Having the feelings of being in a constant panic attack are exhausting and difficult, but the joy and gratitude I feel right now are overpowering, enough to overshadow the pain. I've never felt as blessed as I do now. Here are some of the things that are bringing me joy through almost unbearable mental and emotional anguish:
- My relief society president and dear friend bringing flowers and a cookie to show her love and support. As if she didn't already have 10 million other things to do.
- My husband texting me several times each day to ask how I am doing and to remind me that he loves me (and in the most creative, silly ways)!
- My husband going grocery shopping with me because he knew that it would be incredibly overwhelming and difficult for me to do on my own given how I've been feeling recently. He's such a blessing!!!
- My daughter giving me hugs every time she sees me crying. I wish I could hide the pain from her, but she sure knows how to make it all better.
- A woman from my church giving me a big, warm hug when I was clearly not in a good place, crying with me, and inviting me to her house the next day to do nails.
- Another woman from my church giving me a big hug and expressing comforting words on another rough Sunday (I really need to stop this crying ugly tears at church thing!) :)
- My little victories of getting the dishes or the laundry done when it seemed absolutely impossible! You've got to celebrate every little victory, right?
- My friend taking my daughter to the park so that I could have some time to de-stress.
- My friend coming over to sit with me and talk when the depression made me nauseous and sick.
- A friend asking what she could do to help and then offering suggestions of doctors when I told her that was my biggest need right now.
- A lovely new friend I met offering so much support, encouragement, and love. I've never even met her, but she has changed my life and has brought so much light to my darkness.
- My husband getting up early to do a new morning routine with me, because he knows I need it but that I would struggle doing it on my own.
- A speaker in Stake Conference sharing a scripture that is dear to my heart, reminding me that Heavenly Father is very aware of me!
- My husband writing this on our "I love you because" board. It gives me a huge boost of strength every time I walk past it in the hallway.
- My friend inviting me over for a play date and then making lunch for my daughter and me. I don't know if she knows how much that helped me, since making and eating lunch is one of the most stressful things all day.
- A friend having me over to her house to make a doctor's appointment, since she knew how hard it was and how it had left me in tears 3 times last week.
- A friend talking to her counselor to ask his advice on how to get the help I need.
- My aunt praying with me over the phone, when I was greatly suffering.
The list goes on and on. I am amazed at how so many people faithfully fulfill the commandment to bear one another's burdens, and how they find ways to really help, not just offer to help if I happen to take them up on it. Someday I will be on the other end and can bear burdens too. I hope that day is sooner rather than later!