Well, I slept from midnight to 2am last night, and that's about it. That's all my body would let me rest. It might be enjoyable to be somewhat superhuman for a night and only need a couple hours of sleep if my body didn't feel taken over by what feels like the most awful thing anyone should ever have to endure. I know that's not true; there is much worse out there, but it's definitely the worst I've ever had to face. I laid awake for hours shaking, not being able to read or watch a movie due to lack of concentration, constantly getting up and walking around but not having anywhere to go, anyone to talk to, or anything to do. The misplaced energy inside of me is so misplaced that I can't do anything while it flows through my body. I wish I could put it to use, and maybe I will figure out how to someday, but for now, I just wait for the climactic peak of suffering to come, so that it can pass, only to return again in a few days. I can't do anything but patiently endure and hope that I can endure well.
Last night, everything started settling in, which only made the mania worse. I started realizing that what I used to think was the most difficult mental anguish possible, and what I thought must only be temporary because of its severity, might be a new normal for me. I'm accepting that I don't know what medicine can help with, that maybe how I feel right now can't be taken away, and that I shouldn't put all my hope in a medicine relieving my pain, only to feel my hope dashed and frustration to follow. I'm facing the fact that, if this continues in the same way, I might not have many more kids because I can't handle very much (and I absolutely dread getting pregnant right now when everything is so unstable), my days of attempting to be a supermom might be thrown out the window (like really they already are but I hope those days can return), people might not get to know the me that is trapped inside my broken brain (I will fight to break the awful stigma about mental illness), and I might be judged harshly for things people simply don't understand (PLEASE be kind!). I hope this isn't the case, but I couldn't help but go there for a minute in the middle of the night, before forcing myself to fight the negativity again.
I'm fighting, and I will never give up the fight! I can already tell that this is going to make me so strong, and that if I can find the courage to keep sharing, God will give me the ability to help others. I know that joy is possible, even in the depth of pain and sorrow, and I will keep working to find that joy.
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