that particularly touched my heart. One was the beautiful talk by Sister Eubank about Christ being the light that shines in darkness. I've already listened to that talk twice more this week and it continues to reach the parts of my heart that need comfort and light. Out of all the inspired words of her talk, this part brought instant tears to my eyes as I felt like she was talking directly to me. I feel the truth of these uplifting words, and they continue to bring light to my darkness.

What if the Greatest Good...

I've thought about sharing this post for a few weeks now, but I've hesitated because I don't want it to draw attention to myself. I finally decided to in case it can help someone else, but just know that this simply meant to uplift anyone who feels that their current circumstances limit their ability to bless the lives of others.

I've honestly prayed many times in the last several years for this struggle with depression to be taken away. Of course, I want relief for my broken heart and mind, but sometimes there is this more pressing concern that I could do so much more good in this world if this wasn't an ongoing struggle in my life. I would be so much more available to serve and give of my time and energy to bless others if this struggle was miraculously healed.

Recently when I've prayed and tried to explain to Heavenly Father my desires to serve that feel impossible to fulfill at this time, this thought has come into my mind, "You want to be healed to do good, but what if the greatest good you can do comes through having this struggle?"

This took me back at first, as I confusedly wondered how a life that feels broken into so many tiny pieces can still be used to do good. But slowly, my eyes have been opened, as I have recognized the beautiful opportunities my broken heart has been given to connect with other broken hearts in ways that I know it couldn't have otherwise. I have been humbled to witness how God can take my small offering and multiply it to make it so much more. I have been able to see ways that I can serve within my own capacities that still do good in the world, even if they're different from what I desire to do.

I still want to be healed, and I always will. I will never stop trying to find relief and I'll never stop hoping in better days ahead, but I find joy in moments when I can see things from a different perspective and know that whatever happens in my life is truly best for me and for those around me.

Medication Update

People frequently ask me for medication updates, and this is the best way to update everyone at once, so here's for anyone who's interested in knowing.

Two weeks ago, I started a new mood stabilizer after I was basically not functional on the last one. After the first week, I had a few good days in a row, and I was feeling hopeful. Things still weren't near normal yet, but I figured with some dose increases and periodic tweaking, we'd get it all figured out and these terribly difficult years could be placed behind me forever. Maybe I shouldn't have been so hopeful, but I desperately want this heartache to leave, so I couldn't help but find hope in normal days ahead.

Last Sunday, we doubled the dose. I had some anxiety about this, because of some of the terrible experiences I've had with medication things in the past, and I worried this one would follow those same tracks. I tried to push the fears away, as I continued to hope in better days to come.

Tuesday evening, I was at the church for youth activities. When the activity was done (thankfully it was done and not during!!) I started to react to the dose increase. I can't really describe it as there are not adequate words for a depth of pain such as this, but my worst fears were coming true, as I began reacting very similarly to the worst medication reaction I've ever had. I could barely make it home from the church as my legs were shaking so terribly and my mind was so burdened with anxiety that I didn't know if I could even remember how to get home. I called my husband and he talked to me on the drive home (all 1 mile of it) and reminded me to breath. I was overcome with panic and I so desperately wished that I could escape the pain that squeezed my heart and paralyzed my mind.

Through a priesthood blessing, lots of help from my husband, lots of help from wonderful friends, and more prayers than I ever thought it possible to pray in a 24 hour period, the medication darkness lifted and my heart found relief in getting back to how I normally feel.

To say that I am discouraged is an understatement. My heart is broken. I need some time before we do anything else medication-wise. I've gone back down to the dose I was at before all of this happened, and I'll probably stay there for a long time until I am ready to pick myself up and fight some more. I don't know why things happen the way they do. I don't know why this struggle persists and won't respond to medications the way I wish it would. I don't know why my heart has felt so much pain and why there is no end in sight yet. But what I do know is that I won't give up, I'm incredibly blessed to have the supportive people I have around me, there is always a reason to have hope, this struggle has softened my heart in beautiful ways, and better days really are coming, just maybe farther out than what I thought a week ago.

But I Was Wrong

I feel so passionate about breaking the silence of suicide. I know it's uncomfortable to talk about. I know it's not something people want to discuss. But I have seen too many miracles, too many perfectly-timed blessings that have saved my own life, that I can't help but share some of my experiences with the hope that sharing can be a lifeline of hope to someone else.

Several months ago, I saw this video about a man who attempted suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. By some very real miracle, he lived, and now he is a motivational speaker who shares his story with thousands of people around the world. At the beginning of this video, he said something that has stuck with me ever since. He said, "I thought I had to die. But I was wrong."

Fast forward to the past two weekends. Sometimes it feels like something in my brain snaps, and suddenly it seems like the only option for me is to die. It's scary and so real, and it has happened the last two weekends. I've managed to overcome these moments by reaching out for help and by thinking of my beautiful family and how much they need me, and I'm okay now. I really am okay.

Just the day after both of these times, we were doing something together as a family, and I felt joy. Both times, I remembered this video I had seen and what the man said. I, too, thought I had to die. But I was wrong. I thought there was no hope. But I was wrong. I thought there was no reason to keep going. But I was wrong. The light DOES come again. I AM loved and needed and stronger than the darkness of depression. Please, if you are feeling any of these things, reach out for help. You are loved and needed and so strong. Your light will come again!!!