Two weeks ago, I started a new mood stabilizer after I was basically not functional on the last one. After the first week, I had a few good days in a row, and I was feeling hopeful. Things still weren't near normal yet, but I figured with some dose increases and periodic tweaking, we'd get it all figured out and these terribly difficult years could be placed behind me forever. Maybe I shouldn't have been so hopeful, but I desperately want this heartache to leave, so I couldn't help but find hope in normal days ahead.
Last Sunday, we doubled the dose. I had some anxiety about this, because of some of the terrible experiences I've had with medication things in the past, and I worried this one would follow those same tracks. I tried to push the fears away, as I continued to hope in better days to come.
Tuesday evening, I was at the church for youth activities. When the activity was done (thankfully it was done and not during!!) I started to react to the dose increase. I can't really describe it as there are not adequate words for a depth of pain such as this, but my worst fears were coming true, as I began reacting very similarly to the worst medication reaction I've ever had. I could barely make it home from the church as my legs were shaking so terribly and my mind was so burdened with anxiety that I didn't know if I could even remember how to get home. I called my husband and he talked to me on the drive home (all 1 mile of it) and reminded me to breath. I was overcome with panic and I so desperately wished that I could escape the pain that squeezed my heart and paralyzed my mind.
Through a priesthood blessing, lots of help from my husband, lots of help from wonderful friends, and more prayers than I ever thought it possible to pray in a 24 hour period, the medication darkness lifted and my heart found relief in getting back to how I normally feel.
To say that I am discouraged is an understatement. My heart is broken. I need some time before we do anything else medication-wise. I've gone back down to the dose I was at before all of this happened, and I'll probably stay there for a long time until I am ready to pick myself up and fight some more. I don't know why things happen the way they do. I don't know why this struggle persists and won't respond to medications the way I wish it would. I don't know why my heart has felt so much pain and why there is no end in sight yet. But what I do know is that I won't give up, I'm incredibly blessed to have the supportive people I have around me, there is always a reason to have hope, this struggle has softened my heart in beautiful ways, and better days really are coming, just maybe farther out than what I thought a week ago.
No comments:
Post a Comment