Yesterday, I experienced the harsh switch between mania and depression. I was sitting on the couch, still feeling the dull effects of mania, my heart and my thoughts still somewhat racing, but nothing like the three days before. I knew I would be switching soon. Usually I experience mania from Tuesday to Friday, numbness on Saturday, and depression on Sunday and Monday. But it's not like clock work. Sometimes the switch happens randomly during the middle of the day, instead of when I wake up in the morning. And I know when it feels like my heart is slowing down, that the mania is washing away, and the next phase is coming soon.
So I was sitting there texting on my phone, when suddenly, the misplaced energy in my heart fled, and a huge bag of darkness was dumped on my shoulders. My eyes immediately filled with tears. I couldn't control it. I couldn't stop it. I just had to cry. I went to the bathroom and let it go. I needed to get it out. I texted one of my amazing old roommates and asked her to pray for me. I explained to her what I felt, and how, suddenly I switched, suddenly my mind went dark, suddenly I felt like I couldn't remember what it felt like to be happy, and suddenly it felt like I would never be happy again. I felt lost in the darkness and oh so scared that I would never see the light again.
After a few minutes of crying, I came out of the bathroom and melted into my husband's arms. He asked what was wrong, and I explained what had happened. I explained how it was uncontrollable, how the feelings weren't gently placed on me, but they were forced into my heart and shoved into my brain.
This time around, I skipped the numbness and went straight into depression. That hasn't happened before. I feel completely unable to process these emotions right now, because it has only been 5 weeks of experiencing this. I have no coping skills yet. I feel like I am just enduring and surviving, because I'm still not completely sure what is happening at any given moment.
I'm writing this for a few reasons:
1. I need to write so that I can help my brain process all of the intensity I am experiencing.
2. I know I'm not alone. Someone right now is going through this same thing, and they need to know that someone understands.
3. Someday, I will have a whole collection of these entries, and I can watch my progress, as well as give hope to someone who has a new diagnosis that someday everything will be alright. I know it will be, even though it is incredibly difficult and confusing right now.